Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Friend's behaviour has annoyed me. I want to tell him it has because I want to be congruent, but I don't know how, what would you do?

81 replies

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:26

Background is I live a single lifestyle, no children and am an only child. I didn't want this life, I wanted a marriage etc but it just hasn't worked out. This may bear some relevance to the importance of friendships and this situation.

I've been friends with a man for about 8 years now. It started when I first moved to a new village, and took to taking my dog and a book and sitting in a local pub beer garden in the summer. I was just looking to make some connections and he's someone who came and spoke to me. Since then we've met up a couple of times a week for a drink or dinner/walks. He's married, I'm gay, totally platonic. We share a hobby too so chat about that a lot.

He comes to my house for a few beers almost every weekend. This is not reciprocal because he lives with his wife and children, keeps us separate.

Of the hobby, I was lucky enough to acquire some supplies for it free, recently. He asked if he could buy half off me-I said yes. He came around, gave me the money and then he proceeded to try to take more than half, thought I'd not notice. I did and took some of what he'd taken out of his carrier bag and put them back, so it was fair for what he'd paid me. That was number one irritating thing.

The other is, although I am more than happy to provide him with alcoholic drinks when he comes to my house, I feel that was it the other way around, I would buy him a drink now and again. He knows that although I am lucky enough to not be struggling, I have far less income than him, and he has a dual income household. He's been getting free beer from me for at least 3 years now, and it isn't as if it is equal because I don't go to his house ever. I just find it a bit cheeky.

And then, we went for a drink recently and decided to go to a different pub. My other friend came with us but he took a taxi as he can't walk far (disability) and me and the friend in question walked. When we got there, other friend had bought us a round. Friend in question ran out of his drink first, and just bought his own. I of course bought other friend a drink back.

The icing on the cake for me was, I was looking at houses in the area on Rightmove, on my phone recently. I pointed at one I liked and said friend commented 'Oh god, I could buy that in cash right now'.

This was a 'grrr' moment for me.

A couple of people in my local have picked up that there's a bit of an atmosphere between me and him now. I also note that none of them really like him. The landlord hates him! I don't suppose that is much relevant, I have always really liked him. We've been there for one another, I cried on him not so long ago about the state of my life, you know, he's nice to me! We text though the week sharing daft jokes/rants about work, we get on well- I have just found myself feeling very rubbed up the wrong way by this recent series of events and realisations.

Others have picked up on the fact that I am quite annoyed with him and they might say something. They don't know in full detail but I have told them bits and bats when pressed. Again not really relevant but I feel like I should say something to him about how he's annoyed me. Or I could just gradually phase out our meetups and get togethers, maybe tell him I am not going out for a while/trying to save money or whatever and I can do the hobby by myself, maybe we'll drift.

What do you think? Am I overreacting or being stroppy?

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

It really isn't for me, I've met a lot of people I enjoy the company of in there, and a lot of very useful tradespeople for my business too! Lovely beer garden, a lot of fun, I probably wouldn't have known anyone here if I hadn't have taken to going there.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

What has been a waste?

OP posts:
nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:55

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

TeenageSwans · 10/09/2024 15:55

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:48

Congruence because I feel I am not being genuine, being annoyed with him and I haven't told him. Usually I would say something in that situation but this one is difficult for me.

I haven't 'sat around slagging him off'. Landlord said he'd noticed he never buys me a drink and thinks he should, as he knows he's often at my house. Landlord has said this to others as landlord does make it clear he doesn't like him.

We've never had a disagreement at all! Ever.

They've noticed we've not talked as much in the pub recently and asked me about it. Other friend mentioned that he's bought drinks for him before, and he never buys one back and I said 'yes I noticed that the other week, it annoyed me!' but other than that. I didn't think that is 'slagging him off' as such, just confirming what he said. But I feel bad about it!

To be honest, if you're known to be his longtime friend, I think it's quite odd that these people are freely expressing their disapproval of him to you. I have a good male friend who is not popular for various reasons (which I get), but the people who don't like him don't bustle around telling me.

And this whole set-up sounds enormously claustrophobic. It sounds as if you've turned into the punchline of some local joke -- the patsy of the local leech, who never buys drinks and tries to steal hobby materials...?

His behaviour is its own reward, I suppose (he gets a lot of free drinks), but are you really so desperate for company that you're prepared to subsidise someone rich and stingy?

BobbyBiscuits · 10/09/2024 15:56

He sounds like a piss taker. I've a female friend who's got a male 'mate' like that. He's very willing to accept hospitality but is incredibly tight. While sometimes uttering bombastic statements about his amazing wealth (that's never evident in his possessions or behaviour).
At one point I caught him stealing bottles of wine from my mates house! This is a sixty something yo man. Acting posh and decent and all, very unconvincingly! I told him he was a robbing cunt and kicked him out her house.
She still had him back though.
Don't be her.

loropianalover · 10/09/2024 15:56

8 years, he’s round your house every weekend drinking your supply and you’ve never met his wife. Something not right with him.

From what you’ve written it’s obvious he’s been using you as a way to escape his responsibilities. Bluntly, a man friend would never let someone drink them out of house and home every weekend, and he’d get flack from his wife if you were a straight woman. He picked you wisely!

TeenageSwans · 10/09/2024 15:58

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:51

No I haven't ever met her.

Yes, village life I guess!
I used to live somewhere else, for twenty years. I was there last weekend seeing two different groups of friends. Went to an event on Sunday and stayed at (other) friend's house on Saturday and visited a third friend before going home. I am visiting another friend in another town soon. I do have other friends.

How is it you've never met her, if you've known him for eight years, lived in the village that long, and the village is clearly small enough for your relationship to him to be well-known, and discussed?

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:59

TeenageSwans · 10/09/2024 15:55

To be honest, if you're known to be his longtime friend, I think it's quite odd that these people are freely expressing their disapproval of him to you. I have a good male friend who is not popular for various reasons (which I get), but the people who don't like him don't bustle around telling me.

And this whole set-up sounds enormously claustrophobic. It sounds as if you've turned into the punchline of some local joke -- the patsy of the local leech, who never buys drinks and tries to steal hobby materials...?

His behaviour is its own reward, I suppose (he gets a lot of free drinks), but are you really so desperate for company that you're prepared to subsidise someone rich and stingy?

I have only just realised I was Sad
I can't really speak for anyone else,I guess they're trying to protect me in some sense?

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 16:00

TeenageSwans · 10/09/2024 15:58

How is it you've never met her, if you've known him for eight years, lived in the village that long, and the village is clearly small enough for your relationship to him to be well-known, and discussed?

She doesn't do the hobby and doesn't go out to the places I do.

OP posts:
SauviGone · 10/09/2024 16:01

What a total odd bod and the strangest ‘friendship’.

You’ve never thought in 8 years that is wierd he’s never introduced you to his wife? You know that’s not normal right?

As for “he doesn’t enjoy his marriage” - between seeing you for walks and dinner a couple of times a week, all the texting you two do, taking part in your joint hobbies and then spending every weekend at yours I’m surprised he’s still married at all. He must barely spend any time with his wife.

nailclipper · 10/09/2024 16:08

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 10/09/2024 16:08

Just tell him to bring the beers next time you arrange for him to come over. Don't buy any yourself so there's nothing to drink if he turns up empty handed, and then make him buy takeaway and drinks for you both or something.

nailclipper · 10/09/2024 16:10

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

TeenageSwans · 10/09/2024 16:11

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

Well, or just friends who don't take advantage of her financially!

nailclipper · 10/09/2024 16:12

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

DadJoke · 10/09/2024 16:17

Here’s a thought. Why don’t talk you to him about it and ask him to bring bees from now on?

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 16:18

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

That was other posters who'd said I've just been going along with this for so long, not anyone I know personally. I misinterpreted what a poster was asking me.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 16:19

TeenageSwans · 10/09/2024 16:11

Well, or just friends who don't take advantage of her financially!

I do have plenty of other friends, but not many around where I live.

OP posts:
crockofshite · 10/09/2024 16:19

sunseaandsoundingoff · 10/09/2024 16:08

Just tell him to bring the beers next time you arrange for him to come over. Don't buy any yourself so there's nothing to drink if he turns up empty handed, and then make him buy takeaway and drinks for you both or something.

Agree with this course of action.

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 16:21

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

I would say that is more down to my LDR actually. I haven't looked for anyone else, I was thinking she wanted to be with me properly eventually but she doesn't Sad

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 16:24

DadJoke · 10/09/2024 16:17

Here’s a thought. Why don’t talk you to him about it and ask him to bring bees from now on?

Edited

I think I will have to. Maybe he thinks I am loaded.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 16:26

sunseaandsoundingoff · 10/09/2024 16:08

Just tell him to bring the beers next time you arrange for him to come over. Don't buy any yourself so there's nothing to drink if he turns up empty handed, and then make him buy takeaway and drinks for you both or something.

I haven't ever eaten a takeaway in my entire life Grin but the suggestion is good otherwise-thank you!

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 16:27

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

I mean, by telling me what they think they're telling me that, that he's taking advantage. But they hadn't ever before.

Yes she did.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 16:28

SauviGone · 10/09/2024 16:01

What a total odd bod and the strangest ‘friendship’.

You’ve never thought in 8 years that is wierd he’s never introduced you to his wife? You know that’s not normal right?

As for “he doesn’t enjoy his marriage” - between seeing you for walks and dinner a couple of times a week, all the texting you two do, taking part in your joint hobbies and then spending every weekend at yours I’m surprised he’s still married at all. He must barely spend any time with his wife.

I have never been to their house, other than occasionally giving him a life home after pub/hobby and according to him she doesn't go out/do the hobby we do. He has confided in me a lot about the issues in his marriage, I share a lot about my life with him too. I felt/feel close to him.

OP posts:
TwoBlueFish · 10/09/2024 16:31

Just start pointing it out to him that he’s being tight. Your turn to bring the beers this time Fred, your round Fred, etc. if he doesn’t change then you either accept that he’s a leech but it’s worth it if you enjoy his company or you stop socialising with him.

by the sound of it he probably approached you in the pub initially because nobody else wanted to talk to him.