How to get child in meltdown to school on time

[Backtoschoolhell]

I had an awful time with DS this morning. He walked out all breezily, then suddenly turned and decided he didn't want to go to school. He started shouting and hitting out, saying his tummy hurt, leg hurt, screaming holding his throat saying he couldn't breathe. I tried to get him to calm down but everything just made him worse.

He was kicking our front door, kicking me, it was just awful. I tried empathy, patience, cuddling, being firm. Eventually it passed and he reluctantly walked to school. But the door was already closed and we were late.

I am never late, so I feel like a huge failure for not getting him to school on time.

I just don't know what I could have done differently. He has done this twice out of 6 days so far, but the other days he's gone in totally fine with no anxiety. It's one extreme or another.

Once there he's had particularly glowing reports from the teacher too, he's participating in class, loving learning, being his usual quietly confident self.

If anyone has any wisdom to share on how to understand and handle this situation I would be most grateful. DS is 6.

Is he struggling with the transition of leaving the house? Would a visual chart showing him what's happening next help?

Have you mentioned it to his teacher. Maybe they can discuss it discreetly with the class as I would bet you are not the only family going through this. My DD always needs to know what is happening next even if it is very normal things.
Distract with what does DC think their friends are doing right then. Best thing from the day before.
All failing that set school start 30 mins earlier so gives you less stress if it happens again.
Just remember you are not alone.

Set off far earlier and also speak to the teacher to explain how he’s behaving so they’re aware. The summer holidays are far too long imo and it’s pretty common for kids to struggle to get back into the swing of things.

Once he is in a state of complete overwhelm you just have to wait it out until he has become regulated again. So instead you need to focus on what in the situation is causing him to become dysregulated in the first place, and try and work with school proactively on those factors.

A gold star for each stage - cleaning teeth, putting on coat, walking to school or getting in the car, and one for arriving on time.

A day full of gold stars gets a prize at home time, a whole week of gold stars gets Pizza Express etc on Friday night. Celebrate the good days and have fun.

Please don’t stress so much about being late. Your kid and what’s going on for him is more important. And he’ll be picking up on your stress which won’t be helping.

Lots of good suggestions on this thread. Please do talk to school about it and let them know you’re doing your best but that he’s struggling. Ask them what they’d suggest.

Has he just gone into Year 1? It’s a big step up.

We had this. We met with the school and came up with a plan where the most important thing was getting him in, not when we got him in. That removed a lot of pressure from all of us and helped him for a while.

I would ask school if he can start early when the classroom is still empty. That way seems to work much better got anxious and neurodivergence children who struggle to get into school.

I don't think you can get a child in meltdown to school on time. You need to give yourself permission to be late if a meltdown occurs. I find very few things will hurry a child out of an actual meltdown. If you google 'Sheffield NHS children's uk managing meltdowns' they have a good pdf on it.

The idea is to prevent the meltdown occurring in the first place. It is difficult to know what he doesn't like about school that us triggering this.

It could be the transition, in which case timers, routines, now and next language is good. Also sometimes schools let children in early through a different quiet entrance. Or give the child a specific job that helps there morning (eg they get the pencils out)

There might be something in the school day he is finding a challenge and it's not obvious to him or you yet. So you might have to do a bit of investigating.

I found that if I just gave up worrying about being on time, it reduced stress levels and I was better able to cope. Occasionally, it took15 minutes for them to put their shoes on!

He’s full of anxiety.

He may not be able to explain exactly what he’s anxious about, but I guarantee this is all anxiety driven.

Schools have only been back for a week, so even the routine of getting ready for school in the morning will feel new. Combine that with a new teacher, or a different mix of classmates… well it’s all a bit daunting and unfamiliar.

Maybe something happened at school to upset him, but the memory of it only hit when you step outside the door.

I am never late, so I feel like a huge failure for not getting him to school on time.

Put it in context for a moment: this is the first time you’ve been late. Big deal. You had a valid reason for being late. Your poor son was in meltdown. The distress and overwhelm is very real in that moment. You had literally no choice but to wait for it to pass. You couldn’t drag him down the road screaming.

You haven’t said if your child is autistic or not, but my two children are. One thing I’ve learned over the years is never to be embarrassed or apologetic if my children melt down or otherwise behave like autistic people 😄 I put their emotional wellbeing first.

I really dislike reward charts for this type of issue. If the child has anxiety you are basically setting the up for a fail if they can’t manage their feelings. It will just add to the pressure and stress of the morning.

I agree that’s once he’s in meltdown you need to calmly ride it out and not worry at that point about being late. Definitely talk to the school and see if there is anything they can do to help.

Thank you all, it is so helpful to feel we are not alone and to get some advice. I've been having a little cry since coming home.

I did speak to other mums whose child struggled through last week, even more than DS. But in their case, the child goes all the way to school fine, just cries not to go in which would be a lot easier.

Im pretty sure im the only one getting screamed at and kicked in the street as every school parent walks past :(

This morning there was a clear trigger. We were talking casually about weekend plans and he'd misunderstood what we were doing, it was a detail but somehow it completely made him flip. So at least that can be avoided in future.

Otherwise I agree, my plan will be to set off earlier so we can be on time regardless.

Also it’s really common in these first few weeks of a new school year for some children to find it tricky settle back into the routine and the all the changes. If he’s anxious on route little things can easily trigger the situation. Sometimes less talking is better. Can he use a scooter rather than walk? Sometimes zooming along on a scooter can help give the body some extra movement that might help him to feel a bit more calm?

Can you do anything close to school? Like - let's go to the shop and pick a treat for after school? Or the park to play before school? By which time child is out of the house and near school?

This.

better late than never

Agree with PP, talk to the teacher away from DS. He might be able to go in a couple of minutes earlier to ‘help’ a TA in the classroom or something… I think you would be wise to be proactive as you don’t want this to become an issue…. but don’t worry about being late

Definitely speak to the school and come up with a plan. My DS has ASD and this started partway through Year 1, despite having been to nursery, preschool and reception no problem. Now he goes in 5 minutes before everyone else so he can be settled rather than trying to go in with all the noise and activity. When your child is calm speak to them about what it is they find upsetting, is it noise, leaving you, not knowing what will happen that day? We also have a timetable showing what will happen that day and importantly if anything will be different to normal.

It'll be year 2 unless he has had his birthday in the last ten days, mine is the same age and having a similar situation rn

Meltdown?
Do you mean tantrum?
Funny how you saw so few of these thirty five years ago.

Well, I was having them 35 years ago. Although, you're right, there was less discussion of them online 35 years ago. Funny that.

@MonsieurBlobby my meltdowns would have been 47 years ago 😂

Managing your own feelings is part of helping your child achieve a calm state. It sounds like you will be late sometimes at the moment as you have a young child who is struggling with big emotions - it happens, and requires a compassionate response (including how you treat and think about yourself).