How to get child in meltdown to school on time

[Backtoschoolhell]

I had an awful time with DS this morning. He walked out all breezily, then suddenly turned and decided he didn't want to go to school. He started shouting and hitting out, saying his tummy hurt, leg hurt, screaming holding his throat saying he couldn't breathe. I tried to get him to calm down but everything just made him worse.

He was kicking our front door, kicking me, it was just awful. I tried empathy, patience, cuddling, being firm. Eventually it passed and he reluctantly walked to school. But the door was already closed and we were late.

I am never late, so I feel like a huge failure for not getting him to school on time.

I just don't know what I could have done differently. He has done this twice out of 6 days so far, but the other days he's gone in totally fine with no anxiety. It's one extreme or another.

Once there he's had particularly glowing reports from the teacher too, he's participating in class, loving learning, being his usual quietly confident self.

If anyone has any wisdom to share on how to understand and handle this situation I would be most grateful. DS is 6.

Thank you all. It's interesting that a lot of the response are from parents of ND children and they could identify with what I describe. I've never really considered it with DS but I wonder now if this is something I should explore. When I search online he really doesn't seem to tick a lot of boxes but those meltdowns are definitely unusual. Even if no ND I'm thinking an emotional issue which may warrant further help anyway (perhaps anxiety)

@Backtoschoolhell I feel for you so much. In a very similar boat with my son, just started year 2 too. They have split classes and whilst he is with some friends, he's not with one that he really wanted to be with. His new teacher is super strict and he loved his old teacher, so he's having a really hard time. He was a nightmare at bedtime last night and I know the later it gets the worse the morning is and this morning was awful! I completely lost my patience with him and made it worse too. I feel awful for adding to his chaos but he was hitting me, swearing and making us late. His big brother didn't want to be late and I had to get to work! It's a nightmare! Wishing all of us in this boat luck!!

I'm so sorry @herbygarden I could have written every word of your post, such a similar situation. I really wish they hadn't split the classes, mornings were so peaceful last year.

Totally understand on losing your patience, it's so difficult to be understanding when you're taking the brunt of it all.

It's also really hard when there are other children to consider. Last night when DS was having a meltdown he made his little sister cry as she said he was being scary, they usually have such a loving relationship it was heartbreaking.

Then no matter which DC I was with, the other one was crying for me. So stressful.

I wish you the best of luck and hope it settles down soon.

This is how lots of us end up on with kids on the assessment pathway!

The thing is with neurodiversity the the presentation really is unique to individuals. Schools and GPs sometimes assume things like holding eye contact or sociability rule out autism, but that is plain wrong, and leads to damaging delays to diagnosis.

Sorry for typos.

The reward chart is just stars for completing each little step - brushing his teeth and whatever. If he has a meltdown in the middle it doesn't stop him getting stars. It just reinforces all the successful bits of the morning. Let's him see that the meltdown wasn't the end of the world.

Though there are some kids who react badly to anything goal-oriented, even pure rewards.

@Backtoschoolhell I'm so pleased you had a good morning. We actually did too 🎉

What worked for us was the teacher has given him something at the end of each day to look forward to the next day. Eg. He picked the story book for the next day, he had a special job. On previous days this didn't work enough (it would maybe get him dressed but then panic would eventually override.). This mornings job got us all the way in and we also brought a drawing he had done at home to show her. It helps she is great with him, and teachers vary!

To answer your question, it isn't new behaviour. We have had it on and off since preschool. It took 3 adults to get him in the preschool gate once. It has been awful at times. The change for us is that, with school, he has previously got his game face on after getting out of the house or if not after the car. So although it has been hell for us, he hasn't let school see it. I'm actually pleased they now have as they honestly have acted like I'm a moaning neurotic parent at times when I've gone to them desperate for help.

We do have other concerns. His meltdowns are frequent and often aggressive. He will hit, kick and launch himself at me if he is unable to either do something he really wants to do, or has to transition away from something he enjoys. We have been supported by the education inclusion family advisor for our county. She has reassured me that we are doing the right things and our approach is good. It just isn't working for him.

It's exhausting. I have two children and he takes up 90% of our parenting energy. But because he's "fine" in school, there doesn't seem to be any support.

All the best to you, I hope you are now on a good track with the mornings!