How to get child in meltdown to school on time

[Backtoschoolhell]

I had an awful time with DS this morning. He walked out all breezily, then suddenly turned and decided he didn't want to go to school. He started shouting and hitting out, saying his tummy hurt, leg hurt, screaming holding his throat saying he couldn't breathe. I tried to get him to calm down but everything just made him worse.

He was kicking our front door, kicking me, it was just awful. I tried empathy, patience, cuddling, being firm. Eventually it passed and he reluctantly walked to school. But the door was already closed and we were late.

I am never late, so I feel like a huge failure for not getting him to school on time.

I just don't know what I could have done differently. He has done this twice out of 6 days so far, but the other days he's gone in totally fine with no anxiety. It's one extreme or another.

Once there he's had particularly glowing reports from the teacher too, he's participating in class, loving learning, being his usual quietly confident self.

If anyone has any wisdom to share on how to understand and handle this situation I would be most grateful. DS is 6.

Elsa is emotional literacy support.

www.elsa-support.co.uk/what-is-elsa-intervention/

OP, kids do this. Don't worry about being late. It happens.

I have twins and one is ND.
We allowed a lot of time to get to school and often got there very early ("so they could play with their friends") which meant any problems had time to happen it as it was.

My daughter began not wanting to go to school and I dragged her there anyway. I wish I had just pulled her out and home schooled her. There was rampant bullying going on ignored by the teachers and she wasn’t old enough to explain properly how awful it was. Now she’s older and on supplements for anxiety and I’m trying to unwind the damage.
Please trust you child, there’s a reason he doesn’t feel safe at school, there’s a reason school refusal is at an all time high. Don’t wait for all the failures of the school system to finally be exposed and then look back and wish you’d just listened to your child by the time it’s too late. I don’t know how much more it will take for parents to realise that schools are seriously seriously dysfunctional.

I had this with DD at similar age I think she found the transition to leaving house hard. Loved school once there. I'm not lover of kids on screens but I'd give her my phone and allow her to play a game ( bluey or some rubbish) whilst I got her shoes coat on etc and ushered her out the door. I'd take my phone off her en route and she was fine. Worked like a dream.

Id plan your daily leaving time to include a window of time in case this happens. Better to be early 4 days out if 6,and just about make it on time the 2 days this happens, than be bang on time 4 days a week but late 2 days.

Would a social story help? Break down each stage of the morning, including the journey to school and arrival into his classroom? Ask his teacher/the SENDCO for support if so.

If school is so close, does he like music? You could get some over-ear headphones (which might act a bit like ear defenders anyway, and prevent overstimulation) and each morning he could listen to a (pre-selected) walk to school song.

How do I enforce the boundaries without making the meltdown worse? Kicking me isn't acceptable, is kicking a door repeatedly acceptable? I just don't know.

Personally @Backtoschoolhell I think that once a meltdown has got out of control to the point of lashing out, a child is past the point of understanding boundaries. I’m sure when he’s happy and calm he already knows that it’s unacceptable to kick out at doors and at you.

The key - easier said than done sometimes - it trying to prevent the meltdown from switching up a gear into violence.

It might be worth thinking back to anything you might have said or done that escalated things instead of calming. I’m sure you were really stressed about being late, and embarrassed about passers by watching you, so maybe you said something that, unfortunately, made things worse. I’ve been there! Nobody’s perfect.

Figuring out what your child’s triggers and flashpoints are is a case of trial and error. After school tonight I’d try to have a calm conversation about why he thinks he kicked off this morning, and what’s been upsetting him at school.

Sometimes kids open up more when you aren’t looking at them. My daughter would often open up about things when I was sitting behind her, doing her hair.

You don't. You get him safe, contact school and explain and get him there when you can and you're both safe and calm to do so.

The hurting you etc, learning can only come when he's calm again and his logical part of his brain is back in control. So you're focusing on keeping you both safe in the moment and trying to help him regulate.

We had another episode tonight, he's only just calmed down and has fallen asleep. Feeling so disheartened, we never had anything like this until recently and it seems to be getting worse rather than better. I'm dreading tomorrow morning 😥

Email his teacher tonight and let them know he's having real difficulty and meltdowns and that you will try and get him in when you can.

Take the pressure off both of you - the aim to get to school rathe than be on time, for the moment. Then ask to talk through strategies with his teacher/SENCO to see if triggers can be spotted and avoided

Lots of children returning to school are dysregulated at the moment - change can be very hard for them to feel comfortable with and that they feel they have no control and can therefore feel scary.

I have helped both my ND children get dressed until they were 12. For me it’s a demonstration of love, it only takes literally 2 or 3 mins. They love to be close to mum, it helps them self regulate early morning. There were some processing problems so it was needed but it’s really body doubling and just helping them feel safe. Less to process/less to feel anxious about. Putting on shoes for them is fine. I carried their bags.

They’re teens now and get dressed fine by themselves. They put their own shoes on now. It’s not forever.

For these sensitive kids they need a lot of support and help to get there but they do get there.

have you asked DS if there was one thing he could change in his school day, what would it be? What would make it better or easier to go in?

I used to ask this and sometimes the answers were helpful and something I could action.

It’s worth asking maybe?

Just place marking here OP and saying I am in the exact same boat as you, also just started year 2. Also feel alone with it and it's so embarrassing isn't it, walking past all the other parents with a child kicking and screaming. I will read through the replies you have tomorrow, off to bed now. All the best for the morning. I'll be doing the same battle! X

Can he say what he doesn’t like about school?

And yes I used to find my kids would open up once the light went off for sleep time. Then the worries would pour out.

He’s not happy at school, it would be so good to find out what it is he really doesn’t like to cause such outbursts.

Is it the teacher, the foid, the noise, the lessons, the length of the day?

what has changed compared to year 1?

has anything changed in your home life?

you say he’s not with his friends anymore. Can anything be done there? Is he lonely?

Start early. If you end up with extra time then there can be playtime, read a book, etc.

don’t be afraid to do things in unconventional orders. Dd liked to sit and slowly eat her breakfast the second she woke up. ( Very, very slowly. ) So I made sure to get up before her and have it ready even though many families get dressed first and then eat breakfast.

This is the best advice on here. School today is dysfunctional at best and traumatic for a lot of dc. Read all the threads on here day after day about schools.

Think ahead to the future. What will you regret? Being on time and forcing a distressed child into a place they feel unsafe or listening to your child and attempting to understand their why.

😂 lolz 😂

tell me you know nothing about school today without telling me you know nothing about school today 🙄

Good luck @Sprookjesbos I hope it goes well for you. Yes it is pretty embarassing which adds a whole other layer to it 😔Is it new behaviour for your DC too?

@mabs49 I ended up lying with him for a while before bed and tried to chat to him but I genuinely don't think he can identify what's worrying him himself. I don't think it's anything in particular, more general worry which he copes with most of the time but it only takes him being a bit tired, under the weather or a slight trigger and it all blows off.

Not being with his best friends anymore is unsettling him for sure as he started with the meltdowns that last week of term in July after he found out the classes would be mixed. He was totally fine over the summer, and now he is struggling again.

But he likes his teacher, has some friends in the class and is already starting to make new ones so hopefully he will get there.

When he is home and calm, asking him about it.What were his thoughts in that moment?

How did it go this morning @Backtoschoolhell

So hope you had a better time of it 🤞

@mabs49 thank you for checking in. He practically ran in with a big smile on his face. So we got there about 20 minutes early haha.

Very relieved and equally confused, really hoping it lasts!

I did help him get ready, kept the morning low demand and ran through what to expect next (there are two ways to get to school so we agreed in advance which way we would go today) and he said he wanted to show me something they had made that was hung by the window at school so I kept him talking about this as distraction.

Very grateful for all the advice!

That’s lovely to hear! So pleased for you both 🥰

I supported my DS this morning with getting everything ready for school. Usually he does it the night before but he’s having a hard time at school and that being ‘fully independent’ flew out the window.

I packed his books for him, did his water bottle, found his school shoes and put them by the front door, that sort of thing.

There’s a lovely book called the five love languages. One of them is called acts of service.

Parenthood is just one long road of this kind of love it sometimes feels.

Sonetimes I have got fed up with it and wished for more autonomy from my kids over the years.

but my DD started a levels this year and I found a thread yesterday about kids going to uni and mums in particular being very sad to not see their kids. I never thought the time would come but the years just speed up and suddenly like a conveyor belt, they’re heading towards the exit.

So in those moments of shame and horror do remember that this too shall pass. It’s not forever even if in the moment it’s excruciating. I learnt a technique to suck up the shame in those moments. To almost revel in it, which sounds weird I guess. And those perfect kids and parents are having their fair share of problems, even if it’s behind closed doors. Trust me on that one!

Try to enjoy those acts of service all of us! It’s not forever! Raising health independent kids is such a challenge these days.

I asked my DM so much over the years how to be kind, how to love my children better. Some people just innately know and I had to learn some of it from her when I was a at a crossroads. It was she who told me to just get the kids dressed in the morning and give them as much help as possible. It was only later we found out they were both ND mildly. That’s not to say your DS is OP.

And if DS has a wobble and it’s starts again, don’t worry! There are new suggestions and help that I’m sure will come from all
sorts of places. I’d definitely talk to his teacher about it and ask for their thoughts and advice if you haven’t already.

You could look through Spectrumy’s posts on Facebook for what she’s going through with her daughter just to see there are different levels to this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. So please let that one go.

Good luck for tomorrow!

I've been told to do a regulating activity with them before school helps

Like dancing to music
Bouncing
Having a toy to use
Blowing bubbles

0nce they're regulated they're likely to be happy to go to school

Because back in your day, children weren't allowed emotions.

Exactly, seen and not heard and sometimes smacked or beaten into submission to get to that level of compliance.

Remember a child’s first experience of bullying is often at the hands of their own parents.

Talk to him about ways that it is acceptable to let out his anger - and provide him with some stuff to do it i got mine a punchbag for £30 off Amazon. Let him know It's ok to be angry but it's not ok to be offensive or hurt people. It sounds to me like your son may be neurodivergent. Mine are ADD - Like ADHD but without the outward hyperactivity. We've had many, many mornings like this. It got a lot worse in year 2 as there's much more pressure to sit down and write and less focus on play based learning.