How to get child in meltdown to school on time

[Backtoschoolhell]

I had an awful time with DS this morning. He walked out all breezily, then suddenly turned and decided he didn't want to go to school. He started shouting and hitting out, saying his tummy hurt, leg hurt, screaming holding his throat saying he couldn't breathe. I tried to get him to calm down but everything just made him worse.

He was kicking our front door, kicking me, it was just awful. I tried empathy, patience, cuddling, being firm. Eventually it passed and he reluctantly walked to school. But the door was already closed and we were late.

I am never late, so I feel like a huge failure for not getting him to school on time.

I just don't know what I could have done differently. He has done this twice out of 6 days so far, but the other days he's gone in totally fine with no anxiety. It's one extreme or another.

Once there he's had particularly glowing reports from the teacher too, he's participating in class, loving learning, being his usual quietly confident self.

If anyone has any wisdom to share on how to understand and handle this situation I would be most grateful. DS is 6.

I've had this situation with my DC. Once they're in full meltdown you can't really do anything to hurry the process along, you just have to wait for them to come down a bit so you can help them regulate. Better to be late but calm. I found it helped me to call the school office and explain the situation - that way you've already explained you'll be late, they know why, you can order your child's lunch (if they do that on the day) etc. takes the pressure off you a bit. And if it's a regular issue, be proactive and reach out to school to explain/ask for help - they'll have dealt with this thousands of times before.

Oh, ok.
👍
Different parenting would help, that's all 😁

Really what bubble were you living in?

Anyway it happens but the streets aren’t exactly lined with crying, screaming children every day on the school run so for the one or two that are it’s fair to assume there may be a bigger issue at hand.

I won’t explain further I doubt you have the band width to comprehend it 🤣

Got any actual advice then or just here to mock?

Do tell...

Genuinely. OP has asked for advice, it's a bit rude to suggest you have the solution but not actually offer it.

We employed a points system this year - our Dd actually drew the chart herself and gets to colour in a square, once they complete the chart they get a prize of their choice (written at the top). It has actually massively helped with transitional meltdowns for us. Our DD was late so many times last year it’s awful, I have suspected ADHD and autism and we think both DDs are autistic and have discussed with the the teacher but in the end we had to accept some days we will be signing them in late. It’s so difficult and many people don’t understand. We’ve had stuff flying everywhere on the pavement outside the gates with me pinning her down to stop her running in the road. The teachers wouldn’t even believe it was the same child as the quiet polite kid in their classroom.
You’ve got my support and sympathies x

You sound a little perfectionist OP? (Saying this as a recovering perfectionist myself)

”I am never late”.

Thats so much pressure on a young child. I’m not saying standards can’t be upheld but he’s only 5.

He behaves very well at school which shows he’s aware of standards, very aware.

But at 5 maybe it all gets too much ar times, and he doesn’t want that level of pressure. Quite understandable really. So he hopes if I pulls out all the stops he’ll get to stay at home. Or he’ll know that you finally understand how much he hates the pressure and you’ll stop making him go.

It’s funny as I’d had these perfectionist standards until my first born was 5. Then one day I realised how much pressure she was feeling about how much I expected of her and how much pressure I’d put on her to ‘be’ a certain way. She had burst into tears after knocking down a cardboard cut-out in H&M such was her shame.

From that day forward I realised that mostly the world doesn’t give a fck. they really don’t. And I changed. And she changed. And we just allowed ourselves a lot more room to be human and fck up from that point.

No one cares too much about the little stuff OP. The world won’t stop turning just because you’re late once or twice. Be kind to yourself and your little boy. Love and kindness are so much more important than being on time.

Thank you so much all, lots of good suggestions.

It is year 2, however with mostly new classmates, he is no longer with his best friends so we knew it would be an adjustment.

I'd just find upset so much easier to handle than rage :(.

No autism by the way as far as I know, I do think the meltdowns are anxiety-induced.

Distracting definitely doesn't work as he can tell I'm trying to distract him when he just needs to let it out so he gets even more frustrated with me.

To the suggestion of doing something fun near the school to get him there, we actually live 2 mins walk from the school, which kind of doesn't help as home is in sight the whole time and he would rather be there.

When he was kicking the front door to get back in this morning, I wasn't sure whether I should have let him in, calmed him down and then started again instead of letting him meltdown in the street. Would you say that was the wrong decision? I was just worried about sending the message that if he kicks off enough, we do go back home. And I think we would have been even later if I had done that.

Thank you for the response about compassion, including to myself too. All I could think this morning was how much I must be failing to not be able to regulate my child and get him to school on time like everyone else. I was quite proud initially that we got there at all, but when I saw the door shut and all the other children sitting in there nicely, my heart sank!

@Leah5678 sorry you are going through this too. Is it new for your DC?

I have suspected ADHD and autism and we think both DDs are autistic and have discussed with the the teacher but in the end we had to accept some days we will be signing them in late

I hope you don’t mind me jumping on your post @hazandduck but speaking as someone who has BTDT I hope you’re going to get the ball rolling re. getting your daughters assessed.

My daughter (diagnosed year 4) is at secondary now, and I have met so many SEN parents who either chose not to diagnose, or didn’t even see the traits in their girls (usually because they’re undiagnosed themselves and it’s all “normal” to them) only to experience a severe mental health crisis in the teen years. I know more than one parent with previously high achieving girls who now can’t even attend school, and even sitting GCSEs is up in the air.

Sorry for the derail. I didn’t realise I had autism and ADHD until I had kids and my ability to cope with daily life went down the toilet 😅

When he was kicking the front door to get back in this morning, I wasn't sure whether I should have let him in, calmed him down and then started again instead of letting him meltdown in the street. Would you say that was the wrong decision? I was just worried about sending the message that if he kicks off enough, we do go back home.

My advice @Backtoschoolhell is you are thinking of this as “bad behaviour” which needs “discipline”. He’s not a toddler learning that a tantrum gets him a biscuit. He’s very distressed and out of control. It might look like rage but it isn’t really.

Yes, with hindsight maybe taking him back indoors would have been less stressful for both of you. Stop worrying about being late for school. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. Even schools know the difference between feckless lateness and a child who is struggling 😉

I think not going back inside was the right move actually as if he had gone and calmed down there then the whole cycle could have started again when you tried to leave. As it happened so close to home next I’d just calmly sit down on the and wait for it to pass without too much talking. Unless he’s unsafe I’d let it ride out wherever he happens to be stood.

I do think that's key and I've really come to understand it all more lately, I realise he is distressed and it is not bad behaviour and he is certainly not choosing to feel this way.

However I feel like there should still be some boundaries and hurting people shouldn't ever be acceptable. He kicked me in the calf so hard this morning it now hurts to walk so that really cannot happen (seeing he hurt me was what snapped him out of it in the end... he said sorry and started walking to school).

How do I enforce the boundaries without making the meltdown worse? Kicking me isn't acceptable, is kicking a door repeatedly acceptable? I just don't know.

ODFOD

You aren't failing.

However, and this is meant supportively, the important bit is helping your son regulate not regulate and being on time simultaneously.

It's like you have added an extra unecessary criteria to make it harder to succeed. Tackle it as seperate things, one at a time.

So focus on regulation and when you have a better understand of triggers and any strategies that do help calm things down, move onto on-time.

It's very likely a majority of the on time people were only dealing with being on time and not regulation.

In terms of was kicking off in the street better or going inside, you kinda have to do a safety assessment. Is he safe, is the door safe, are you safe to move him to a quieter area.

ND family here. One of mine needs an absolute strict and basic routine in the morning, we don't deviate from it or he gets upset. My rule is, we can be late, we can have freakouts, but we never take a step back. Eg, if we are in shoes, they don't come off. If we are out of the house, we aren't going back in. Obviously that's hard to actually implement sometimes! I try and stay extreme calm. I repeat a lot of phrases "I know you don't want to go to school, but we are going to school and something fun will happen even if it's not all fun, remember yesterday when you did~insert fun school thing here~?". And something to look forward to after school. Snack, park, gaming, whatever.

In an emergency, a weighted blanket or putting a heavy pillow onto his body helps him to regulate faster. But school can fuck off tbf, they don't help as much as they should and I'm doing my best. Getting up on time and following the routine to the letter means that we are ready on time 95% if the time. I've timed it to perfection with practise.

I also broke my "no TV before school" rule during a particularly stressful time, because he couldn't regulate himself and the distraction was unfortunately totally necessary. It calms him and he automatically just listens to it while dressing and eating. I hate that I gave in on it though, but it's the lesser of two issues, so... He also takes a notepad and pen so he can write to me when he's in school, any feelings or problems he has so we can talk about it later.

I put him in breakfast club because going in to a busy school 'cold turkey" so to speak was far too much for him to cope with. He couldn't even join in with his excited friends rushing over.

Breakfast club is quieter, he gets to transition into school easier there. Also, I never make any sort of demand unless he's been fed first, from bitter experience 😅

And prep every single thing the night before. Pile of clothes for you and them, breakfast stuff, toothbrush hairbrush face cloth, bag and water bottle and football and coat all ready. I don't ish it, no morning showers for example. Simple is best. He also has chewy necklaces, fidget toys etc which help.

^ totally agree with previous poster about prioritising regulation of the child over punctuality. A lot of kids mask at school and school has no belief in how hard things can be for them in some situations... I've learnt the long and hard way that it doesn't matter. Regulation skills will lead to better punctuality.

There is a difference. A child in a tantrum will generally stop the tantrum when they get what they want (either a thing, the starting of an activity, or the stopping of an activity). A child in meltdown may start with the beginnings of a tantrum, but they will be so overwhelmed that even if you achieve the thing that originally started the tantrum, it won't be enough to fix it. You literally have to wait until they burn out.

You probably didn't see them 35 years ago. Simply because people didn't have the insight or empathy to recognise the difference.

Aah @GingerPirate the head of the ablist brigade has arrived to tell us all how to parent 😅

Mind your own business. You do not know of what you insinuate. Back then, those unregulated ND kids were probably beaten or neglected, or finding very unhealthy coping mechanisms. You truly have nooooo idea. The comparison is disgusting, you are unhelpful. These are children we are talking about. Does it pain you that people wish to find a better way to parent, rather than the beating, neglect, downright institutionalisation of ND kids in the past?

Rhetorical question by the way, don't @ me, I don't care for your thoughts.

Mine is the same age and was like this a lot of year 1, but seems to be better now he’s going into year 2 (no idea if it’ll last!). As PP have said it isn’t naughtiness but being overwhelmed and it’s worse because he didn’t want to be like it - he would cry afterwards because being that upset upset him. Rewards therefore made it worse - he wasn’t choosing to be that anxious. We had a lot going on at the time though.

Distracting worked best for me but I see you’ve said it doesn’t work for you. Otherwise if I can see he’s going to tip into it I reduce what he has to do to the absolute minimum. I physically get him dressed, clean his teeth etc. Yes that’s treating him much younger than he is but it’s not all the time and it’s not like he can’t do them other times.

And being late is not the end of the world!

Longer term does your school have an ELSA group or similar? That helped him talk through it at times when he wasn’t anxious.

😂🤣

You have described my life and my teen years (I crashed and burned at about 14 educationally after years of being considered ‘gifted.’) Now as an adult like you say since having kids have struggled hugely. I am going to take her to her GP as the teacher last year was no longer concerned I am guessing because DD learnt to mask (by age 5 😩😢), and I read a post similar to yours the other day and DH and I don’t want our girls to have the same crash I did at that crucial point in their education (right before GCSEs!) We will advocate for our girls but there are huge waiting lists and long waits even to see a GP. If you know of another way to refer her or have any tips I would welcome
and appreciate them. Thanks for your reply and sorry to derail, OP. I wasn’t implying your son is autistic but his behaviour sounds very familiar.

Bullshit.
Children have always tantrumed.

Some children have always been anxious about going to school.

My mum tells me how I tantrummed when I was young 47 years ago.

My kids tantrummed 23 years ago.

Your memory is wrong.

Very similar here! He gets very upset at having been upset, and self conscious as well at people seeing he has been crying.

We also do have to "baby" him sometimes and get him dressed and put his shoes on for him. Last year's (occasional) meltdowns happened at the stage of getting dressed, and if we insisted he did it himself it would escalate massively.

So I've given up worrying about it and just help him as he's a lot happier that way.
I can see from your post it's not because he's lazy or being difficult but it's just one more demand at a time where he is already anxious and it's too much for him.

What is an ELSA group please?

Agreed! I vividly remember lying about being unwell because I hated going so much.