Dm fretting about winter fuel. Says will freeze

[Summertimesadnessie]

To set the scene, My mother is a widow. She is a complicated woman and we have a complicated relationship, she was very cruel to me as a child and teen, but we’ve somewhat moved passed this on a don’t ask don’t tell, don’t discuss the past basis.

she is saying she will be hit hard by the winter fuel allowance cut. Very hard. She says at winter she sit in the freezing cold as she cannot afford to heat her home. She has no money, she cannot afford it.

except, she does and she can. And I can’t understand why she’s claiming she can’t. She has a large 4/5 bed house, no mortgage. Has single occupancy reduction on council tax and works part time. Her take home after tax is £3,300. Her expenses are £1,700. She drives a £500 a month car. The caveat there is this is the expenses I know about, council tax, health insurance, bills, food etc. She does not gamble nor drink.
But she is very cagey. She will not work through a budget with me or show me her bills. She also has another house, that sadly she’s just left to rot because she won’t do anything with it, so if she did need capital there’s at least 60k there.

I can’t work out if it’s necessity that she needs the winter fuel or if it’s a nice to have that she’s going to miss, because who wouldn’t want extra cash.

any tips on getting the crux of this?

This. You're chasing logic. Anyone who is cruel to her child isn't logical. Drop the rope, let her make her own decisions.

Could it be that she is an unpleasant woman who likes to try and control you by making you worry about her?

Why bother?

If she raises her concerns again, tell her to sell the second house and then she'll have all the money she will need.

Then leave her to sort it out for herself. If she's working, I assume she is competent.

I think it's likely she's just being overdramatic and hoping for your attention. Of course there are many other solutions aside from her freezing to death 😕but if it wasn't this thing it would be something else. I think it's loneliness and lack of other interest in life that makes some people conjure up these doom scenarios and then try and involve other people in them - my mother's current 'thing' is manufacturing cancer scares out of the smallest symptoms (and at 90+ she has plenty of niggling symptoms to choose from!) then complaining she is being 'left to die' when the NHS doesn't immediately swing into dramatic action. I don't find trying to argue her out of it very helpful, I just listen and 'mm hmm oh how terrible' at her for however long I can stand it then change the subject if I can (or hang up on her if I can't!). Or maybe she's angling for you to say you'll pay her heating bill but don't go there, doesn't sound as though she needs that!

Sounds like she enjoys playing the victim

She is capable enough to have a job and look after herself, I’m sure if she does ‘freeze’ she will have to put the heating on. I wouldn’t even give her any attention if she mentions it again.

It's another way to upset & manipulate you.

If you want, give her one last opportunity to go through her budget & find some ways to free up cash but with the caveat that if she refuses you'll no longer entertain that line of conversation and you stick to it.

You need to change the record OP. It's in your gift.
It's the old 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'.

Also... 3300 take home on P/T hours???

She must be very responsible & highly capable of doing her own maths, surely?

Sorry failed to add @maxelly post with which I agree 100%

absolutely it’s just seeking attention and adding drama as she’s bored.
Just listen and breezily add at some point : Have you thought about selling the second house/ downsizing ?

Some old people just like complaining. I bought my DM a lovely flat in her own name when she was constantly banging on about ending up destitute because of her rent. Then it was heating that she couldn’t afford, so I now pay her gas and electricity bills. Her only bills that she pays herself are water, phone, broadband and TV. She gets pension credit, PIP, WFA, CT benefit and CoL payments. She has more disposable income than I do. Yet she never stops crying poverty. I just ignore her now. I don’t know why I bloody bother. She just loves a good whinge and is never grateful.

She is CHOSING to do this - just say "thats nice" or "thats sad" and move on

Sounds like it's just something to moan about or she's listening to the papers DM style SM, unless her cruelty from you was a result of her living in poverty in her younger years and this is an add on from that,people aren't normally cruel if they themselves have a well adjusted upbringing.

Either way that's her Christmas present sorted, buy her an Oodie off of Kudd.ly and she'll be too warm.

It sounds like she's doing this for attention, maybe to get you to contribute to bills or have her round at your home.

I'd ignore this.

So the income is made from 50% of my late father’s pension, her state pension and then her part time income. She works 3 days a week. She apparently wants to stop but it’s fairly evident that it gives her a real sense of purpose and is keeping her mentally agile so I don’t think she will

So she did grow up in a very working class household, that first generation post ww2, so no colour tv until a certain age, limited heating etc, no car.

but as an adult she was pretty well off, her and my father earned a very comfortable life. So her cruelty wasn’t a result of living in poverty, far from it, although that’s just incited a memory, she used to complain she didn’t have enough money then too

Tell her to downsize to a 1 bed flat or 2 bed terrace as it will be much cheaper to heat, and she can sell her house at a decent profit to cover all the utilities for the rest of her life and more. She'll shut up then, because she won't want to.

People just want to complain. If anyone's complaining it should be the families priced out because people like her are sitting in family homes as one person.

Ignore her.

Presumably she is just making political points. Like those on here who can afford to £20,000 for school fees but suddenly an £4k extra is the end of the world as they know it.

Tell her to buy a coat.

Next time she moans just tell her to downsize and she will have no problem.

If she won’t accept solutions tell her you don’t want to hear anymore about it.

My in-laws are up in arms about the winter fuel allowance. They have a paid off house, 2 full state pensions and 2 healthy public sector pensions. Plus money in the bank. They aren’t excessively rich, but they are certainly comfortable and don’t need the £400 a year or whatever the WFA is.

My MIL was complaining the other day that labour are going to increase CGT and IHT. Neither of which will have any impact on her at all!! But in the next breath she’s complaining about their shocking GP surgery (it really is bad) and how expensive the private dentist is.

My conclusion - some people just like to complain! Ignore your mother

Don't engage, simply "thats nice, anyway x,y,z" if you have to engage, "yes I know, you told me already, but theres no point moaning. If only you had another house you could sell, or would you like someone to help you with your budgetting?"

Lots on the news and old people winding each other up. MIL is comfortably off and her and her cronies were on about marching to London if they take X off them.

Have you posted about her before? Or it could be that there's plenty of 'poor widows' who are far more financially comfortable than the average person yet at the same time are seemingly unaware of this blindingly obvious fact.

She's clearly being ridiculous so ignore her. Or tell her to seek help, that she'll find she's not entitled to because she's got plenty of money. So each time she complains about the cost, tell her to look into pension credit, go on Moneysaving Expert, call her energy supplier, that sort of thing.

Buy her an Oodie and warm socks for Christmas.