Dm fretting about winter fuel. Says will freeze

[Summertimesadnessie]

To set the scene, My mother is a widow. She is a complicated woman and we have a complicated relationship, she was very cruel to me as a child and teen, but we’ve somewhat moved passed this on a don’t ask don’t tell, don’t discuss the past basis.

she is saying she will be hit hard by the winter fuel allowance cut. Very hard. She says at winter she sit in the freezing cold as she cannot afford to heat her home. She has no money, she cannot afford it.

except, she does and she can. And I can’t understand why she’s claiming she can’t. She has a large 4/5 bed house, no mortgage. Has single occupancy reduction on council tax and works part time. Her take home after tax is £3,300. Her expenses are £1,700. She drives a £500 a month car. The caveat there is this is the expenses I know about, council tax, health insurance, bills, food etc. She does not gamble nor drink.
But she is very cagey. She will not work through a budget with me or show me her bills. She also has another house, that sadly she’s just left to rot because she won’t do anything with it, so if she did need capital there’s at least 60k there.

I can’t work out if it’s necessity that she needs the winter fuel or if it’s a nice to have that she’s going to miss, because who wouldn’t want extra cash.

any tips on getting the crux of this?

II would be tempted to give her the £200 or whatever it is as an early Christmas present to shut her up (assuming that would be affordable for you).

I think sometimes people who lived through WW2 are traumatised and genuinely believe some of this ( at times)
The neural pathways are set and they can't and won't take in new information.

Just a thought, may not be relevant.

My parents are in their late 70s and are completely fine with not having WFA as are all their friends. It's an unbelievable waste of public money to give it to them, all have good public sector pensions, investments, etc. Obviously not everyone is in this position but as a cohort their generation is hugely wealthy

I’m not sure that applies to her, she was born after the war ended.

i think PP got it about being recognised for all their hard work, she just kept repeating, I’ve paid in to the system I should get it, compared to people who didn’t (aka immigrants). She spends the £25 a month in coffees out and about for sure

Sounds awful. Its a very strange thing, denial.

i think it’s a mindset if you’ve always lived frugally. My Dad finds it difficult to spend on himself even though I keep telling him that he saved for his old age to spend it now. At 86, he’s definitely older! He still seeks out bargains and is also worried about the heating allowance.

You don't actually need to use up mental energy trying to work this out! There really isn't a problem... she is enjoying moaning and presenting herself as hard done by, and is playing the victim.

The woman has money coming out of her ears, an ignored house she could sell, and a daughter who has been gracious enough to overlook all her past cruelty and spend time trying to solve this imaginary problem for her!! Give yourself a break, because she certainly won't. Take a step back and don't engage with this nonsense. Change the subject as fast as possible "yes, I know it's terrible. Do you remember that red jumper/cat/dog/holiday/walk/ woman who lived next door?"
This is just a way to jerk your chain, don't allow it space in your head

My old downstairs neighbour used to be like that. Got her late husband's very decent British Gas pension plus her state pension. Woudl sit in her kitchen in a coat with the oven door open rather than turn on the heating as she alway said she could afford it.

When she went in to hospital after a fall I agreed to look after her cat and check her flat was ok. She had those pre pay meters and both had hundreds of pounds of credit as she just kept topping them up regardless. There was also a massive floor to ceiling cupboard stuffed to the brim with expensive cat food pouches - all for one small elderly rescue cat.

Apply the same logic to the topic of her freezing that she has applied to recognising her abuse towards you.
Don’t ask her if she’s cold, Don’t tell her you are worrying about it, Don’t talk about being cold in the past or being cold in the future 🤷‍♀️

Also this.

Just ignore her. If she freezes, she does so willingly.

Clearly write down her income and expenditure as you know them

When she mentions the cost of winter again, whip out your I & E piece of paper and show her how much she has left over at the end of each month

Of course she'll say there's expenditure that you've missed.....add that in .....and show her how much she has left over at the end of each month

After this ^ , all you have to do is remind her of your I & E sheet, should she mention the cost of winter again

And change the subject each time

My mum refuses to heat her house properly, despite having enough money to do so. Her choice, but it seems a miserable way to live.

Comfortably-off retirees have to find a reason to complain about the Labour Government in one way or another, and this is it.

Ignore her.

Yes. I think a lot of that generation have got very used to successive governments giving them whatever they want, and are now feeling very put out that it looks like some of the free stuff they feel entitled to might get cancelled.

Of course I don't mean that pensioners really living in poverty don't deserve help and support.

@Summertimesadnessie this is not about money or heating. This is about control. She has managed to make you concerned about her. You know she has more than enough in finances, is an adult who works and has been unkind to you in the past.
I know this is easy for me to write but you must stop engaging in these conversations. Change the subject or lesson your contact. There is no need for you to worry. The stately homes thread on here can probably give some clarity and support 💐

Really? I'm hurtling towards that generation and I got nothing, ever.

What do you mean please?

Op there is already strange phenomenon about people still thinking they are poor.

I think you should say, mum I've done someone figures in my head and unless there is something your not telling me, you can afford the fuel and if think you need to talk to someone about believing you are poor.

“You’re a clever woman, Mother, I’m sure you’ll work something out.” and change the subject.

If you head over to the elderly parents board on here, you'll see posts from exasperated adult children who have elderly parents who are financially well off but seem utterly convinced that they're desperately poor. They refuse to pay for carers and cleaners and all manner of things which would make their life easier. My own mil is actually pretty wealthy but refuses to put the heating on and lives an incredibly frugal life, totally unnecessary.

You were born too late and have missed it?

This is a thing?! This is my mum to a T.

My DM did the same @SlipperyLizard until she caved last year.

I suspect there is a sizeable group of pensioners putting their health at risk by not heating their houses when they can afford it but are underestimating their own finances.

Yes it definitely a thing. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of pensioners who aren't wealthy and are genuinely struggling....but there are definitely heaps who are wealthy but seem convinced they're poverty stricken.