Dm fretting about winter fuel. Says will freeze

[Summertimesadnessie]

To set the scene, My mother is a widow. She is a complicated woman and we have a complicated relationship, she was very cruel to me as a child and teen, but we’ve somewhat moved passed this on a don’t ask don’t tell, don’t discuss the past basis.

she is saying she will be hit hard by the winter fuel allowance cut. Very hard. She says at winter she sit in the freezing cold as she cannot afford to heat her home. She has no money, she cannot afford it.

except, she does and she can. And I can’t understand why she’s claiming she can’t. She has a large 4/5 bed house, no mortgage. Has single occupancy reduction on council tax and works part time. Her take home after tax is £3,300. Her expenses are £1,700. She drives a £500 a month car. The caveat there is this is the expenses I know about, council tax, health insurance, bills, food etc. She does not gamble nor drink.
But she is very cagey. She will not work through a budget with me or show me her bills. She also has another house, that sadly she’s just left to rot because she won’t do anything with it, so if she did need capital there’s at least 60k there.

I can’t work out if it’s necessity that she needs the winter fuel or if it’s a nice to have that she’s going to miss, because who wouldn’t want extra cash.

any tips on getting the crux of this?

Is she asking for your help or advice?

If not, then when she start harping on you could say "If you'd like me to go through your budget with you I'd be happy to do so."

If she won't stop then just stop seeing her, she sounds exhausting.

Get her a microwavable hot water bottle and a thick blanket, for sitting in the living room. She'll be okay. What did we do years ago, when we didn't have the coal fires burning all day?!

Someone with two homes and no mortgage does not need the winter fuel allowance. There are many people who will be far worse affected by the change.
Don't engage too much on the subject, she can afford heating she is just choosing not to have it. Buy her an oodie for christmas.

Play her game, be more of a victim than she is. You can't pay your fuel bills either but thankfully your DPs parents have offered to help, you just don't know where you are going to get the money for school uniforms and new shoes but Dps parents have offered to help. It's crap having no money isn't it Mum, maybe we'll freeze together!

Just for balance, my Mum is nearly 92 and lives alone in Scotland, where it does get very cold in the winter. She is not upset in the slightest about losing the WFA. Her attitude is she's lucky to be able to afford to pay her bills without it and she will be fine. She reports that all her friends are of the same mind, and so is my husband, 69, fit as a flea, also rather perplexed that we ever got it in the first place. Just wanted to report that not all pensioners are feeling hard done by.

There are many older people who are not well off and do have very good reason to worry. There needs to be a big publicity push to encourage those who are eligible to claim Pension Credit as then they could still get the WFA. The government should also be looking at how they can help those just over the threshold to claim PC. But comfortably off pensioners who own two properties? No.

My dad is whinging about it. He spends 4 days a week at his girlfriends!

I've heard lots of "well other political parties wouldn't have done this, they'll come after pensioners, blah, blah"

I don't think there is any issue with the money, she's just using this as another way to be cruel to you, causing stress and drama.

My parents are less unpleasant about it, but also complain and worry about the cost of heating, at the same time as fretting over inheritance tax. (So there must be plenty of money).

Tell her she either needs to share the budget with you so you can help, or you won't be listening to any more about it.

I really wouldn't dwell on it. She's a grown woman and can figure it out by herself. "Why don't you sell the other house then?" when she does on about it.

Don't be guilt tripped into giving her money when you know she doesn't need it!

My dad refused to turn the heating on when he got the winter fuel allowance. He would wear long johns under his clothes and a blanket. He also won't put lights on he uses the tv as a light! His bill is less than £50 a month. He get's 3k a month pension He has 90k in the bank and a mortgage free home.

Nothing will convince him to do otherwise

If my dad was still alive I bet he’d be moaning. Truth is, he used to gamble his winter fuel allowance in the bookies

ive just looked it up, is winter fuel allowance £200/£300 for the entire winter? Not per month? I assumed it was per month, it’s not is it

My DM is also going on and on about winter fuel and how she and her friends are all going to freeze.

Thing is I know exactly how much money she has and she isn't really going to notice it's gone. And her friends are all better off than her.

I am dealing with it by ignoring her and changing the subject.

Some people have a completely dysfunctional relationship with money.

It's like hoarders. No matter how much stuff they get they cannot bring themselves to throw stuff away.

People with this dysfunctional relationship cannot bring themselves to spend money. And no matter how much money they have they will always feel poor. Losing some money feels like the world ending to them. They are petrified of not having enough money, no matter how much they actually have.

This sort of relationship comes from child trauma I think. People are often bought up in poverty, or by parents themselves who have the dysfunctional relationship. They never manage to break out and feel comfortable with money and spend all their lives in fear, even though they might actually be quite wealthy.

I think this sort of behaviour is more common in older people, as they are more likely to have grown up in times when money is scarce and times are hard. Remember 80 year olds today were growing up in the times of ration books and when food was very scarce.

Of course there are some people out there who will have genuine issues with the cutbacks. But there will be a lot that don't, but plead poverty anyway.

Crikey, no! It’s for the year.

If she sells the second home she will have approx 200 years of equivalent heating allowance.

that is why it’s being stopped because of people like your mother who do not need it but plead poverty.

I agree that she wants to play the victim for attention and some older people love to complain (or talk in depth about ailments) as have less filling their lives.

It's ridiculous to suggest she will freeze due to losing a few hundred pounds while living in a massive house she could downsize and easily sell the other property off at auction quickly as even if not habitable it has value as a building plot. She likely won't want to discuss any solutions or accept help to budget because it isn't a real problem.

I hope Labour set up some additional schemes to help those that are just over threshold and perhaps those that expect to struggle will be motivated to seek advice and may even be entitled to more benefits.

The warm home discount scheme had already been restricted in past year or 2 so people who'd been previously eligible didn't meet criteria and now expected to provide the building's energy rating.

Then that’s even more bloody ludicrous and actually quite maddening because her take home is more than mine. She won’t acknowledge that her take home is the same as someone earning £50-£57k (student loan and pension dependent) and she’s saying she can’t do without £50 a month. Enraging

Yes, it was always a nonsense. £300 is not enough to really help anyone in genuine fuel poverty and ridiculous to pay it to people like OP's parents, and mine. Hopefully they'll find a way to help people who need it in a more meaningful way.

£25pm 😆

She needs to downsize to a modern, insulated flat. We are. Lots of large, double glazed windows and we barely need to switch the heating on.

If she won’t, that’s her problem.

Don’t engage. Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t discuss.

She will either freeze (up to her) or pay (also up to her since she can afford it)

Her protestations are just drama to suck you in and make herself a victim.

That's the most baffling point about all this. The WFA is a relatively small amount of money (£200 per year for someone of her age). It's also a relatively small amount of heating costs for someone who lives in a large house and is at home a lot, it probably covers 10-20% at most.

So unless you're really on the margin, ie just above the pension credit level, which for clarity, she absolutely isn't, her income is literally three times this amount, it's barely noticeable and shouldn't affect what heating is affordable. Yet we're hearing about all these pensioners who are apparently going to freeze to death.

I understand being annoyed about the principle. I also understand that if you're just above the cut off, it's a significant amount of money. But for a good proportion of people losing the WFA, it's loss of a benefit that they absolutely do not need.

I also have a widowed DM in her early 70s who still lives in our family home. Her income is less than half your DMs. She's not worried about losing her WFA. She doesn't waste money but she's comfortable. She puts the heating on when she wants. She has money to buy pretty much what food she wants to eat and keep pets. She spends money on the house and garden. Goes on trips, days out, UK holidays (no longer interested in going abroad). She doesn't drive but takes taxis when the bus doesn't work for her, treats grandchildren, that sort of thing. Has a bit in savings.

We were with a group of pensioners at the weekend, all took issue with the removal of the allowance, they actively discussed it, even though they could all afford without it. It is something many really object to. A couple of folks said their parents were upset and worried too.my comment was just give them 300 if they really are in trouble, but it seems not to be the point.

i don’t think your mother is unique in this, I think a lot of pensioners have simply become annoyed about it. One said their parents were upset as they felt it was like a gift, like they mattered, that someone recognised them, for all their hard work.

i don’t think it’s about can you heat your home, it’s more removing it has caused disharmony.

Ignore her. My wealthy relative is saying the same. 2 of them in a detached 4 bed, they go on 2 cruises a year and own a holiday house in Spain outright.

They're talking bollocks, they can afford it.

Don't bother OP.

Tell her you'll get her na oodie for Christmas and change the subject.

These people never change, they just change the way they shit on you when you're an adult