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Best age to give a phone to kids

198 replies

Gifgaf · 27/08/2024 15:41

My soon to be 8 year old keeps asking us when she gets a phone and I have to explain numerous times she's too young right now and will think about it once she's independent enough.

What is the right age really ? How do you approach this question without making them wish to be older straight away ?

OP posts:
Gifgaf · 27/08/2024 21:22

BodyKeepingScore · 27/08/2024 19:38

With all due respect, your almost 8 year old has absolutely zero concept in any real way of the dangers that are out there in this world. Most much older teenagers struggle to wrap their heads around the idea of it so it's impossible to believe a 7 year old has even a fraction of the understanding that they might. It's your job as her parent to guide her, not for her to be influenced by YouTube or social media fads.

I agree. We want to trust teenagers that much but they can barely wrap their own brain around it. I am planning to cut back on YouTube and anything else that is not appropriate because exactly that I don't want her being influenced.

OP posts:
Gifgaf · 27/08/2024 21:25

Zonder · 27/08/2024 19:18

She's 7! You have plenty of time to rethink 😆

Why wouldn't she do camps? Is that also something you've already decided?

Have you never heard horror stories of school residentials

You seem to pick and choose what suits you rather than what's good for your child.

Nothing against camps, I actually like them but they're quite expensive and we haven't needed to really make use of them before.

OP posts:
jannier · 27/08/2024 21:57

Oblomov24 · 27/08/2024 21:03

It's not something to be proud of being OTT. It's poor parenting. If you are so over-anxious and neurotic that you damage your children then you should be in counselling.

Year 5 or 6 for a full phone is fine. If you haven't parented properly up until that point, then your child may already be damaged. They may access something bad on the internet at any time, but if they are grounded and sensible, it won't scar them.

I think that's a very simplistic view, how old are your children?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Zonder · 27/08/2024 23:57

Gifgaf · 27/08/2024 21:25

Nothing against camps, I actually like them but they're quite expensive and we haven't needed to really make use of them before.

I said brownie / cub camps.

taybert · 28/08/2024 07:49

From a smartphone perspective my main concern isn’t seeing inappropriate content that could “scar” them. Parental controls can help with this and kids are all taught now about internet safety etc at school and I’ve been teaching my kids that for years too. The issues with smartphones are far more complex than that.

They are massively addictive and once children have them they start to choose the phone over other activities and experiences. Most 11 year olds do not have the self control to put the phone down and do other stuff. And even that is more complex- yes he will need to be able to access the internet and use tech for homework, but that can be done on a family laptop. A phone isn’t the best device for that anyway but the family laptop won’t also be buzzing and pinging with all the chat from his mates. It’s easier in a laptop to sit and do the task you’ve gone on to do and not to get distracted by everything else on there. When the phone does everything it becomes difficult to remove, you might want to stop them messaging and browsing in the evening but then they say they need their phone for their homework app- better to have the homework app somewhere else so it can be used separately. Our school are quite clear that no one needs a smart phone. Yes the homework is set on an app but that can be accessed at home on a shared device.

The next issue is consumerism and the influence of internet content and social media on children. A huge amount of content on YouTube/tiktok etc is advertising, pure and simple. Kids see it and they want it. And yes you can keep saying no as a parent but it’s about more than that, it’s about children being constantly told that they want these things that they should want these things that they NEED these things because they’re the most awesome things every, that everyone has these thing. Yes we had tv ads growing up but that was 2 minutes in a 30 minute programme. Often the content that kids are seeing is just an ad or it’s heavily interspersed with plugs. It’s designed to make them feel that they’re missing out, basically to make them feel unhappy that they don’t have those items- that isn’t good for them.

There are also the dangers of taking and sharing images. Yes we can be confident that we’ve taught our children the issues around this but are you confident every other child’s parents have done the same and that they are following that advice? We can’t be in control of what is sent to our children and it can land them in serious trouble.

Smartphones are part of the world we live in but they’re only part of that world for children and young teens because we as adults are allowing them to be. We can push back- if school make it hard for them if they don’t have one then question that- there was guidance published this year on this exact matter. Some schools are going completely smartphone free. You might find if you speak to school that they actually say what ours did which is that they use online platforms but there is no need for them to be accessed on a phone and that phones are not required in school (sometimes kids tell you they need something for school and it’s not the whole story….) It doesn’t take many kids not to have a smartphone for the “everyone has one” argument to fall down but it does take a few families to take those steps and make those choices.

This isn’t about hiding children away from the world or not teaching them essential
life skills because of fear. It’s about staging their access to the internet and devices which are shown to cause harm in children. They don’t need to learn how to use a smartphone at 8 or 11, I was 30 before I had one and I worked it out fine. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and they’ve got time to learn all of this over a few years, not just be given the internet in their pocket and be expected to make good choices with that.

Gifgaf · 28/08/2024 09:05

taybert · 28/08/2024 07:49

From a smartphone perspective my main concern isn’t seeing inappropriate content that could “scar” them. Parental controls can help with this and kids are all taught now about internet safety etc at school and I’ve been teaching my kids that for years too. The issues with smartphones are far more complex than that.

They are massively addictive and once children have them they start to choose the phone over other activities and experiences. Most 11 year olds do not have the self control to put the phone down and do other stuff. And even that is more complex- yes he will need to be able to access the internet and use tech for homework, but that can be done on a family laptop. A phone isn’t the best device for that anyway but the family laptop won’t also be buzzing and pinging with all the chat from his mates. It’s easier in a laptop to sit and do the task you’ve gone on to do and not to get distracted by everything else on there. When the phone does everything it becomes difficult to remove, you might want to stop them messaging and browsing in the evening but then they say they need their phone for their homework app- better to have the homework app somewhere else so it can be used separately. Our school are quite clear that no one needs a smart phone. Yes the homework is set on an app but that can be accessed at home on a shared device.

The next issue is consumerism and the influence of internet content and social media on children. A huge amount of content on YouTube/tiktok etc is advertising, pure and simple. Kids see it and they want it. And yes you can keep saying no as a parent but it’s about more than that, it’s about children being constantly told that they want these things that they should want these things that they NEED these things because they’re the most awesome things every, that everyone has these thing. Yes we had tv ads growing up but that was 2 minutes in a 30 minute programme. Often the content that kids are seeing is just an ad or it’s heavily interspersed with plugs. It’s designed to make them feel that they’re missing out, basically to make them feel unhappy that they don’t have those items- that isn’t good for them.

There are also the dangers of taking and sharing images. Yes we can be confident that we’ve taught our children the issues around this but are you confident every other child’s parents have done the same and that they are following that advice? We can’t be in control of what is sent to our children and it can land them in serious trouble.

Smartphones are part of the world we live in but they’re only part of that world for children and young teens because we as adults are allowing them to be. We can push back- if school make it hard for them if they don’t have one then question that- there was guidance published this year on this exact matter. Some schools are going completely smartphone free. You might find if you speak to school that they actually say what ours did which is that they use online platforms but there is no need for them to be accessed on a phone and that phones are not required in school (sometimes kids tell you they need something for school and it’s not the whole story….) It doesn’t take many kids not to have a smartphone for the “everyone has one” argument to fall down but it does take a few families to take those steps and make those choices.

This isn’t about hiding children away from the world or not teaching them essential
life skills because of fear. It’s about staging their access to the internet and devices which are shown to cause harm in children. They don’t need to learn how to use a smartphone at 8 or 11, I was 30 before I had one and I worked it out fine. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and they’ve got time to learn all of this over a few years, not just be given the internet in their pocket and be expected to make good choices with that.

Very well put! I couldn't agree more.

I do feel bad for the generations today because yes technology is evolving and they will at some point get access and be pros. However, their childhood will never be how maybe ours was before phones. There really isn't a reason for kids to even have social media until they are post 18, generations before they did fine without it. My DH is 32 and only Opened Instagram recently for work purposes. I also hate how addictive they are, I find myself as an adult sometimes completely wasting time on it. I do want to limit my DC going on these platforms as much as possible, for her own good. I also found recently the less she has been on, her motivation and attention for work has been much better and she's improved in her studies more.

As a mother, I wish I could keep her in my arms forever but I know the world is big and one day she will need to step into the big world alone but I am only trying my best to ensure she has the best start possible. Phones do more damage than good to kids and no one can change my mind on that.

OP posts:
Ratherbeaspoonthanafork · 28/08/2024 09:12

Once you do there is no going back but a lot of pressure to give in.

We got a super cheap untrendy basic ‘house phone’ (which we let DS and later DD take out) when they first started hanging out and playing out age 10 only a couple of streets away (just incase they ran into difficulties or we wanted to get hold of them quickly etc). We were clear that it was a house phone and not their phone.

Zonder · 28/08/2024 09:22

Very well put! I couldn't agree more.

And yet your daughter has plenty of access to the stuff this poster is talking about.

There are so many ways to teach good use of phones / YouTube / SM to children.

pistachioicecream · 28/08/2024 09:36

I listened to this interview recently with Jonathan Haidt (the social psychologist mentioned previously on this thread). He talks about some of the challenges being seen as a result of widespread smart phone use by pre-teens and teenagers. Some people might find it interesting. The unintended consequences of progress are pretty depressing.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4jIPna6nBxlteDfsM53YxB?si=1c4e2fc059884e8d

Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4jIPna6nBxlteDfsM53YxB?si=1c4e2fc059884e8d

mindutopia · 28/08/2024 10:54

Wait absolutely as long as possible because it’s a nightmare. IME, for the non-shit parents who actually parent, the norm is summer term of year 6.

This gives them time to practice interacting online in a still quite safe space with a smaller group from primary and for you to practice how to manage it and parent through it.

In dd’s class, the ones who got it earlier are seriously addicted and have parents who don’t really parent. Her one friend spends 25 hours a week on TikTok posting sexy selfies. 😳 Some of the others on Snapchat talking to all sorts of randoms. Because their parents found a babysitter. One of her friends has not left her house, literally not gone into her garden in 2 weeks.

They don’t need it. Stick to being sensible. Set healthy boundaries. There is a time and place, but it’s not for awhile. And it’s a lot of work to manage, so save yourself the struggle for as long as possible.

grumpypedestrian · 28/08/2024 10:56

As a mother (because no one else is, right) I wouldn’t be letting a 7 year old play Roblox if sexual predators are a concern.

Oblomov24 · 28/08/2024 12:22

@jannier
Why is that a simplistic view?

And why does the age of my children affect it? Does it matter that they are at uni and GCSE's?
A year 7 chld should have a phone. Nearly all will. Why deny them? Maybe rather than be worried about having a phone parents should look at the bigger /underlying picture, of bringing up their children properly, so that they are confident, self assured. If they do see anything bad on the internet, or are bullied at school, or any issue at all, it's surely best that they can tell you.

Are you damaged by phone use? I'm not.

My 2 haven't been damaged by phone use, or, rather I don't think. I'll ask them. Wink Once ds1 gets home from his holiday in Rome and the almafi coast I'll ask him about phone damage when he was young. (I'm teasing. I wont).

jannier · 28/08/2024 12:44

Oblomov24 · 28/08/2024 12:22

@jannier
Why is that a simplistic view?

And why does the age of my children affect it? Does it matter that they are at uni and GCSE's?
A year 7 chld should have a phone. Nearly all will. Why deny them? Maybe rather than be worried about having a phone parents should look at the bigger /underlying picture, of bringing up their children properly, so that they are confident, self assured. If they do see anything bad on the internet, or are bullied at school, or any issue at all, it's surely best that they can tell you.

Are you damaged by phone use? I'm not.

My 2 haven't been damaged by phone use, or, rather I don't think. I'll ask them. Wink Once ds1 gets home from his holiday in Rome and the almafi coast I'll ask him about phone damage when he was young. (I'm teasing. I wont).

Did you 24 year old have access to internet and social media aged 8 or younger? There is plenty of research to show the damage done to children by screen time and social media. Social media allows bullying 24/7 not just at school.
Your children may well be happy and well adjusted or they may have issues you're not aware of. To basically imply every child with issues is down to bad parenting isn't on.

Jessica167353 · 28/08/2024 12:53

Kitkat1523 · 27/08/2024 15:45

I can tell you have no kids🤣🤣🤣

But yet this is what it should be.
why does it take the person with no kids (not that we know that) to state the obvious.
SM & access to the internet is ruining our children’s lives. Any parent that thinks any different is in denial.

RuthW · 28/08/2024 13:04

As soon as they start going out alone or the Christmas before secondary school.

My dd had one at 8 to contact her father whenever she liked as we had just split up. It was only a basic one, as was everyone's in those days!

Zonder · 28/08/2024 13:33

Jessica167353 · 28/08/2024 12:53

But yet this is what it should be.
why does it take the person with no kids (not that we know that) to state the obvious.
SM & access to the internet is ruining our children’s lives. Any parent that thinks any different is in denial.

People with actual kids of that age can see that there are two sides to a story and that you need to find a balance in the interest of your children.

Gifgaf · 28/08/2024 13:36

Zonder · 28/08/2024 09:22

Very well put! I couldn't agree more.

And yet your daughter has plenty of access to the stuff this poster is talking about.

There are so many ways to teach good use of phones / YouTube / SM to children.

& yet I said I agree and am trying to take her off it.....

OP posts:
Definitelysometime · 28/08/2024 13:37

'Brick' phone for year 7, smartphone at 14 - or later if I can delay it further!

Gifgaf · 28/08/2024 13:38

grumpypedestrian · 28/08/2024 10:56

As a mother (because no one else is, right) I wouldn’t be letting a 7 year old play Roblox if sexual predators are a concern.

Agreed grumpy, her one is heavily monitored though

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 28/08/2024 13:45

DD is now 16 and didn't get her phone until she started Y7. Also meant she could update me with school bus delays etc

Rules were it's stays downstairs after lights out and, certainly while we're paying her bill, I'm allowed to do spot checks on it. I only do this very occasionally.

She still isn't on any SM despite me suggesting this (with me as a follower/friend). I'm so grateful for the fact she isn't. I think she's been able to see over the years the damage it can do so is happy to give it a wide berth

Also happy to say the leaving it downstairs thing is now an ingrained habit - in fact, during a sleepover at her nans recently she did it without any prompting

Sometimes especially on a rainy Sunday afternoon she is a bit glued to WhatsApp but I'll take that compromise. It's perfectly possible for them to develop healthy digital habits

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 28/08/2024 13:51

I personally think this should be standard issue until they are 16

Best age to give a phone to kids
grumpypedestrian · 28/08/2024 15:27

So monitoring a known website for making unsuitable games for children is ok but monitoring phone use isn’t ok?

I don’t think you have any right to judge parents allowing a phone.

Haribosweets · 28/08/2024 15:31

About age 9 or 10. My son was 10 and in year 5 and was a proper smart phone

elliejjtiny · 28/08/2024 15:36

When they start going out on their own and you need to contact them.

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