Why do some people say terrible, hurtful things when drunk?

[PurpleSky300]

So both of my parents have issues with booze, I've posted a couple of times before about it.

But my DM is different to anybody I know in that she says really, really hurtful things when she's drunk. Mocking people for their weight, hair, baldness, all sorts. She says terrible things about her partner in his presence, eg. he's boring, tight-fisted, lost his looks, can't cook, she'd have someone better if she was 20 years younger, etc, etc. She tells me all my deficiencies (eg. also boring, not trying hard enough to find a man, will have a lonely life, blah blah). Honestly it's like some dark character has burst through her skin and when she's sober, it all disappears. And she'll say "I never said that! I'd never say that..". Her partner is just used to this now and it all rolls off his back, but it bothers me. It makes me think that these thoughts must be floating around in her head all the time, otherwise why would they even surface?

Do you know anyone who is hurtful like this? Why do they do it?

I actually don't believe it's people saying what they really think. Sometimes it might be, but I actually believe it's more to do with people pushing their own self-sabotage button. Subconsciously, they know that you will find this hurtful and that it will drive you away. People who drink a lot tend to have low self esteem and will self sabotage regularly, hence drinking a lot in the first place.

They know the things they say are things that will upset you, but I honestly don't believe that they necessarily believe them themselves

What people say when they’re drunk is what they think when they’re sober.

@AndSoFinally has it spot on.

I know it's hard to believe but @Didsomeonesaydogs that's not my experience. I thought that too until I became an alcoholic and then lashed out because of what @AndSoFinally said. 🙁

I stopped drinking when DD (17 at the time) relayed the hurtful things I’d said to her. I was quite shocked and absolutely didn’t mean them. She thought I was telling the truth - truth comes out when drunk etc. but it couldn’t have been further from the truth. The only way around it is to shine a light on it and the person to quit drinking.

Its not true that the real person comes out when drunk. When i used to drink i said awful things, not like me at all, certainly not anything i thought correct. I was just very unhappy and it was unfair on others. I am now sober. The only time the real person comes out is when the drinking stops.

your mother is an alcoholic and an abusive one at that. You don’t need to understand why she does what she does. You need to learn to set boundaries to protect yourself and the people you love.

that means things like learning not to socialize with her when she is drinking. It means making sure if you have children, she never babysits, not even for a moment.

You can’t control how she behaves, but you can control your own interactions with her.

I don’t think people necessarily tell the truth when they are drunk, more that they want to feel a certain feeling and the mouth comes up with nonsense that provides the satisfaction.

So if someone is drunk and wants to feel ‘appreciative’ they’ll start talking nonsense about how much they love a certain thing in hyperbolic terms. Sober, they’ll say “I have no idea why, last night, I was going on about how Gareth Southgate is such an amazing guy and is the best thing that’s ever happened to football, when I don’t even think or feel that at all”.

So if someone makes mean comments when they are drunk, it’s likely that they want to feel sassy and witty and like the sort of person who “tells it like it is”. That’s why they do it, and a load of crap comes out of their mouth because they aren’t witty, sassy or incisive, instead they are clumsy, boorish and offensive when they try.

Record her next time and send it to her in the morning. Might make her rethink her alcohol intake