How am I supposed to stay in the same room as the baby for all naps?!

[Luertiak]

Just that really. I understand I am meant to be in the same room as my newborn for all daytime sleeps (obviously they are in the same room as us at night). But if he falls asleep in his moses in the living room am I then seriously not allowed to go for a wee or get a cup of tea or answer the front door to the postman? He sleeps for 2-3 hours solid sometimes. If you have a second DC then how do people work it then - surely you need to move around the house during the day?

I know people will say "the sling" but I can't believe that absolutely everyone with a newborn has them nap in a sling.

The breathing thing seems to be speculation and not fact as far as I can tell.

Don't worry too much, it's put like that so that it speaks to those who most need to heed it, ie households where the risk is much higher. Clearly we don't all live the same lifestyles and you need to combine the spirit of the advice with your own common sense and risk assessment.

My babies were born exactly 18 months apart and in that time some of the “you absolutely must” advice had either changed or flipped to the opposite.

New mums are incredibly vulnerable emotionally and my MH took a right battering in that period. TBH having a second baby was a huge gift because it helped me find perspective, and trust myself and break the spell a bit.

@Luertiak Taking care of your own health is very important and you absolutely should not be holding your bladder. My health visitor, looking back, was a bully on a power trip.

OP sadly I listened to the sanctimonious mothers with my first. I am sure it significantly contributed to my PND. Reading some of the comments here brought it back. Oh cluster feeding! Just get snacks and drinks and settle down to cuddle baby and watch TV. It makes it sound lovely. The reality was trying to ignore any pain whilst having shit TV on in the background (I was too sleep deprived to follow any complex plots) while going out of my mind with boredom and tiredness. It did the opposite of promoting bonding. I seriously regretted having a baby at that point.
You have to learn to filter out those kind of mothers and be sensible. What is actually evidence based. And when you start looking into the evidence base you find a lot of what you are told is totally made up.

For example, I just put baby down in his moses in the living room but realised I left my glass of water in the kitchen. DH is here today to get it for me but if I followed HV advice I wouldn't be able to walk across the hallway and retrieve it.

Also IME when baby is cluster feeding he is deeply unsettled and keeps pulling off the breast! So not exactly a beautiful and relaxing experience 🤣

Neither of mine ever slept in a sling (and we tried loads of them). Only thing that ever worked for naps was being vigorously rocked in a shaded buggy with loud white noise on. There was no way the buggy could come upstairs with me for a wee, so we did not follow the advice to the letter.

I think the advice must surely be produced for the lowest common denominators, e.g. parents who think it’s fine to leave their newborn snoozing on the sofa while they go to the corner shop etc. Common sense, people.

My DS rarely slept which meant he was moving around a little or at least awake and as long as he was on the floor or in his buggy I would make a cup of tea or go to the bathroom.

If your are breast feeding you need to drink and eat so how does that work if you are on your own and you can't go to get it?

It makes me wonder how the human race made it so far! It's crazy what mums are expected to do now.

I'm another with adult DC who just got on with other things when they were napping.

I had mine in the late 80s and the advice then was side sleeping because if they slept on their back it was a choking risk. At least that's what we were told then. I can remember having a rolled up blanket behind them so they couldn't roll onto their backs. Slept in their own rooms from 3 months. With cot bumpers too which I believe aren't recommended now.

I think now there's too much "advice" out there. Having to stand watch over your baby 24/7 is a sure fire way to make a mum feel overwhelmed and depressed.

Mine were born in the early seventies, they slept on their sides, tightly swaddled, as instructed. Own room from six weeks. No baby monitor.

When they slept during the day, that's when the nappies got washed and the house got cleaned. Not sure slings even existed.

My most batshit advice from the HV was to mix raw egg in with the baby's milk bottle from 4 months. the squiggly bit used to get stuck in the hole. 😮

OP, the advice will all change as your's gets older too. Don't sweat the small stuff, just use your common sense.

No it was shit! I always eye roll when I see a benefit of breast feeding is promoting bonding. Maybe for some mothers, but not me!

Your HV and MW would be rolling their eyes at me letting my baby nap upstairs sometimes then whilst I’m downstairs! I’m on baby number 3 though and it makes a difference as to how confident you are to ‘bend the rules!’. It is completely fine and safe to leave baby in their Moses basket and go to the loo, make lunch etc. It is safe sleeping advice to be in the same room as baby for all sleeps as to prevent SIDs and I would always encourage other parents to follow that advice but not to the point that you can’t walk across the hallway to get a drink of water. That’s just ridiculous! And you are more likely to go crazy following that. Sometimes you have to just rely on common sense x

I agree with the poster who says advice is often designed for the lowest common denominator. So don't leave your baby alone when napping under six months will be designed for those who would nip out to the garden for a few hours and leave their baby sleeping inside. I also agree some midwives and HVs are not very bright and just parrot things without any real understanding.
We need a blog with advice that is actually evidence based.

But that is why you’re advised to stay in the same room - it helps regulate them so they don’t fall in to too deep a sleep. Obviously the risk of SIDS is minimal so popping out for a cup of tea etc is fine, but that research behind the advice is to do with regulating the baby more than keeping an eye on them.

@Nottodaythankyou123 it is to do with having some noise that stops baby falling into a deep sleep. I suspect putting a radio or TV on would have the same impact.

Also the more sleep deprived you are, the more likely you are to fall asleep on the sofa holding your baby. And that is a real SIDS risk.

Thats what my midwife told me about a lot of the advice - e.g no drinking - actually a glass of wine here and there won’t hurt but they have to tailor the advice so there’s no grey area to avoid binge drinking etc. It’s easier to say “no drinking” than ok you can have one glass every 3 days, but only 175ml max etc.

@DancingLions it's not standing watch over your baby. You can still do things

OP, I’ve only read page one plus all your posts, but it seems the MW / HV are covering themselves and you need to make a sensible choice as the mother. It’s not “a big risk” to leave the baby to have a wee. Objectively, even the risk of leaving baby to sleep at night isn’t a “big” risk.

In general, you will need to start looking at the advice and making your own decisions. For example recently I was staying in hospital with DC3, who was 6 weeks old. Finally settled him on the bed and wanted to shower, and the nurse asked me to move him to the cot as it’s safer. I asked what happens if I refuse. She said, nothing - but she’s obliged to ask me as it’s safer for baby. He’s not even close to rolling, I was happy that he was safe, I wanted a peaceful (brief!) shower as it was a gruelling and stressful inpatient stay. So I left him on the bed. My baby, my decision, risk levels that are acceptable to me.

Parenting is going to be a lifetime of these decisions now. Even the NHS gets it wrong sometimes.

And can you imagine taking a shit with your baby in a sling? No thanks.

Yes exactly - there’s possibly something to do with your breathing at night etc but I’d imagine any noise will do the trick. Thankfully such deaths are incredibly rare!

National guidelinessay you should to minimise risk of sids for 6months of life

The lullaby trust guidance is quoted here https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/safer-sleep-basics/room-sharing/

Your noises/breathing from being in same room stops them going as deeply asleep where sids happens

Briefly leaving room is fine though

Life is full of risks and we all navigate things differently. I absolutely would leave my sleeping baby to go to the toilet, make tea or answer the door and if someone was not prepared to do this I would worry about their mental health!

Good mental health of the mother is very important for the baby.

I agree with the poster who says advice is often designed for the lowest common denominator. So don't leave your baby alone when napping under six months will be designed for those who would nip out to the garden for a few hours and leave their baby sleeping inside.

And whats wrong with going to the garden! 🤣

How is that any different to taking a load of washing upstairs to put away or going for a long shit in a loo not in same room.

Ah I had the perfect solution for this. With a baby who WOULD NOT SLEEP no matter what unless next to or preferably on top of a parent (and then only for maximum 45 minutes at a time) or in motion in the pram. So I made an mp3 recording of me fake-snoring for a couple of minutes and played it on a loop so that I could leave the room.