How am I supposed to stay in the same room as the baby for all naps?!

[Luertiak]

Just that really. I understand I am meant to be in the same room as my newborn for all daytime sleeps (obviously they are in the same room as us at night). But if he falls asleep in his moses in the living room am I then seriously not allowed to go for a wee or get a cup of tea or answer the front door to the postman? He sleeps for 2-3 hours solid sometimes. If you have a second DC then how do people work it then - surely you need to move around the house during the day?

I know people will say "the sling" but I can't believe that absolutely everyone with a newborn has them nap in a sling.

Advice and guidance are just that. Advice changes over time and is not the gospel or law. You are a devoted new mum who is trying to do your best by your baby. It's so important to find balance and be realistic.

No alcohol in pregnancy is surely because they can't know for sure how much alcohol and how often will affect the baby.. nothing to do with self control

You have two choices then.

You can literally follow the 'advice' given to you by these crazy people. Cross your legs, keep an emergency store of snacks and water bottles with you and never leave your baby for a second.

Or you can chill. Leave the door open whilst you pee, make coffee, answer the door.

But can you not see from the response on here that you can go for a wee? Your baby will be fine! The advice is more for leaving them for long periods. A wee or popping the kettle on IS fine and I think you need to maybe ask another HV if that's the way you interpreted the first one.

Yes I can. I feel like people have misinterpreted what the point of the thread was tbh - the whole point was me questioning their advice because it seemed totally bonkers and yet seemed to tally with what was on the NHS website. At that point I hadn't read the LT guidance.

And I didn't interpret the HV incorrectly - I literally asked her at point blank range, does that advice mean I can't even go to the loo then - and she said no you can't, you have to go before your baby naps, get someone else to watch them while you go or take them in with you.

OP, this is the start of learning to weave your way between the "ideal parent" mantra and the "needs must" approach.

The truth is that very few of us have the resources available to be perfect parents so we make do and do the best we can with what we've got. Personally, I used to run myself a steaming hot bath just before trying to get the baby to sleep and then I'd sprint for it as soon as she closed her eyes. But I had an older one at school, a husband who was awol so I was doing everything and a 'to do' list as long as my arm. If I didn't wash while the baby slept, I could go a week without a shower. Similarly, there was no way I was hoiking a sleeping baby round the house while cooking or doing homework with the older one or any of that.

If it makes you feel better, pretend you have an older one that you're bathing or making dinner for while you leave the baby to shower or grab some sleep.

All complete nonsense. Ignore.

That would've driven me round the bend. Thankfully people didn't come out with that when mine were young. And looking at things sensibly, what if its a se one baby? Obviously you would need to take older one to the loo, make them a drink etc.

Op, I'm actually really taken back that a HV and midwife have told you to cant leave the room even for a minute for a wee or a cuppa. That's just not real life and it's not realistic or achievable!

It's so hard as a new mum knowing what's right and what's not, you're trying to do the right thing and follow all the advice, but also you're their mum and you know what's going to work for you. There are lots of blanket advice the NHS gives to reduce risks, however I would apply these with flexibility and in a way that works for you. It's ADVICE, not a rule - and NHS staff aren't allowed to tell you it's ever ok to go against it as they have to cover their backs. Even if it makes way more sense to not follow it to the letter.

Also, it reduces risk. That's all. Some of these risks are already very very low. But also it doesn't mean it will 100% prevent things from happening either.

The advice is assuming nobody has common sense (as many don't). Really it has to be individualised and won't work for everyone. And also it's not rigid. Just use common sense! My baby once fell asleep on her front while the HV was here and she said it's good tummy time and as long as I kept an eye on her it was fine to leave baby on her front for a nap.

We didn't always sterilise dummies right up to 6 months, because baby was shoving toys, dirty fingers and all sorts in her mouth so why bother sterilising a dummy?

I definitely wasn't always right next to either of them during all naps. I even occasionally left baby asleep in the car on the drive and nipped in to make a brew and come back out again, as mine just woke up at any type of transfer. If I'd moved her inside with me I'd have a cranky tired baby.

I'd think about the risk level versus the need for whatever you're doing. What is actually going to happen if you leave them for 2 mins fast asleep?

Sorry this is long haha I hope it helps a bit though. I was so anxious trying to follow all the advice first time round, and actually I wish I hadn't and second time round I was so much more relaxed as I just went with what I thought instead and trusted my gut. Xxx

I agree, it's complete and utter ridiculousness!!

To be honest I don’t remember this advice 10/11 years ago and I certainly didn’t adhere to it. It’s obviously to do with reducing the risk of SIDS so whilst d like to scoff at it, it does make sense and I would never suggest someone goes against any advice that could help prevent SIDS.

You can definitely go to the toilet though!

Get an Angels are monitor. Monitors breathing, alleviate s worry.

But leaving a baby alone increases risk. A monitor doesn't reduce that risk. Hearing if your baby stops breathing isn't as good as reducing the risk that your baby stops breathing.

They're chatting sh*t. The advice changes all the time anyway. I have a 3.5 yo and 20 mo, no-one ever told me this, and they're both perfectly fine. Unless babies have changed substantially in the last 18 months?

Mine were 70s and 80s babies. Slept outside in the pram with a cat net over. I popped out to check on them now and again and they're happy, healthy adults.

have you checked into ppd?
not saying this to wind you up, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed and don’t feel you can leave your baby to go for a wee, that doesn’t sound healthy to me. The advice should be used with common sense. So don’t put baby downstairs, go for a long bath upstairs and straight for a 2hour nap in your bed upstairs without checking baby obv. But a wee is obviously fine.
would getting a monitor help to calm you?

If you leave your baby alone when sleeping, the risk of death will be slightly higher. That doesn't mean every baby left to sleep alone will experience sids.

I don't know the exact stats but it's more like on a scale of every newborn being left alone to sleep, you might get one more sids case in the whole country. That's still someone's baby dying when it could be avoided.

This is utter madness and puts so much pressure on new mums. What if she had a toddler who needed her bottom wiping? Can't leave the baby to wipe a toddler's bottom?

Then why would a radio or other noise not work the same then?

Like Vroomfondleswaistcoat by the time number 4 came along, she was basically napping in the dog bed between school runs.

I had one doing grade 6 piano, one receiving intensive post-operative physiotherapy, one doing 11+, two dogs, two ponies, a foster donkey (ffs!) and a PhD thesis to write.

It’s a miracle I left just the room, and not the country.

Probably best to give yourself a break and not take the advice quite so literally.

I don't think you need to be with a baby 100% of the time. I certainly made tea, went to the loo etc with mine.

But a breathing monitor won't actually do anything to prevent SIDS. They monitor breathing, they don't make it happen. It gives false security and is a waste of money.

It wasn't the advice given even 9 years ago when I had my youngest. It's quite a new thing I think.
Completely I achievable too, another thing for new mums to feel inadequate about.
I wonder if the HV and MW have actually had a baby themselves?!

It's pretty appalling that your MV and HV, the medical professionals you should be able to trust the most during the early months, are being so dogmatic and unequivocal with their advice. That's the recipe for anxious, insecure, burnt-out mamas, at greater risk of PND.

There's around 8 billion people in the world, almost all of whom exist without following the latest NHS advice. Same goes for all the myriad generations for thousands of years before us.

I mean obviously don't leave the bairn alone in the wilds with hungry predators circling while you go off to gather berries the next mountain over! But you can go for a wee, make a hot drink, check your emails, fold laundry, etc, in the next room. Or carry them with you in a basket (with one arm underneath if you're worried about the handles).

Besides, you have a half-Scandi baby, so the UK advice only half applies 😉. They'll be needing the parenting traditions from the other half of their heritage to thrive. Fresh air, in all weathers!

Do you have any experienced mother-of-many-children been-there-done-that friends who can take you under their wing a bit, lend you some of their hard-won common-sense and pragmatism? Or maybe some of DH's family?

All the best to you and yours @Luertiak x