What’s a fair amount to pay mum for “chikdcare”

[Morph22010]

My mum used to have my son a few days a week when he was little before he started school and in holidays. I used to give her £30 a day. She didn’t ask for this I just paid it her as I thought it was only fair as she doesn’t have much money, I’m by no means rich but we are comfortable. It kind of fizzled out over the pandemic when I was working from home for a couple of years. Ds is now a teenager but has asd. He is ok to stay on his own for short periods but he won’t stay on own all day and he really needs an adult that can get to him at short notice, mum lives round the corner and I work an hour away. This holidays it’s transitioned naturally into him staying in bed till about 11 then calling her to collect him. He’s stays till around 630 but could come home at 3
as that’s time his dad home. It’s been 2 to 3 days a week in hols. Obviously she’s feeding him so there’s a cost and I don’t want her to be out of pocket but I’m thinking £30 a day is a bit much now he doesn’t need so much looking after, although other side of coin he does eat more then when he was little.

she won’t expect anything if I ask her she won’t say a figure so I’ll just need to pay something across, maybe £15 a day? What do people think is fair amount

I don’t think £30 a day is at all too much. To pick up , feed, and generally keep an eye on a teenage boy.
If she is not asking for anything, then reinstate the £30 . But that is by no means a lot left over for her time.

Could you do a food shop for her including things your ds eats? It sounds like she might like him there rhe fact he's staying until after your husband his home.

When my dm looked after my dd I didn't pay her but treat her at the end of every month. That's another way to do it.

if she struggles for money and you are comfortable then i would pay at least 30 a day if she will take it. It is only a few pounds an hour and I accept lots of grandparents do childcare for free but I would see it as a way to help her out without her feeling she is getting charity.

It's not just the cost. She also has to be there for him all day for 7 hours, and collect him. Her day is not her own.

£15 sounds far too little. Especially considering she has little money.

Agree with pp it's the fact her day isn't her own

Totally.

I would continue with the £30 a day or an amount close to, which covers food and I imagine she’s treating him here and there which all adds up.

Also, your Mum also has the option to get him out the house and get a hot chocolate & cake or something he enjoys doing?

I obviously don't know your full circumstances, but you say you're comfortable?

If that's the case, £30 a day is fine, extra perhaps if she takes him out for the day?

Not sure that reads well but I meant that with the money, it gives your Mum some more options to get out of the house with your son 🙂

Another vote for sticking with £30.

Definitely 30 pounds.
My parents look after DN a LOT and it really eats into their time and they have to plan their days around him being there.
You make it sound like no big deal cos he's older, but your mum has to collect him, feed him, presumably entertain/interact with him. She can't just nip out to the shops or to see a friend presumably?

Why on earth isn't he encouraged to go home when his dad is there?

You're coming across as quite selfish OP, not thinking about your mum at all.

Why does your mum not have much money? Has she ever worked outside the home?

I think paying her £30 a day to look after your child was taking the piss to be honest. Less than £4 an hour.

I have a friend who's put upon by two of her adult DC to be the default child carer and she drops everything to be there for them, but they don't appreciate her at all. She's not had a job in years because "she wouldn't be available for all the school holidays". She goes without nice holidays and meals out with the rest of us because she simply can't afford it.

If your mum's also feeding your teenager then are you only intending to cover her additional food costs, so nothing to compensate her for giving up her life to be available for you?

If your DM only lives round the corner can your DS make his own way there?

She was already retired when I had ds, she always worked outside the home but part time when we were kids as was usual in the 70s. My mum and dad split around 1980 and she’s ajways worked in fairly low paid jobs and obviously it was only in the later years that private pensions became a thing. She could retire at 60 so was 60 when I had ds. I was going to go back to work 3 days a week when ds was born and was going to send him to nursery but my mum asked if she could have him instead. This was nearly 16 years ago so nursery’s around us at that time were around £40 a day. Obviously I didn’t know when he was a baby that he still be wanting to go round at nearly 16. Money wise mum has her state pension and a small private pension. Her income is too high for pension credit but it’s not high in the scheme of how much things cost for a person living alone

He can walk round there alone but he has an issue with locking the door and being as it’s taken us nearly 16 years to get to the point where I can leave him and him phone her when he’s ready it’s a step too far at this point to add in the extra anxiety of having to lock the door- maybe next year summer hols he will be able to do

I think £30 is reasonable if you can afford it, £20 if you're struggling.

£15 per day is an absolutely miserable offering to your mum. She is restricted from living her own life while your son is with her (much as she obviously loves him, it is curtailing her life). You know she doesn't have much money so why not treat her a little and give her a decent amount -£30 at least, £40 if you can easily afford it. Make her life easier if you can, she has done quite a lot for you in terms of childcare.

Ok then I’ll carry on giving her £30 a day as that sounds like the consensus is but it just makes me wonder when the cut off time will be or will I still needs to give her £30 a day when he’s 30 if he decides he wants to go round to visit his gran for the day as he doesn’t like staying at home on his own or just make him stay home. It is very different now to when he was little now’s he’s nearly 16 as she can leave him home for a short while if she wants to go to shops etc. there is less having to entertain although they do play board games quite abit.
i have the money to be able to pay her £30 a day but im currently putting my spare money in my pension so it will just reduce that amount.

If your DS isn't capable of locking a door an DD walking around the corner to his Nans it sounds like he needs a lot of care. Your Mum is caring for your ds for 7 1/2 hours a day and you grudge her £30. You must realise a baby sitter for this length of time would cost £65. Your Mum collects him, feeds him and keeps him amused all because she loves him but that helps you so much. Why can't your DH collect him home when he gets home? I think £50 a day sounds more reasonable. Would you work 7 1/2 hours a day for £30? I think you are taking your Mum for granted. You say she doesn't have much money but she has a lot of love for her DGS. You say you are comfortable, yet you'd see your Mum hard up.

You sound quite reluctant and sulky about it, you were clearly thinking you would get an entirely different response.

I agree you seem happy to use your mum and were hoping to subsidise your pension whilst paying her as little as possible and watching her struggle. Not nice !

To be honest if people think I’m using her which I hadn’t appreciated I might just cut back the days and work from home more in the holidays and perhaps just get her to have ds one day a week as he likes going round. I help her out with money anyway if she’s struggling to pay for something so hopefully I’m not leaving her short at £30 a day for the days.

I think £15 is ok if his dad picks him up on the way home but £20-30pd is decent if he stays later.

Would she be able to claim carer's allowance? She is essentially his carer due to his needs, a child of his age wouldn't ordinarily need supervision