What’s a fair amount to pay mum for “chikdcare”

[Morph22010]

My mum used to have my son a few days a week when he was little before he started school and in holidays. I used to give her £30 a day. She didn’t ask for this I just paid it her as I thought it was only fair as she doesn’t have much money, I’m by no means rich but we are comfortable. It kind of fizzled out over the pandemic when I was working from home for a couple of years. Ds is now a teenager but has asd. He is ok to stay on his own for short periods but he won’t stay on own all day and he really needs an adult that can get to him at short notice, mum lives round the corner and I work an hour away. This holidays it’s transitioned naturally into him staying in bed till about 11 then calling her to collect him. He’s stays till around 630 but could come home at 3
as that’s time his dad home. It’s been 2 to 3 days a week in hols. Obviously she’s feeding him so there’s a cost and I don’t want her to be out of pocket but I’m thinking £30 a day is a bit much now he doesn’t need so much looking after, although other side of coin he does eat more then when he was little.

she won’t expect anything if I ask her she won’t say a figure so I’ll just need to pay something across, maybe £15 a day? What do people think is fair amount

I'm another one for min wage and I'd round up.

Who told you DS doesn’t qualify for social care support, the LA? DS absolutely does meet the criteria. Request another assessment and complain if you are refused. If you have to appeal the EHCP at any point, you can ask SENDIST to look at the social care sections too.

To put £30 in to perspective, it wouldn’t fund the wages for 3 hours of PA time. For some, it wouldn’t even fund the wage for 2 hours.

I had social care assessment and they said we wasn’t entitled to anything as ds is accessing activities in the community! That’s stuff I take him to he goes no where alone. I honestly can’t be bothered to appeal the social care side, as even if you go to tribunal the social care section of the ehcp isn’t legally binding so the local authority don’t have to abide by it. I had to appeal the education side years ago and that was hard enough. The most I’d ever get at an absolute maximum would be a day a month and you can’t even save the money up and have all the days in holidays you have to pay out for an actual day a month or they take the money back

This is another case of the LA lying to you. DS going to activities in the community with you does not mean he isn’t legally entitled to social care support.

If you ever appeal the educational parts of the EHCP again (you can’t just appeal the social care parts), it is worth asking SENDIST to look at the social care sections. It depends on the specifics of the case, but sometimes JR is possible if the LA does not follow the recommendations. You can also look at complaining and then taking it to the LGO.

Increased support during holidays should be in addition to weekly/monthly support. Someone receiving support shouldn’t need to save up hours/funding. But saving hours is sometimes allowed, it depends on what is agreed.

Caring is different to visiting. As long as your mum is caring for your son on a regular basis you should offer a contribution towards her time and costs.

when he’s 30 if he decides he wants to go round to visit his gran for the day as he doesn’t like staying at home on his own

This is obviously a niche area as most adults wouldn’t just decide to go and spend the day with someone. What if they were busy/didn’t want visitors? This is different as your son has additional needs so it’s more of a caring role. You need to make sure your mum is happy and well enough for this going forward.

Where we are you automatically get direct payments on application if in receipt of higher rate care or higher rate mobility but ds is on middle rate care and lower rate mobility. The automatic package is something like a day a month so it’s not masses anyway. If people are outside of the criteria or want something in excess of the basic offer it’s through assessment. We had assessment but as I said we were turned down, the reasons being that ds accesses activities in the community, he is only child so we don’t need respite time so we can spend time with other children and we have support network as my mum helps out. Working isn’t taken into account in social care assessment as the argument is that you could give up work. As far as I’m aware you could only legally challenge over the la not assessing but it’s more difficult to challenge the social care package provided (or not). Ehcp just says support provided from early help as and when needed but they’ve been useless at The times when I’ve asked for support as have felt we needed it they don’t have anything to offer except another parenting course. We are in a reasonably good place at the minute with ds slowly becoming more independent and being able to leave him for period and with working full time now i just don’t have the energy to fight social care

LA policy does not trump the law. As I said, accessing activities in the community with you doesn’t mean DS isn’t legally eligible for support. The LA is lying to you. Social care support is about more respite for the parents. It isn’t just the LA not assessing people can challenge. Whether you pursue further support is obviously your choice, and not doing so is a valid choice, but you should make that decision based on the actual law rather than the incorrect information the LA is telling you.

Nursery costs around £70 per day assuming you are not in London/SE. Any offer under £50 is derisory. I’d offer £70.

If his dad is home at 3 why isn't her collecting DS on the way rather than leaving with your mum til 6.30? Or have I misread the post

He’s stays till around 630 but could come home at 3 as that’s time his dad home. It’s been 2 to 3 days a week in hols. Obviously she’s feeding him so there’s a cost

Why doesn’t he eat lunch at home and then be collected by his dad at 3 when he finishes work?

Not to mention she is in limbo waiting for his call, unable to go out or plan her own day. That's really taking advantage of her.

Exactly. It's really taking the piss.

If this was me I'd be covering food costs and then taking her out for a treat. Or even sending food. Things are reciprocated in our family, I will help my mom out by driving ehr somewhere / cooking for her a few days a week and she helps me out by looking after the kids

Omg, she's your elderly mother who has helped you tremendously over the years and has little money.

Tell her the loan is forgiven AND pay her for watching your son.

Your mum is in her 70s and is looking after your ASD teenage son 2 or 3 days a week and you grudge £30 a day?

You should be giving her the £30 a day and your husband should be picking your son up when he finishes work at 3pm. 4 hours a day is enough for your mum, she's in her 70s.

You think she's still going to be looking after him at 90??? Good grief. You are absolutely taking advantage.

It's not even the expense (though food to feed a young man is a lot!) but the fact that this takes over all of her days. At the same age, my mum always had a lot going on. Your mum will have to turn down any requests from friends, classes she might want to do, garden centres she might want to visit (a stereotype I know!) and she may be happy to do it for her grandson but you don't seem to view it as a sacrifice at all.

Spot on, @AquaFurball

You can't basically hijack someone's days and yet begrudge them a pittance.

Sorry have just seen it's only 2 or 3 days a week - not quite so bad - as long as she knows in advance which days.

I'd pay £50 per day in this scenario as it provides your DM with a little bit extra.

I’m quite uneasy at the assumption that the gran there is doing the OP a favour. As if there was nothing there in it for her.
From what the OP said, even if she was wfh, her mum would be delighted to see her grandson like that. Because it’s her grandson, she is alone etc…. I mean, most grand parents WANT to see theyr grandchildren and are happy for them to spend the day? Incl feeding them. I know both sets of grand parents are delighted in my own family.
That included my parents having one of my ds fir 2 weeks and then the other for another 2 weeks….

@Morph22010 I see two issues in your arrangement.
1- your mum needs to feel free to say ‘actually not today’ or even ‘actually not this week/month’. I know she is feeling free to say ‘I’m busy tomorrow’ but I wouldn’t want her to feel she HAS TO be there for him iyswim.
It’s a very fine line to thread. My mum would have the tendency to not say anything until it’s untenable iyswim.
2- your ds is slowly learning to be more independent. If the option is always ‘I’m going to see gran’, is he missing opportunities of being on his own and learning to be more confident?
I really like the idea of cancelling the debt tbh.

I’m hoping he won’t need looking after when she’s 90 as he’ll be 35 and he’s well on the way to being independent now just not quite as much as a typical 16 year old. However I am hoping he will still want to visit her as I’m sure she is, lots of people never visit there elderly grandparents

It’s two to three days a week for 5 weeks of the summer (we were away one week) , as it’s worked out this year it’s been 2 days for 4 weeks and three for one so 11 days in total. I don’t tell her in advance as such as if she is doing something on a day we work round it and he won’t go thst day so she doesn’t alter plans. So I might say at the weekend “can he come round Tuesday and Wednesday” and she says yes ok, or that she can’t do a particular day as she has plans in which case I’d work from home that day

OP don't listen to these people who don't know you, your mum, your son or how this works for you.

Talk to your mum about it and if she's happy carry on as you are. From the sound of it's she's happy to have him and they both enjoy it.

Some people haven't had the benefit of a happy family who help each other and get overly fixated on money/anyone asking a favour being a CF. It's their issue to work through. I'm sure down the line you/your son will go over and keep your mum company/help care for her.

Has your mum had a Pension Credit entitlement calculation done with a Carer Premium added in?
Yes, she can’t get Carer Allowance as she is over pension age, but she could have underlying entitlement to the Carer Premium.