What’s a fair amount to pay mum for “chikdcare”

[Morph22010]

My mum used to have my son a few days a week when he was little before he started school and in holidays. I used to give her £30 a day. She didn’t ask for this I just paid it her as I thought it was only fair as she doesn’t have much money, I’m by no means rich but we are comfortable. It kind of fizzled out over the pandemic when I was working from home for a couple of years. Ds is now a teenager but has asd. He is ok to stay on his own for short periods but he won’t stay on own all day and he really needs an adult that can get to him at short notice, mum lives round the corner and I work an hour away. This holidays it’s transitioned naturally into him staying in bed till about 11 then calling her to collect him. He’s stays till around 630 but could come home at 3
as that’s time his dad home. It’s been 2 to 3 days a week in hols. Obviously she’s feeding him so there’s a cost and I don’t want her to be out of pocket but I’m thinking £30 a day is a bit much now he doesn’t need so much looking after, although other side of coin he does eat more then when he was little.

she won’t expect anything if I ask her she won’t say a figure so I’ll just need to pay something across, maybe £15 a day? What do people think is fair amount

the gran isn’t a carer because she has had her grandson at home for 11 days.

I think you have a very skewed idea of what the criteria for being a carer are tbh.

No I assumed the criteria would be the same a carers allowance? You have to be spending 35 hours a week caring for someone she’s no where near that so we’d be lying

I think £30 a day was a bargain when he was small. I think it’s an even bigger bargain now and is the minimum you should be giving her. I also think your DH should be collecting DS when he gets home, unless it is your Mum’s choice for
DS to stay hours longer

At the time the nurseries round us were £36 to £40 a day. I also paid for him to go to a play school when he was 2 for a couple of mornings a week and that was £12 for 3 hours it’s more recently (as in last 10 years) the nursery costs have increased massively

If she's in need of the money I do think you should give her something but I don't have a view on the amount really, so maybe not that helpful.

Just wanted to say though that I think you're getting too hard a time with these comments.

It's completely normal in my peer group for grandparents to give free childcare. Only on Mumsnet is this not allowed to be expected.

There are some grandparents I know who do too much (IMO) but I dont see your situation as too much at all.

I think it's more about how she feels with the principle. She may feel obligated, or maybe she absolutely love his company and likes to feel needed. We can't answer that. And money or his ASD aren't relevant to that either.

I think the main thing here is that he's there until later than he needs to be. So it's establishing whether she's happy with that...then going from there about money.

Ok I’ve spoken to my mum on this now. Firstly I will add thst I’ve known my mum for over 40 years and she isn’t the sort to not say what she means so I don’t believe for a minute she is just saying one thing to me while still feeling put upon. Anyway she was quite taken aback when I suggested giving her money for having ds this summer and said “but I don’t have to do anything now and if anything it’s him that’s been helping me with my shopping and stuff”. I still wanted to give her something to cover the food at least but she’s said no it’s hardly anything. We’ve been away for few days and I’ve paid for all the meals, accomdodation and tickets and a seperate conversation she started going on thst it must gave come to a lot and she’d transfer me some over to cover some of her share so I’ve said that was fine and being as she didn’t want to take anything for having ds that could be for thst, and she is perfectly happy with that so we are sorted now

She reminds me of my mum 😀😀

Its so nice that you’ve talked and found an understanding.

And that’s the best way that family works. Loving each other, caring for each other, helping each other, offering but not taking advantage.

The important thing is having the conversation. Your Mum obviously doesn’t feel taken advantage of and you’ve further acknowledged this by having the conversation- brilliant outcome, hope you had a great time away together.