I feel so sad that my dd16 has no friends

[WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople]

For some reason my dd has always struggled to make decent friends.

When she was at primary school she had three friends, two were so lovely but one was removed from school as she was part of a religion which teaches their children at their own schools from the age of 6/7 and the other friend moved away at the age of 8 due to the parents divorcing and the mother going back to her birth country. DD was left with the remaining girl who bossed her about all the time and wouldn't allow her to make any new friends. It was a very small village primary school with only 5 girls in that year.

When dd went over to secondary school the friend ended up going to another school so dd was free to make new friends. She made friends with a girl and a boy and they have been her friendship group throughout secondary and tbh it has not been a great combination (three being a crowd and all that). The girl and boy knew each other before secondary, their parents are friends. Dd often finds they have days out together and holidays together etc and they have left dd out. We have taken them both on holiday with us the last few years, he favour has never been returned yet these two always seem to go out together, dd always finds out after when she thinks they are both at home or out with family.

DD is really quite low now. She left school end of June and this is probably the longest summer she will ever have to herself but she has spent it mainly in her bedroom or going out with me.

I know I will say this as I am her mother but she is honestly a lovely girl, she is initially introverted and isn't good at pushing herself forward but once she gets to know people she is just fine. She is fun loving and has a great sense of humour so to see her low is heartbreaking. She just struggles with making new friends but at 16 having friends is such a huge thing.

I have tried everything to get her out and socialising but nothing is moving. She has applied for loads of summer jobs but we hear nothing (our town is growing rapidly and the competition here is high). All the local youth clubs seem to be mainly full of the 12-14 year age group, all the volunteer opportunities are mainly older people, we have applied for the police and fire cadets but she is now on long waiting lists for those. Dd isn't into any sports or hobbies of any kind, tbh all she wants to do is have a friend or small groups of friends so she can hang out as a regular teen, go into town, have something to eat, watch a movie or go to the beach (we are near the sea) etc, just 'normal' teen stuff.

I am hoping that she will make more friends when she starts college in September although she is concerned because the female friend who keeps letting her down is on the same course but I've told her she will need to be a little more self centred and push herself to make friends on this course and not worry about her friend because she obviously doesn't worry about dd.

Has anyone else's dc been in this situation? Does it get better? I really do feel so sad for her.

My dd was the same. Left school with no friends and having been bullied.
A new sixth form and two years later she's a different young lady. Has plans and friends but also she really is very confident in her own company. She's been to the gym today and pottered about.

It's so tough for teens who struggle, and so heart breaking for the parents watching it. I'm reduced to tears sometimes watching my gorgeous DD being hurt. I just know though that these kids will find their people. They really will. Everyone else just needs to grow up a bit and appreciate how wonderful these DDs are. It will happen

She sounds wonderful. I promise that in time she will find her tribe. 16 is a tricky age. I had few friends also at that age. But flourished as I got older and that will happen to her too.

It is such a shame they are on the sane course, I was really dismayed the friend had applied for this course. I don’t think she really knows what she wants to do and just copied dd. I’ve told dd to get as many numbers off the girls on her course and contact then outside of the course.

That’s reassuring. So glad to hear your dd is happy, being bullied can have such an impact. My 81 year old mum still talks about the two girls who bullied her at school!

It is so heartbreaking isn’t it?

Thank you, she really is lovely and has a gentle and kind personality. I do hope she finds her people in the future.

I have a 19 year old son, who is Neurodivergent. He has Dyspraxia. The way he is stands out, especially in his speech. I have always thought he could be on the Autism Spectrum, from being a toddler. Unfortunately, no other professionals believed me. He was really shy at Primary school, but got on okay with others who had additional needs. Kids were accepting of him, but he didn't really have any friends.
At Secondary School, he gained a little more confidence, but still was really quiet and had no friends.
He went to college after his GCSEs to study ICT. He started really quietly/lacking confidence. He left with more confidence. I don't think he made any friends as such, as he never met up with anyone, but his independence isn't the greatest... it's in progress. He started being able to stand up in front of his class, and share messages/thoughts. Being part of the Student Union group helped massively. Also, he was able to support the other students in their learning.
He's passed the college courses, and is going to uni (nearby) this September. He is going to do a course in Computer Animation and Digital Effects. I think I am more anxious than him, but he's always surprised me at how well he can cope. I am hoping that he will grow in confidence there. He is looking to join the Student Union there, and from the 2nd year get paid for working for them. Hopefully he'll make some friends that will have stuff in common with him.
To be fair I did struggle with friendships from childhood, and am not great now - I have very few friends. (No know Neurodiverse issues known for me). Mind you, I do have trauma from childhood, which no doubt caused trust issues in me. Anyway, I am a known introvert, so prefer a few deeper friendships, than many on-the-surface type friendships.

I try not to worry, but he is quite like me in making friends.

I would definitely suggest next Summer being a volunteer for the Summer Reading Scheme, at your local library. It's generally quiet enough for my son, and he copes well with it. The staff are aware of his difficulties. It is his 2nd year of volunteering, and he loves it.

To date he has had no part time job. I think that this could be one of his next steps, so he can mix with others, and hopefully make at least 1 friend.

So, I would say see what the next year or so brings. I can empathise with your concerns.

Oh that is a real shame, are there many people on the course?

She may find this friend suddenly wanting to be besties now that they’re separated from the third friend.

I’d be advising your daughter to try and create some space from this girl from day 1 at college, take her time to get to know and mix with as many others on the course as she can, and not be known immediately as “X’s friend” to make sure that others on the course don’t think they come as a pair.

Agree with @SauviGone. Every chance the other girl will buddy up with your DD until she (other girl) makes new friends, and drops DD. At 16, their friendship would be firmly established if it had legs. And it isn't.
Good luck to your DD, hope she meets some lovely friends :)

Introvert here. She's on the right path. For me it was always time spent doing shared activities. You find maybe 1-2 people in each group that you gravitate to and become longer lasting friends with. So like doing a hobby for at least a year I would say.

My DD had a good friend at primary and a small friendship group then she welcomed a new friend in to the group. I always said to DD to be inclusive and the more the merrier not to leave anyone out and to treat others as you would like to be treated etc. This girl broke up the group, trashed the existing friendships and trampled on everyone’s feelings and confidence etc.

DD tried a new start at secondary but this mean girl was unluckily in her class and was there at every turn. Eventually DD got on with three girls (two of which I thought were lovely initially, the third I wasn’t sure about). Gradually the friendship changed as the other girls wanted to move up the popularity food chain and would do almost anything to achieve this. This alienated my lovely DD as compared to her peer group although lovely she was possibly a bit naive, immature and (she is dyslexic and possibly a little ND but has been assessed for the latter as she refuses). She was ditched very harshly. She spent a lot of time with me and a lot of time in her bedroom with the blinds closed especially during lockdown. She began to find her tribe towards the end of Secondary and thrived more in sixth form when many of the popular ones had moved to College or were hardly attending school due to anxiety (which seemed contagious in certain popular girls friendship groups). She got a summer job which she managed fine. I worried about her going to Uni as she doesn’t drink and doesn’t like sport or have any hobbies. But she was lucky and got on with a nice group of house mates and she has met two girls on her course she gets on with.

Basically, it took awhile and we have had a few bumps in the road but she has found her tribe, she is happy in her own way and our relationship is better.

Take care and wishing your DD and everyone elses DD all the best it can be a cruel world out there.

I was similar to your daughter, but really came into my own when I left school and went to uni. I also benefitted from having a part-time job in a shoe shop while in fifth and sixth year (we’re in Scotland so slightly different) which helped me meet other Saturday girls from other schools.

I’m now a lecturer, and we really work hard during inductions to encourage students to get to know one another. Lots of group activities and mixing them up so they have a chance to collaborate with different people. I’ll set up a Teams chat for my group, which works really well for informal chat (we share a lot of cat photos!) as well as communicating information about time changes, courseworks etc. Usually a student will gather people’s numbers and add them to a class WA group too.

My biggest tip for your daughter is go for coffee/lunch (obviously if money allows) with other students. I’m always dismayed when I say, right, let’s stop for coffee and come back in 20 minutes and people opt to stay in the room and faff on their phones/laptops on their own rather than join in. Everyone will be feeling self-conscious and shy, just tag along and get a latte.

Have you looked for any residential summer camps for her age group if they might be in budget? I've seen some amazing things advertised but mine are too young just yet.

Interesting how you get different angles on this depending what question you start with. Here’s a current thread where there are some good points, like how adults remember these empty summers with nostalgia.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5136428-to-think-that-a-16-year-old-should-be-out-with-friends

Sorry to hear what you are going through OP. Your daughter sounds lovely. I had just the same with my daughter, she's now early 20's and things have improved but she had a lot of friendship struggles. Finding a martial arts class helped with her confidence. Sorry she is having a hard time finding jobs but something will turn up. Meanwhile, perhaps a gentle suggestion to maybe at least give something a try that she might not think she likes, you never know.
It might take all your strength OP but just be there with the support and encouragement, tell her she's not alone. No doubt she'll become a lovely young woman.

As an introvert myself one thing I would never do is make my dd feel abnormal for not having many friends.

My DD had a friend at another school she knew from primary who for some reason always found it difficult to make abs keep friends

Absolutely no idea why

Her DM got her to join lots of classes outside of school and she made lots of new friends

Would she dare start one? Just advertise locally for an art collective for teens one week this summer. Explain it is not a club led by a teacher but a chance for teens who love art to get together. Create a small itinerary eg. Sketching in the park one day. visiting a gallery next day. if your home is big enough, everyone around to yours to do printing or collage one day. Or interested members could take turns planning a craft. She'd only need a couple of like-minded teens to sign up.

A little bit of ‘good’ news. Dd has been invited to a party tonight. Her flaky friend can not attend but there will be other girls from her year and she used to hang out with them at lunch when she was at school so knows them.

She is looking forward to going and says she’s going to push herself to chat to the girls and if it goes well she will invite them out during the rest of the summer break so fingers crossed it goes well.

@WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople oh that's fantastic. Hope she has an amazing time.

Thank you alrightluv

It's tough. My DS23 has never had a close friend. He's aware that he lacks skills and I know it gets him down. He's home post uni, now.

I'm praying he'll get a job sooner rather than later, but at least he is spending a bit of time with DH and I downstairs; and his DB, 25, also living at home is quite supportive.

It's hard, though. I honestly thought he'd make like-minded mates at uni, but he didn't. I used to hate thinking of him alone in his room. He did a bit of counselling at uni, but we never talked about it as he feels humiliated for having needed it.

😢

It really is tough watching them struggle isn't it?

I am a natural introvert but have pushed myself over the years since having my dc and now have one or two close friends. The older I get I am more than happy not being overly social but used to make me sad when I was younger that I had few friends which is why it hit me a bit harder when it comes to dd as I know what it feels like.

But we can't help our natural personalities, I feel I have raised my two dc the same and whilst ds19 has never had any trouble making friends, in fact he is never in, dd spends most of her time with me or on her own.