I feel so sad that my dd16 has no friends

[WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople]

For some reason my dd has always struggled to make decent friends.

When she was at primary school she had three friends, two were so lovely but one was removed from school as she was part of a religion which teaches their children at their own schools from the age of 6/7 and the other friend moved away at the age of 8 due to the parents divorcing and the mother going back to her birth country. DD was left with the remaining girl who bossed her about all the time and wouldn't allow her to make any new friends. It was a very small village primary school with only 5 girls in that year.

When dd went over to secondary school the friend ended up going to another school so dd was free to make new friends. She made friends with a girl and a boy and they have been her friendship group throughout secondary and tbh it has not been a great combination (three being a crowd and all that). The girl and boy knew each other before secondary, their parents are friends. Dd often finds they have days out together and holidays together etc and they have left dd out. We have taken them both on holiday with us the last few years, he favour has never been returned yet these two always seem to go out together, dd always finds out after when she thinks they are both at home or out with family.

DD is really quite low now. She left school end of June and this is probably the longest summer she will ever have to herself but she has spent it mainly in her bedroom or going out with me.

I know I will say this as I am her mother but she is honestly a lovely girl, she is initially introverted and isn't good at pushing herself forward but once she gets to know people she is just fine. She is fun loving and has a great sense of humour so to see her low is heartbreaking. She just struggles with making new friends but at 16 having friends is such a huge thing.

I have tried everything to get her out and socialising but nothing is moving. She has applied for loads of summer jobs but we hear nothing (our town is growing rapidly and the competition here is high). All the local youth clubs seem to be mainly full of the 12-14 year age group, all the volunteer opportunities are mainly older people, we have applied for the police and fire cadets but she is now on long waiting lists for those. Dd isn't into any sports or hobbies of any kind, tbh all she wants to do is have a friend or small groups of friends so she can hang out as a regular teen, go into town, have something to eat, watch a movie or go to the beach (we are near the sea) etc, just 'normal' teen stuff.

I am hoping that she will make more friends when she starts college in September although she is concerned because the female friend who keeps letting her down is on the same course but I've told her she will need to be a little more self centred and push herself to make friends on this course and not worry about her friend because she obviously doesn't worry about dd.

Has anyone else's dc been in this situation? Does it get better? I really do feel so sad for her.

Dd is dyslexic so that would work sadly.

She has applied for around 25 jobs this summer and getting absolutely nowhere unfortunately.

Good luck @WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople

My situation is different as my 16 year old DD hasn't appeared to have school friendship issues and has a few hobbies and interests. However since gcses she hasn't been out with any school friends, her only contact with peers has been arranged by me with family friends etc. I spoke to quite a few local parents and it seems the same for them. It's easy to think everyone else is out with friends being busy. I'm not sure it's as common as we think. My dd has been a bit down about it, had some fomo, but now seems to have settled into the nocturnal sloth lifestyle. I too hope things pick up OK 6th form.

So have you assessed why she is getting nowhere? Is it simply that too many people are applying? Do they want someone with more experience? What does her CV look like? Is she applying in the "wrong" way?

I appreciate that these things are area specific but absolutely all of my DC's peers who wanted a job during sixth form were able to find one.

Supporting the summer reading challenge involves asking younger children about the books they've read, being very enthusiastic and giving them a sticker. I can't see that being dyslexic would be a barrier to doing this.

DD is also awaiting ADHD assessment. Yes, fake it til you make it definitely. New people don't have any prior impression of you, so I said to DD, be yourself, but also be friendly, speak to people, smile, don't give off the impression you are some sort of weirdo .

DD has applied for around 15 jobs, but competition is fierce due to all the college/uni leavers also looking for work. We also live rurally so have to travel to most jobs, there is nothing in the very small town that we live in.

The museum advertised in the school newsletter back in May/June as they wanted volunteers aged 15-17 for a summer exhibition. They interviewed and took on 5 from DD's school and a few from another school. They had full training and museum/exhibition tours etc. When you get time, have a look on your local museum websites as they will probably put opportunities and volunteer programmes on there.

Is your council running any clubs? They do ones for teens here. Club Hub might have something. Would she consider a residential eeek somewhere? Might not be too late. My DDs did these. I do think she needs to find a hobby outside college. Does she have any interests?

Hi OP. I can see others have replied with some encouraging posts about their DCs and I just wanted to add my own experience.
My DS19 has ASD and went to mainstream school. No-one spoke to him for the whole 5 years unless it was to mock him. Honestly the whole experience was just awful for him and us as a family. Id see groups of teens at the cinema or out for food and my heart would break for my DS.
He went on to college where he eventually made friends with two other boys and I could see the change in him immediately. He then started uni and found the first term quite difficult but pushed himself forward into joining a couple of societies. The first one came to nothing but the second one he attended has proved to help him forge a small group of friends whom he socialises with regularly. There's still been ups and downs which he is learning to navigate as he is still getting us to how friendship groups can change or splinter off but on the whole the difference in him has been so so good to see.
As I type this he is currently on holiday with one of the boys from college and his parents and having a great time.
Please don't lose hope...your DD will find her way. I've also said to my DS that you only need to count your true friends on one hand. Sending love 💕

We have had some feedback and it does seem to be the sheer weight of people applying for the jobs. On the Indeed site it shows you how many people are applying for each vacancy and there are hundreds. One recent part time warehouse vacancy has had 800 people apply and it only went live last week. Our small town now has city status and it seems people outweigh vacancies here.

I also believe her age is holding her back a little, many vacancies state 18+.

Sadly I couldn't afford a residential week.

DD loves art and is very artistic. We have looked into art classes/hobby classes but they are either aimed at very young primary school children or amateur artist who all seem 50+.

Same here, it’s her friends that are too comfortable in their rooms!

DD booked herself onto one of these, it seems perfect for getting them out of their comfort zones and getting experience for their blank CVs!

NCS Away From Home Experience NCS Away From Home Experience

Facebook page here, showing them having fun!

Someone on our local fb group suggested this to me as they had done this in our town a few years back and said it was the making of her. When we enquired we were told they no longer offer this locally, the nearest one is 45 miles away.

Oh no! That’s such a shame. It should be available to all.

Yes - all three of my DC have had problems with friendships at one time or other. Two of them have done expeditions with British Exploring Society which has given a focus to the summer. The one I was most worried about has started university and seems to be thriving on a vocational, creative course.

Just wanted to say OP that there are lots of us in a similar situation or have been. Rangers was excellent for my dd. They are very welcoming to older girls and seem to do a wide range of activities. When she starts college encourage her to take up as many extra curricular as she can. You should also remind her that just like romantic relationships, you often have to meet and get to know lots of people before you find someone who can be a good friend.

It is really hard to get a PT job at 16 these days unless you have a friend or relative who works somewhere and hears of a vacancy. Is your DD upset she has no friends? Does she feel self conscious out with you or is she happy to go out and about with you? Maybe plan together lots of nice things for the next few weeks that she would like - cinema, theatre, trip to some shops she likes, hike whatever she would like? Cooking, binge watches, pamper nights in whatever. Make this summer the best you can for you by giving your time and support.

I hope college improves things for her. Is there a sport she likes or would be willing to try that is available for her age group locally or could she go with you in adult section of say badminton,or on a beginners adult course of something like bouldering or fencing.

@WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople that's a shame about NCS. You don't have to be local to do it as far as I know? Depends if she could get there?

Stay strong OP, my DD was similar in Years 7-11, she had a small friendship group of 3, one girl was particularly divisive and often tried to oust my DD. Three isn’t a great number. My DD was quite introverted and shy too. She took the bull by the horns and decided that upon entry to 6th form she would be friendly to everyone and be the first to break the ice to say hello. She now has a wonderful group of friends who are lovely people and are very tight knit. She is also friends with lots of other people and has blossomed into a confident, out-going young woman. 6th form was the making of her but she was pro-Active and didn’t wait for friends to find her. Your DD will make friends in 6th form I’m sure,

Dd was really excited as the young woman on fb was so enthusiastic about it. Such a shame as our town now has city status but there seems to be less for teens to do than when I was a teen in this town.

Wow, The British Exploring Society sounds very interesting.

Dd and I are very close and she’s happy to do lots with me she’s just sad as she feels she’s wasting a lovely long summer not exploring and having fun with people her own age and with the same interests and she is very bored atm.

I agree that at 16 it’s more a case of who you know when it comes to getting work. So many places say minimum age of 18.

Dd is quite positive she will make new friends at college.

She isn’t interest in any sports at all tbh but neither am I, we aren’t at all sporty.

That’s the issue, 45 miles is a bit too far for us right now.

That’s reassuring thank you.
Dd is determined to make as many friends as possible, I’ve told her just to be as chatty, smiley and as friendly as possible.

My DD was the same except was horribly bullied in secondary school. I simply told her sixth form you are more likely to find your tribe. That it is largely luck on meeting people you click with and it will come.

She made a really good friendship group in sixth form, and again at Uni. She is staying friends with people from both while jetting off as an international student for postgraduate work- where she is making new friends in the new country by having signed up for intensive language lessons before the degree starts in September. So she’s met other immigrants there who also speak English and is settling in ok.

She didn’t have a boyfriend until she was 20 and at Uni- that was a source of dismay for her. Again I told her, largely luck when you find someone for a romantic relationship.

Your DD’s time will come too.

My eldest DS only really flourished with regards to friendships once he started uni. He realised he has to step out of his comfort zone and he joined every society and club he even vaguely had an interest in. He now has a really solid good group of male and female mates.

I think a bit of distance from her current user/friend may help your DD form some new solid friendships, it’s a real shame they’ve ended up on the exact same college course, how has that happened?

She will have to start college determined not to be in this other girls shadow, nor have the other girl hanging on her coattails trying to butt in on any new friendships your daughter makes. Her user/friend sounds the type that picks up and drops the relationship with your daughter as and when it suits her.