I feel so sad that my dd16 has no friends

[WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople]

For some reason my dd has always struggled to make decent friends.

When she was at primary school she had three friends, two were so lovely but one was removed from school as she was part of a religion which teaches their children at their own schools from the age of 6/7 and the other friend moved away at the age of 8 due to the parents divorcing and the mother going back to her birth country. DD was left with the remaining girl who bossed her about all the time and wouldn't allow her to make any new friends. It was a very small village primary school with only 5 girls in that year.

When dd went over to secondary school the friend ended up going to another school so dd was free to make new friends. She made friends with a girl and a boy and they have been her friendship group throughout secondary and tbh it has not been a great combination (three being a crowd and all that). The girl and boy knew each other before secondary, their parents are friends. Dd often finds they have days out together and holidays together etc and they have left dd out. We have taken them both on holiday with us the last few years, he favour has never been returned yet these two always seem to go out together, dd always finds out after when she thinks they are both at home or out with family.

DD is really quite low now. She left school end of June and this is probably the longest summer she will ever have to herself but she has spent it mainly in her bedroom or going out with me.

I know I will say this as I am her mother but she is honestly a lovely girl, she is initially introverted and isn't good at pushing herself forward but once she gets to know people she is just fine. She is fun loving and has a great sense of humour so to see her low is heartbreaking. She just struggles with making new friends but at 16 having friends is such a huge thing.

I have tried everything to get her out and socialising but nothing is moving. She has applied for loads of summer jobs but we hear nothing (our town is growing rapidly and the competition here is high). All the local youth clubs seem to be mainly full of the 12-14 year age group, all the volunteer opportunities are mainly older people, we have applied for the police and fire cadets but she is now on long waiting lists for those. Dd isn't into any sports or hobbies of any kind, tbh all she wants to do is have a friend or small groups of friends so she can hang out as a regular teen, go into town, have something to eat, watch a movie or go to the beach (we are near the sea) etc, just 'normal' teen stuff.

I am hoping that she will make more friends when she starts college in September although she is concerned because the female friend who keeps letting her down is on the same course but I've told her she will need to be a little more self centred and push herself to make friends on this course and not worry about her friend because she obviously doesn't worry about dd.

Has anyone else's dc been in this situation? Does it get better? I really do feel so sad for her.

My DD was the same, OP (as was I!). Secondary school up to 16 was an ordeal for her, and the last year particularly hard. Sixth form was a huge improvement, but it took a little time. She eventually found her ‘tribe’ and grew in confidence and maturity over the two years. So no advice to give particularly, but it does get better! Best of luck to your DD 🙂

Thank you.
I do keep telling her that it’ll get better, fingers crossed.

Does she have any of the ubiquitous hobbies everyone mentions on here? Group activities like scouting were where I found my tribe and indeed my children have too. It's not too late for her to join up either as a youth volunteer with a younger section or as an explorer scout which run to 18.

Very difficult age OP. Girl friendships can be complicated (when they don’t need to be) and fragile.
Does she so activities outside school. My daughter (albeit a bit younger) loves air cadets and my son does football outside school which means they have mates there if the school crowd turn sour. Part time job? Many come into their own at college and uni (if she decides to go)

I am so sorry. It is a tough time.

It's not much coinsolation but DS2 had no friends at 16. Then in 6th form he made a really strong friendship group. Went to uni - no friends for two terms (lock down was responsible, but given his social history he took it personally and was very low) Lockdown lifted, he made friends. Now he has several different friendship groups and catches up with them all regularly.

Quieter or quirkier teens take longer to make friends, but the friendships they make last because they are genuine, not dependent on status and popularity in a small place like school.

But I would advise her to sign up for at least one club to develop an interest - a drama or music or sport or computing summer school. And to earn a bit of money in casual work like babysitting, pet sitting, mowing lawns etc.

When DS was lonely over the long summers of his teen years, I used to get him to make a bucket list of small achievements and fun things. It helped. He could at least look back over the summer and say: I learned to swim a mile, I read 3 novels, I learned to cook 3 dishes, I tried iced mocha lattes (or whatever).

It feels lonely but prepping for A levels by reading around the subject can help with getting good grades and a bette rlife long term. It doesn;t replace having mates but it does replace mooching around feeling sad at having none. It is a target to be proud of in itself.

My DD is the same. She had a hard time at primary and only had 1 friend until around year 5, who was quite possessive and then some new pupils joined, so by year 5 there was a little group of them. She fell out with one of those, one moved away, and the other one mixes with a different group as well as DD.

There were only 8 girls in her class, and only 1 of them lived in our town and they didn't get on.

DD made friends with a new girl who moved into our town, but that girl never wants to leave her bedroom. DD would be up for going out for walks, going into the city on the bus, or to the beach on the train etc, but the girl would rather be on her mobile phone in her room.

DD is volunteering at a museum in the city one morning a week which is good and giving her experience. She has applied for a lot of seasonal jobs, but got nowhere (one interview for McD's but no job).

I feel sorry for her as she should be out there enjoying her summer but she has nobody to enjoy it with.

I am just hoping that she makes new friends at college. She did an audition day where she got on really well with some of them, but then had to switch course so hasn't yet met anyone on that course as she missed that audition day.

I told her to make a fresh start and to be outgoing and friendly, and hopefully that will help her to make some new friends.

DD is dyspraxic and dyslexic which does mean that she takes everything and everyone literally, so she does struggle .

Any signs of neurodivergence? High masking kids can fly under the radar all their school lives, but that rarely stops them from being socially isolated. It’s like their peers are far better at spotting their social difficulties than professionals.

That was certainly the case for me throughout school.

Have you thought about Rangers op...it's the older branch of girl guides....?

Is there nothing she can do in the local area? I used to be a Venture Scout and we did loads of stuff and it was great socially.

Can she take drawing classes, skateboarding, join a society, film club, book club, learn a new language, local five a side, badminton, amateur dramatics, creative writing course, walking group and so on.

What about meetup.com to see what's going on locally?

Ds2 was same. He actually became suicidal. It was a dreadful time.

He went to college and was too shy to make friends. He went out locally with me and dh to begin with just to working mens clubs. Mixed with older men and women. His confidence grew. He's now early 20s in the forces and has lots of friends. He's still a little shy. Like your dd he has a gorgeous nature.
I had to force him to socialise. He was very depressed. I was desperate as so scared I'd lose him.
Hopefully your dd isn't as low as he is. But I'd definitely try and find a way to get her socialising. There must be cadets or something nearby? Am dram groups? Anything.
It's heartbreaking. Especially when they're being left out. Ds2 was at school.

My DC are a bit younger but also struggle with friendships. I agree with a hobby if there is something she enjoys. My DDs both do performing arts and it's very sociable. I know a couple who have started at 16+.

Thanks everyone. Dd doesn't really have any hobbies anymore. She is and has always been very artist (wants to be a special fx make-up artist). Most of the art groups in our area are either for kids or adults so not many opportunities to meet others her age group.

otravezempezamos she has applied for the police and fire cadets but there are long waiting lists in our area. She has applied for countless part time and seasonal jobs but never gets anywhere.

DD the same. And DS was too. It does get easier once they have college and a job. College kids are sick of everyone they went to school with and eager to branch out. Jobs have more of a random mix of people who aren’t all exactly the same age.

My room as a teen was the most boring place on earth, I wanted to be out all the time. Staying home was “sad” and you never wanted to be a “Joner”. We all poured into each others houses, went into town or all brought food to the park. The internet changed all that for a lot of kids.

Your dd and mine sound so very similar, I just hope they both find their people when they start college. DD is also dyslexic and has struggled quite a bit.

I am telling my dd the same, fake it till you make it kind of thing.

Is you dd enjoying the museum volunteering? I never thought of this, we have a few small museums in our town so we'll look into that.

I personally believe that she is neuro-divergent (I have ADHD) but she was assessed last year and told she is not ND.

Just registered, thank you for that suggestion.

Are there any less formal groups she might like to join than cadets? I met a lot of friends at a drama group as a quiet teen. I wasn't a massive talent or anything and didn't love the limelight but there was space for those that were like that and those that weren't.

Encourage her to spend plenty of time by the sea, in the fresh air. Any litter picks on the beach? Community or environmental stuff like that? Even if it's different ages, it's just nice to get involved sometimes if you're stuck for your tribe

She's likely to meet people at college, kids tend to mature over the summer quite a lot. She just needs to hang in there

If she brings it up, if advise her gently re her 'friend' that it's ok to leave things in someone else's court in a cordial way. That is to say, if friend wants to come to her with firm plans or a catch up, let friend know if it suits her, but not to tolerate flakiness. No need to fall out, just to let her know she's happy to catch up when both have time and inclination but not until. I've just done this and it's so liberating.

Thank you, we'll have a browse when i get back from work.

It is such a worry isn't it? I can't lie, it always concerns me.

Really encouraging to hear that your ds is now enjoying life to the full.
We will keep looking at local groups etc. We have signed up to so many but there are waiting lists for virtually all of them. Our town is being heavily built on and the influx of lots new people is causing backlogs on so many things.

I keep living in hope that college will open up her world.

I was a teen way way before the internet and like you the thought of being in my bedroom all day was unthinkable. Thing is that sh really doesn't want to be stuck at home, she is desperate to get out and about with like-minded youngsters. Hopefully college will change that for her.

This is great advice. You sound like such a lovely mum.
I feel for your DD OP. I was a bit similar and did find my 'people' in the second half of my school career.
Edited to add- whether she is or isn't ND, a few sessions of CBT for social anxiety might help. The skills taught are really useful. I use them all the time in my own life

@WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople keep us posted. I hate to think of anyone being lonely.

Too late for this summer, but on the basis it might help others, volunteering to support the summer reading challenge is usually a good bet.

I would strongly recommend she gets a part time job while she is at sixth form. (I know you say she's applied already but there are more opportunities available to her now she is post GCSE).

This has been the making of both my DC. As well as the obvious benefits of work experience and having money, it helped them both to massively increase their self confidence and broaden their horizons. Plus they have both made friends through work - although this does take time to move beyond "in work socialising".

Thank you, cbt may very well help. I’ll look into that for her.

Will do. I determined for her to have a few weeks doing something enjoyable this summer. Hopefully we’ll stumble across something suitable 🤞