Not his type - unmasked

[MuffyFluff]

I was talking to my ex partner the other day (he's the father of my children and we get on well), the below conversation happened and I'm feeling lost...

Me: that's because you're all about image
Him: no I'm not
Me: while laughing playfully yes you are
Him: that's bullshit, if I was all about image we would never have got together.
Me: what?
Him: we wouldn't have. I'd never have got with you if I was all about image
Me: stares blankly not really sure what he's saying
Him: you've seen my exes and the people I've been with since us, do you think you're similar to them in any way? You're not my type.
Me: still staring, not quite understanding, and feeling like I'm being punched in the stomach
Him: I'm not saying it in a bad way, you're just not my type, you look nothing like any of the other girls I've been with
Me: pushing tears back down into my eyeballs because i refuse to let him see hes hurt me ok cool, I'm not your type.
Him: aww don't take that the wrong way, I'm just saying you're not my type.
Me: no I get it, it's ok.
Him: no you don't, I wasn't saying it in a bad way, you're not my type but I fell for you the hardest. Like even my mum said when we first got together "she's not you're usual type" and I was like "I know, but she's sound".
Me: Yep, I definitely get it, it's ok.

End of conversation.

Now I've never been someone who's had issues with the way I look. I don't think I'm a super model, I always thought I was pretty average, I've never struggled in the love department, and I've always been pretty confident looks wise. But my exes type is, in a nutshell, pretty girls. Pretty girls who wear nice clothes and make up and get their nails done etc. I'm much more natural. And since the day of that conversation I feel like I've been unmasked. I don't know what I had been seeing in the mirror for the last 34 years but all of a sudden I've become ugly! And I know how trivial this sounds, but my gosh, its knocked me for six! I can't stop looking in the mirror, and I can't stop crying at the face that's looking back at me. Did I always look like this? I feel like I'm only just seeing myself for the first time.

I spent £200 on make up that I didn't need nor could I really afford, because I thought maybe I'll start wearing make up on a daily basis to make me look better (I only wear it if I'm going out out really). So today was the first day, I got up and did my make up for the day, I looked hideous!!! The make up was a waste of money. I dyed my hair for the first time in quite some time (it needed doing about 6 months ago), again it just made me look worse. I don't know what's happened, but I seem to have changed overnight and it's consuming me!

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I just wanted to get it out I guess.

Not his type doesn't mean better or worse.

If he fell for you when you're more natural, then I would say that's better anyway? Like you're naturally beautiful and probably have a great personality which makes you more attractive?

Part of that will be being confident in your own skin and in yourself so don't lose that.

If he fell for you the hardest, there's obviously more substance to you than whoever else he's been with.

And remember, he didn't say you weren't attractive, just not his 'usual' type.

My husband isn't my usual type tbh but I crushed on him sooo hard and still do.

But he didn’t say you weren’t (as) pretty; just different than his usual choice. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It is not necessarily a bad thing. My DP is not my "type". My exes have all been thicker set men, large builds, a bit rough around the edges. My DP is super lean/athletic, very "thin" compared to what I'd usually go for. But I still find him incredibly attractive, and I love him dearly. It's just that he's not "usually" what I would find myself attracted to. I think he's bloody lovely, and I'm sure your ex thought/thinks the same about you.

I don't think you've taken what he said in the right context (personally).

He seems to have said that you weren't the type from the of woman he previously went for i.e. he might have gone for blondes before and you're brunette, or tall women and you're short etc etc. He hasn't said you're ugly or unattractive, just you were different from the "type" he was attracted too before he met you.
Nothing in his response to me seems as though he was insinuating he didn't find you attractive at all.
So get that out your head!

You seem to have said he was all about image. That comment that personally would upset me more than saying 'you weren't my type'. It would make me feel as though my partner thought I was shallow.

I think both ways the conversation was a bit unnecessary, and has probably cause hurt feelings.

But, I'm sorry you feel knocked by it all the same.

Make up and hair is all superficial, get a baby sitter, get out on a nice date with your partner and have a flirt together. That'll make you feel more you than spending money on hair and makeup! X

Oh I just read Ex Partner...
In which case, get out there with a friend and do something you enjoy! And forget about looks.
Have some fun, you'll soon forget the comments you both made.

It's not the not his type part that got me so much, though i dont think he needed to say quite as many times! It was the first couple of comments, especially the "if I was all about image we'd never have got together" followed by the "you've seen my exes..."

And it's not so much I'm sad that (I thought) he doesn't find me attractive, we're not together, it's just I didn't see myself below the type of girls he goes for before. And now I'm very aware that I am leagues below them.

Are you though?

Underneath all their makeup and nails and tan and hair extensions. They sound basic to me..

Please don't compare yourself to them, confidence makes you who you are! I've felt very inadequate in the past but I was wrong to and I bet you are too.

Just for context, the "all about image" comment was regarding materialistic things, not people, we were talking about possessions. Half the reason I was taken aback by his initial comment.

He's a brand snob, he likes to have the latest tech and the newest car, and designer clothes etc. I was teasing him about it, which is normal for the relationship that we have with eachother.

I agree this is a bit of a slight although I don’t think he intended it to be like that. It’s been said now it can’t be unsaid, but just think of it this way, he must have really loved what’s inside and I know it sounds cheesy but for me that’s most important.

Well, you started, saying he was "all about image". And then he reacted saying "no I was with you", which was well played.

From the little info you provided, it sounds like you attacked and he answered at the same level. Not a very healthy interchange, but now it's done.

It sounds like you hurt him by calling him shallow and laughing at him so he got a jibe in to try and hurt you back. Hurt people hurt people. Try not to dwell on it, it sounds like he didn't mean it and regretted saying it as soon as it was out.

Brand obsessive would be a massive ick for me.

People's types are rarely to do with what's traditionally seen as good looking though.
Blonde, brunette, sturdy, slim.

Otherwise we'd all find the same few people our "type".

This is what I came to say too. You hurt his poor little ego so he had to put you down and back in your place. What better way to do that than knock your self esteem.

You must have been attractive to him, or he'd never have been with you. Do you really want to go to all the trouble of make up and fake nails and so on? More power to those who enjoy those things, I can't be bothered, so I wouldn't find that an insult. Instead, I like men who prefer a more natural presenting woman. I don't owe them the time and effort of dressing up.

His opinion doesn't even mean you aren't attractive. That's all very subjective. There are men in the world who a lot of women think are the best looking men ever, and they do nothing for me.

I think you're over thinking it and shouldn't think you aren't pretty because you're a different type of pretty to others.

Your not below them . You are not below anyone. You are making this all about image which is what you accused him of. . You are the one he loved more than anyone

But would you want to be like those other women? How you have described yourself sounds far more attractive to me than how you have described them.

I am very very happily married to somebody who is not really my type. Not like any of my exes. But I have never loved somebody more and wouldn’t change anything. He was clear he fell harder for you than anybody before you.

I really don’t think you need to see it as a criticism or - even if it was - you don’t need to be impacted by it. If you wanted to be caked in makeup and false nails/lashes etc you would be. That’s not you. You sound great, so give yourself a stern talking to and celebrate you.

Many a true word is said in jest and personally I think he did mean what he said. OP. It was too much detail with the information about his mum commenting the same about you not being his type for it to be lie unless you know him to be a fibber?

If he’d followed it up with “but you were the most beautiful” or something like that being his type might be seen as more of a neutral thing. However coupled with the comment about image- it’s clear he doesn’t think your image was objectively as aesthetically pleasing as his usual type .

I’m actually now wondering if he did say it deliberately to hurt you like pp have said?
Perhaps so ,maybe I’m naive. I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt but I didn’t think that was his aim initially.

If you’re still close I’d have a chat with him about it and just get it all out and off your chest, so it doesn’t simmer and then turn into deep resentment.

I must add though just because he values someone else’s beauty above yours it doesn’t mean he’s “right”. It’s all opinion, what one person thinks is the epitome of beauty is not for someone else. It’s understandable that it would knock your self confidence but make sure you build yourself back up and find and celebrate the beauty in you. Good luck, OP!

Your ex sounds awful. Like a wannabe Andrew Tate.

He sounds horrid! Sorry he upset you OP. You are way above his pay grade.

Stop it. Stop accepting his bullshit estimation of what is attractive.

You're in a different league, not leagues below them.

So he goes for the high-maintenance nails and hair and make-up done look (which = high-maintenance in my book), more fool him. Believe me when I tell you most men aren't particularly enamoured of that, they recognise how high maintenance it is and can't really be arsed with it.

The fact that he fell hard for you even though you don't conform to his type tells me he had a rare moment of clarity when he realised that the woman he wanted to spend his life with had a character beyond the blindingly shallow. Sadly he doesn't and the fact that he ultimately fucked it up and became an ex is his loss, and will be someone else more discerning's gain.

What I take from this is he's a misogynist who sees women as possessions.

Also, he fell for your personality, it was true love, and after you split he's returned to his usual type based purely on looks because nobody has measured up to you since.

Aren't shallow people insecure? Your comment struck a nerve and he retaliated by defending himself with the only evidence he has that he's not completely shallow - you. He kept repeating it because he lacked the intelligence and language to more effectively explain what he meant.

I suggest you look at beauty standards across the globe. It's not the same in every country. You might feel less attractive based on typical western beauty standards but what does that actually mean? Nothing really. Just that those standards are something you've subconsciously internalised because you've grown up with it.

There's more to life than obsession about looks, don't start now. And don't hinge your self worth on what one man's opinion of beautiful is. A man who wasn't good enough for you to remain happily together. Don't absorb the societal misogyny that gives his opinion weight. You're the same person you were before only with a little hole in your ego now. It'll repair itself! You're looking in the mirror seeing a shocked face now instead of a happy one, that's all.

He tried to hit you where it hurt and it worked. It really did.

What an pillock

Not his type!!!

Don't let him have that hold over you

Why do you say "below" though?? He not said or implied that, and even if he had, he's your ex, why do you care about a pecking order as far as he is concerned?

You've taken what he said and turned it into something else.