Not his type - unmasked

[MuffyFluff]

I was talking to my ex partner the other day (he's the father of my children and we get on well), the below conversation happened and I'm feeling lost...

Me: that's because you're all about image
Him: no I'm not
Me: while laughing playfully yes you are
Him: that's bullshit, if I was all about image we would never have got together.
Me: what?
Him: we wouldn't have. I'd never have got with you if I was all about image
Me: stares blankly not really sure what he's saying
Him: you've seen my exes and the people I've been with since us, do you think you're similar to them in any way? You're not my type.
Me: still staring, not quite understanding, and feeling like I'm being punched in the stomach
Him: I'm not saying it in a bad way, you're just not my type, you look nothing like any of the other girls I've been with
Me: pushing tears back down into my eyeballs because i refuse to let him see hes hurt me ok cool, I'm not your type.
Him: aww don't take that the wrong way, I'm just saying you're not my type.
Me: no I get it, it's ok.
Him: no you don't, I wasn't saying it in a bad way, you're not my type but I fell for you the hardest. Like even my mum said when we first got together "she's not you're usual type" and I was like "I know, but she's sound".
Me: Yep, I definitely get it, it's ok.

End of conversation.

Now I've never been someone who's had issues with the way I look. I don't think I'm a super model, I always thought I was pretty average, I've never struggled in the love department, and I've always been pretty confident looks wise. But my exes type is, in a nutshell, pretty girls. Pretty girls who wear nice clothes and make up and get their nails done etc. I'm much more natural. And since the day of that conversation I feel like I've been unmasked. I don't know what I had been seeing in the mirror for the last 34 years but all of a sudden I've become ugly! And I know how trivial this sounds, but my gosh, its knocked me for six! I can't stop looking in the mirror, and I can't stop crying at the face that's looking back at me. Did I always look like this? I feel like I'm only just seeing myself for the first time.

I spent £200 on make up that I didn't need nor could I really afford, because I thought maybe I'll start wearing make up on a daily basis to make me look better (I only wear it if I'm going out out really). So today was the first day, I got up and did my make up for the day, I looked hideous!!! The make up was a waste of money. I dyed my hair for the first time in quite some time (it needed doing about 6 months ago), again it just made me look worse. I don't know what's happened, but I seem to have changed overnight and it's consuming me!

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I just wanted to get it out I guess.

I know you didn't mean to ask about his behavior or yours, OP. However, from what you describe, his behavior is not great. He is painting himself in a bad light if he acts like that.

He's an ex for a reason OP. Why would you let him knock your confidence?

You accuse him of being shallow and then go and spend £200 on make up you don't need just because you're not his usual type. He normally goes for short, overly made up blondes and you're a tall natural looking brunette (or whatever) - who cares? You're way over thinking it.

Yeah, just one of many gems.

You called him shallow, he said he wasn't because he got with you... and you're not shallow. I'd take it as a compliment. He woke up and smelled the coffee and got with someone who isn't a brand fanatic! You're the real deal. He, however, has slunk back to type...

You told him that you thought he was superficial. He disagreed, and made the point that something other than looks (yours) was far more important than image (he is right!). He also said 'not my usual type', not 'you're ugly'; just not what he would normally be attracted to. It sounds like he was on the cusp of recognizing that people being themselves, whether that is natural or groomed, is more important. That is what I would take from it, to be yourself, and confident in who you are.

I always preferred tall, dark, slim built men. I married a short blond blue eyed bloke who is built like a brick outhouse. If I am going to pass a glance at anyone else, it will still be the tall dark ones that catch my eye. But H is the only one who can keep my attention because it is not a physical thing.

Also I missed the bit about him being an ex DP- why are you even discussing things like that with him? I'm friendly with ex DP as we co parent but we keep conversation topics very light and neutral. We certainly don't discuss our previous attraction to each other or even our relationship.

Agree there's no need to bring other women down - or the ex!
Comparing him to Andrew Tate is absurd

I understand why this bothered you, but gently, YABU. 'Not his type' doesn't mean he didn't fancy you or that you're not attractive. What he means is that he fell for you and fancied you even though (on a superficial level) you have a different look to what he'd typically go for, that's all. My own partner isn't 'my type', particularly, but I don't fancy him any less than I would if he was 'my type' (if that makes sense).

It was hardly a discussion, I spent the whole time he was talking about that just staring at him.

We were not discussing our attraction to eachother. And prior to those comments it was a light hearted conversation.

Thank you all for your comments. I'm going to remove this post. It wasn't meant to be the sort of post it has clearly come across as. And posted it because I wanted to just get it out and maybe feel a little less weighted, but tbh, what I've got back from this post is guilt and embarrassment, and the feeling of being stupid.

I just wanted somewhere to vent about my feelings and how im seeing myself, not my ex.

Turns out I don't know how to remove it. If anyone could help me out with that, or if its possible to turn off notifications for this thread, that would be greatly appreciated

But you did discuss your attraction to each other and you obviously called him shallow or whatever. That’s not light hearted and neutral 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you read my other comments you'd see that we were talking about materialistic items. Not our attraction to eachother.

I don't think your ex husband meant it in a nasty way, I just think he probably didn't really put it across in the right way. We all usually have a 'type' we go for, sometimes it can even be subconsciously. For example, I like tall men (6ft plus), big built and dark haired. I will naturally gravitate to the man who looks like that in a room! However, I have dated a man who was 5ft 6, blonde, blue eyed and skinny! Not my usual type. Your ex hasn't meant it in a derogatory manner at all. You were different to anyone else he'd dated before and he fell hard for you, probably because you weren't his usual type!! He's not meant you weren't good enough, or pretty enough. Don't try to change you or how you are, you should always be yourself.

You're fine OP, not stupid at all. And people can say what they want online- but I don’t know many woman who wouldn’t have taken that that as a slight /insult against their looks be it unintended or otherwise.

I still think you can look it at it that he really liked your character though which is great, but I do understand the feeling hurt part too.

To get rid of this thread I think just hit the “report” tab in your OP or any of your update posts - and indicate to MN in the relevant section you want the thread deleted.

OP, don't feel stupid! Clearly, he hurt you in the past and, even though we can move on, sometimes it doesn't take much to bring that hurt back to the surface.
I wonder if his comment was a bit calculating and designed to bring you down?
Hold your head up and remind yourself that it's his loss and you are well rid. 🩷

But the conversation descended onto a topic that upset you a lot. I'm not having a go, just trying to help you avoid a recurrence. Keep comms with him to a minimum and child related.

You can't remove posts OP. You can go into settings and turn off the notification features so you won't know when someone @ you or "thanks" you, on any posts/threads. You can delete a thread from threads I'm on/watching so when you go there you won't see if there's any more posts. You can do that by clicking on the three dots beside the thread and choosing "remove". There's also "hide thread" feature which you can use on this thread so you won't see it show up in the active threads page. Access that by finding it in active threads, clicking the three dots beside the thread and choosing "hide".

You can ask mn to remove your post/thread, too. I think you just select "report" and "other" then explain.