Not his type - unmasked

[MuffyFluff]

I was talking to my ex partner the other day (he's the father of my children and we get on well), the below conversation happened and I'm feeling lost...

Me: that's because you're all about image
Him: no I'm not
Me: while laughing playfully yes you are
Him: that's bullshit, if I was all about image we would never have got together.
Me: what?
Him: we wouldn't have. I'd never have got with you if I was all about image
Me: stares blankly not really sure what he's saying
Him: you've seen my exes and the people I've been with since us, do you think you're similar to them in any way? You're not my type.
Me: still staring, not quite understanding, and feeling like I'm being punched in the stomach
Him: I'm not saying it in a bad way, you're just not my type, you look nothing like any of the other girls I've been with
Me: pushing tears back down into my eyeballs because i refuse to let him see hes hurt me ok cool, I'm not your type.
Him: aww don't take that the wrong way, I'm just saying you're not my type.
Me: no I get it, it's ok.
Him: no you don't, I wasn't saying it in a bad way, you're not my type but I fell for you the hardest. Like even my mum said when we first got together "she's not you're usual type" and I was like "I know, but she's sound".
Me: Yep, I definitely get it, it's ok.

End of conversation.

Now I've never been someone who's had issues with the way I look. I don't think I'm a super model, I always thought I was pretty average, I've never struggled in the love department, and I've always been pretty confident looks wise. But my exes type is, in a nutshell, pretty girls. Pretty girls who wear nice clothes and make up and get their nails done etc. I'm much more natural. And since the day of that conversation I feel like I've been unmasked. I don't know what I had been seeing in the mirror for the last 34 years but all of a sudden I've become ugly! And I know how trivial this sounds, but my gosh, its knocked me for six! I can't stop looking in the mirror, and I can't stop crying at the face that's looking back at me. Did I always look like this? I feel like I'm only just seeing myself for the first time.

I spent £200 on make up that I didn't need nor could I really afford, because I thought maybe I'll start wearing make up on a daily basis to make me look better (I only wear it if I'm going out out really). So today was the first day, I got up and did my make up for the day, I looked hideous!!! The make up was a waste of money. I dyed my hair for the first time in quite some time (it needed doing about 6 months ago), again it just made me look worse. I don't know what's happened, but I seem to have changed overnight and it's consuming me!

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I just wanted to get it out I guess.

I still think this was a bit rude and implying he is a little shallow. So he doesn’t know that ‘stuff’ is unimportant it’s who you are that matters.
I think if someone said this to me I would be a bit hurt and want to hit back.

[Deleted as posted by mistake]

He's an ex for a reason. He's not a nice man.
He was being cruel on purpose.
What he said was lies.

@GumdropsAndLollipops thanks, I'm shallow and intelligent. We do exist

Wow what a backhanded compliment. That’s awful!

Op , be glad you're not his type. He's your ex , you need to forget what he said and also stop having such a jokey relationship with him as what he said was cruel.

And you and other women he's dated looking different doesn't mean that any of you are better than the other. We're all different and that is all.

Was he your type?

Doesn't sound like it.

He didn't say you are less attractive than the others?

@Snowflake2 Also, he fell for your personality, it was true love, and after you split he's returned to his usual type based purely on looks because nobody has measured up to you since.

This is how I would read it. I genuinely remember saying something similar to an ex when we were together in our late teens and it came out all clumsy and wrong and he got offended. I meant it as I saw you as a real person, not a superficial attraction and the connection was real not like a crush.

I get you are upset OP but i also think you are being silly. Anyone can get fake tan, eyelashes, nails and obsess about trends. Girls like this enjoy this, it's like their hobby. I often wonder do they understand that the world sees them as fake too and do they feel that no one really sees them for who they are. Or are they actually genuinely shallow.

sounds like he's STILL shallow tbh. Having a type is a bit of a sign somebody is shallow to me.

You teased him and it hurts. A lot of men are fearful of being laughed at. He knows you well and hit back where it hurt you the most. His designer gear is designed to give him a confidence boost it's his shield. You need to get this back in perspective. You are the same person you always were.

He's decided your worth. How did he the power to do that? You were feeling and thinking one way about yourself, then he made his comment in poor taste, and now you despise what you see in the mirror. That's a lot of power for one man to have.

Of course you’re not! I think most men don’t prefer overly made up women. My ds far prefers a more natural look and I think most of his mates do as well. However, personality is far more important to him, so he may well date someone ‘not his type’ that has that look.

That's because you're all about image.

Unless this is a comment you have both joked about before, you were being quite critical about him and then you got upset when he retaliated.

OP, in this conversation he confirmed everything you said about him and that it is all about looks for him when it comes to women.

When I think of "type", what comes to mind is interests, personality and personal values; not looks. You never even asked him about his "type" but he started talking about it anyway and to him a "type" of woman is looks and nothing else.

He sounds like a shallow asshole and I think your self-esteem would be much improved by no longer associating with him.

I once had a guy I was chatting with tell me all about how he usually "dates very good looking women" and that his friends compliment him on this. I found it so off-putting that I didn't want to chat to him anymore after that. We had vague plans to meet up, but neither of us pursued it after that.

OP, in this conversation he confirmed everything you said about him and that it is all about looks for him when it comes to women.

When I think of "type", what comes to mind is interests, personality and personal values; not looks. You never even asked him about his "type" but he started talking about it anyway and to him a "type" of woman is looks and nothing else.

@Life2Short4Nonsense spot on. one of the most sensible posts on here.

Some posters are verging on gaslighting OP. It’s perfectly understandable why she’d have taken his words as a slight. And he’s not the victim here at all. Having a dig at a woman’s appearance because she said, jokingly or otherwise, that you’re all about image is a disproportionate response. And he did unwittingly confirm her words.

Oh lovey, stop being so hard on yourself.

What makes someone attractive is very particular. You have the current fashionable standards of beauty - but just because that's the prevailing trend, doesn't mean that everyone feels that way. It would be boring if we were all the same.

Focus on what makes you feel good, what makes you feel confident and happy - that's your attractiveness. Trying to be something you are not, to fit a mould that isn't yours, to try and fit someone else's ideal of beauty, is madness.

A friend of mine has an H who was in a LTR before her. His ex is very glamorous and nicely dressed, always made up, hair done, nails done and so on. My friend is almost the opposite - will put on the first thing that comes to hand, hardly ever wears make up, hair is bunged back in a ponytail. Her H is as happy as larry and worships the ground she walks on. Rightly so, because she's a lovely person and her attractiveness is just naturally her if that makes sense - it's the person she is, always nice to be around, happy, funny, a good friend, loyal - rather than what she's wearing or what she's done with her hair.

So carry on being the lovely person that you are, and stop worrying about what other people think constitutes being attractive. Don't forget that in the 90s it was having almost no eyebrows and two-tone foundation. In the noughties it was wearing low rider jeans with a thong sticking out the top and poker straight stripy hair, and now it seems to be fluffy brows, lip filler and long acrylic nails - but what's fashionable today will all change!!

I think you have a self-image problem.

You are you - you are not defined by whether or not you are his "type." Nor indeed anyone else's type.

Gather up your self-respect and forget this silly meaningless conversation.

Aw, thank you. 😊

@MuffyFluff It would appear he is not just shallow about looks either, from reading your updates, he is very image obsessed all around.

Ugh, it’s a hideous feeling, I know this well - my ex was into “tall blondes” and that’s all he talked about when we were together - how I wasn’t his type.

it really can mess with your head and destroy your self esteem.

here’s what helped me, over time (in case it might help you):
why does this asshole get a vote?
he obviously has terrible taste - (hence being an ex!)
why does his opinion matter at all?
time to make it stop mattering.

he isn’t the judge of what’s beautiful.

stop messing with yourself (unless it genuinely feels right and good for you : makeup, dyeing hair, only do stuff like that if it brings you joy and makes you feel good
and keep reminding yourself he is an idiot with completely tacky taste, who would choose a big glass bauble over a diamond.

I feel like people are taking this in a way it wasn't implied, it was never a who is at fault kind of post. I'm not trying to portray him in a bad light. As I've already said, I think he was being honest, and I'm not hating at him for saying I'm not his type. He's right, I'm not anything like the girls he goes for. It's just I never saw that as a negative until that conversation. I mentioned the conversation to give context as to where my feelings have come from.

My issue is I look different, I'm not seeing what I once saw in the mirror. I feel like someone has just opened my eyes and I'm seeing myself for the first time. It may be silly, it feels silly, but I still feel it all the same.

I don't get it. He's saying he found you attractive for you and not for shallow reasons. Isn't that a good thing? He found you attractive with your more natural look despite his usual type being women who are more made-up. It sounds flattering to me.

Because it didn't feel like a compliment when he said "that's bullshit, if I was all about looks we'd have never have got together" and then compared me to his usual type. I'm really struggling to the compliment there. It feels like the opposite of that.

But it's obviously a me problem, perhaps I was never as confident in myself as I thought I was.

Why do we place so much emphasis on what men think of us? Go out and enjoy life as you want to, looking how you want to look and find yourself. Make the most of your talents, skills, interests and connection to live your best life.

The compliment being he thinks you as a person are more than your looks. And that your more natural style is attractive to him despite generally preferring a more made-up look.

It's only insulting if you equate more groomed and more made-up with "better". Which I don't.

Type doesn't mean attractiveness. Ex DP and I weren't each other's types- him clean cut, sportswear, me alternative/gothy, tattoos, bright hair etc. We were still attracted to each other.