Not his type - unmasked

[MuffyFluff]

I was talking to my ex partner the other day (he's the father of my children and we get on well), the below conversation happened and I'm feeling lost...

Me: that's because you're all about image
Him: no I'm not
Me: while laughing playfully yes you are
Him: that's bullshit, if I was all about image we would never have got together.
Me: what?
Him: we wouldn't have. I'd never have got with you if I was all about image
Me: stares blankly not really sure what he's saying
Him: you've seen my exes and the people I've been with since us, do you think you're similar to them in any way? You're not my type.
Me: still staring, not quite understanding, and feeling like I'm being punched in the stomach
Him: I'm not saying it in a bad way, you're just not my type, you look nothing like any of the other girls I've been with
Me: pushing tears back down into my eyeballs because i refuse to let him see hes hurt me ok cool, I'm not your type.
Him: aww don't take that the wrong way, I'm just saying you're not my type.
Me: no I get it, it's ok.
Him: no you don't, I wasn't saying it in a bad way, you're not my type but I fell for you the hardest. Like even my mum said when we first got together "she's not you're usual type" and I was like "I know, but she's sound".
Me: Yep, I definitely get it, it's ok.

End of conversation.

Now I've never been someone who's had issues with the way I look. I don't think I'm a super model, I always thought I was pretty average, I've never struggled in the love department, and I've always been pretty confident looks wise. But my exes type is, in a nutshell, pretty girls. Pretty girls who wear nice clothes and make up and get their nails done etc. I'm much more natural. And since the day of that conversation I feel like I've been unmasked. I don't know what I had been seeing in the mirror for the last 34 years but all of a sudden I've become ugly! And I know how trivial this sounds, but my gosh, its knocked me for six! I can't stop looking in the mirror, and I can't stop crying at the face that's looking back at me. Did I always look like this? I feel like I'm only just seeing myself for the first time.

I spent £200 on make up that I didn't need nor could I really afford, because I thought maybe I'll start wearing make up on a daily basis to make me look better (I only wear it if I'm going out out really). So today was the first day, I got up and did my make up for the day, I looked hideous!!! The make up was a waste of money. I dyed my hair for the first time in quite some time (it needed doing about 6 months ago), again it just made me look worse. I don't know what's happened, but I seem to have changed overnight and it's consuming me!

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I just wanted to get it out I guess.

I'm not hearing what you heard, OP. I can see why you felt he was saying you were less attractive, but it's 100% NOT what I hear! (Possibly because I am shallow and married shallow men 😝)

You say, basically, he's all about glossy surfaces. Superficial.
He says who, me?! It can't be true because I really fell for you and you're not superficial.
You go all sad because he said you're not a glossy surface.
He's trying to tell you his usual girlfriends are superficial and you were the real deal.

For some reason you've now decided this means you need a glossy surface. You're bonkers, frankly!

Do you want him back? Is that what all this lunacy's about?

I'm just imagining the letter you'd have written to the agony aunt, back when we all read paper magazines that had problem pages.

Dear Marge,

Please help me, I'm not superficial enough! My ex boyfriend's usual type of girl is all five different shades of contouring, false eyelashes and lip fillers. He says he fell hard for me even though I'm more natural. I've spent a fortune on cosmetics but I just don't have the skills to make myself look like I'm made of plastic.

What should I do?
"Wannabe Fake", Coulsdon

Look I get people are trying to be supportive of the OP but there’s no need to bring other women down in the process; the irony of insinuating other women are fake, shallow, superficial or lacking in substance based purely on a description of their physical appearance actually makes you no better than OP’s ex. There’s no need to bring other people down in order to raise OP up.

Also FYI, you can be “high maintenance”AND intelligent, interesting, have substance to your character / personality etc. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Oh OP I can totally feel why this would have knocked you but as others have said there's a compliment in there. He meant you're not about image, where his last partners were- nothing to do with them being pretty and you not, more I'd take it as the opposite! They were about clothes make up nails, you weren't and in his words he fell for you the hardest. Aka you were the most attractive without all the props the others had.
The whole exchange, you summary of your characters and your response is giving me One Day vibes - were you that couple?!

@GumdropsAndLollipops, I disagree. The £300 a month and two hours a day (plus two hours at the gym) I used to put into my appearance could've been better or more interestingly spent.

You said "no better than OP’s ex". So you think he's "bad" for choosing highly-groomed partners, yet simultaneously that high-level grooming says nothing about a person? Some incongruence there, surely.

Does your dh fit what the perfect guys looks like?

I guess some women may think (random example)Brad Pitt is their type, but their dp's may look nothing like Brad Pitt.

I think anyone would be shocked, surprised and/or upset if their ex said these things. I think you should bring it up again and say, “You know what, I was thinking what you said the other day. I need some R and R. I haven’t had lots of time to focus on myself because I’m running after kids all day long. You have them this weekend because I’m going to a spa retreat. Pick them up Friday night, I won’t be back until Monday.”

Then have an amazing time at a spa retreat alone or with a friend.

Try and forget about it.
Forget the make up, get facials for glowing skin and maybe a better hairdresser? But stay you own natural self.

So you are coming across as obsessed about looks and have a problem because you have decided he is?

He's your ex, you've got to stop giving a shit what he thinks.

I know it's hard but stop having playful-laughing conversations with him. Detach emotionally

This x100.

Don't be so desperate for attention.

Why does he have the power to have such an impact on you? Is your split recent? Do you both have new partners? Don’t spend money to try to feel better- “invest” in not caring so much about what he thinks

You should have just laughed and said "funny, you were not my normal type, I normally go for taller men who perform better". Laughing as you said it.

If he wants to be bloody bitchy, beat him at his own game. His mother said jack shit. He's a lying arsehole, OP.

Ouch, but he possibly meant it in a complimentary way and he obviously found you attractive. Given he's your ex, I'd not overthink it.

You're giving his opinions too much power.

He's your ex. It's nice you get on, but his opinions are just that. You don't need his validation.

But - if he's all about image and usually goes for very 'done' women and you're not one why does this bother you? Being very 'done' is a choice some women make and being more natural is other women's choice. I could never be a 'done' woman as it's just not me, and it would never bother me if a man who was into that wasn't into me. I'm sure most of the men who are attracted to you are attracted to the more natural type and the fact that he made an exception for you means he was genuinely into you. There's nothing wrong with either type of woman is there, we are just different!

This has to be the most one sided representation of a conversation I have read here for a while.

pushing tears back down into my eyeballs because i refuse to let him see hes hurt me

Seriously…

Reminds me of the time a bf told me I was really good in bed. For comparison, he said, really hot girls just lie there because they know they don't have to do anything.

OP, there's a reason guys like these are our exes.

I want my ex's type. I was the exact opposite actually.

He told me he'd never have picked me in a room full of girls his type.

He spent a further 5 years trying to convince me that he didn't have a type anymore and just liked me. But at the same time never wanted to touch me

We split up and he went straight back to his type.

So I understand why it hurts.

So I've read a few of your updates. You were talking about possessions not people. So does that mean that you are a woman who doesn't focus on the brand of watch/clothes she wears? And his usual type is kitted out in designer gear? That's not about what your physical features are like or how pretty you are. That's about image. You are no better or worse.

He is telling you he loved you very much (fell for you the hardest) despite the fact that you aren't into brands and labels. The fact that he can openly tell you that he has fallen for you the hardest out of all women, when he is an ex, shoes that he still cares for you.

I completely get why it stung. But I think ultimately the point he made wasn't unkind.

I don't think he was trying to be unkind to me, I think he was being honest.

We've been split for 3 years, it's not a recent thing, and I no, I do not want to get back with him, he's a much better friend than a boyfriend.

I've never been good at articulating what I mean so perhaps it's getting lost here, it was never a case of being upset because HE isn't attracted to me, I'm upset because since he said it, I don't find myself attractive. My face has seemed to have changed overnight and I'm shocked at how different I feel I look now. The issue here is me, not him.

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words! 😊

But why are you giving the opinion of your ex such weight?

You literally started the conversation by insulting him ("You're all about image" was absolutely an insult), so I'm not sure how you were expecting that conversation to go.

He hasn't said you're ugly or unattractive, and even if he had - he's presumably an ex for a reason, so why do you care?

I'd agree with this.

And he was a lot nicer than I would be to someone who said I was "all about image".