Pathological Demand Avoidance

[Felaku]

Hi a close relative has started seeing a man with this condition. I've never heard of it before and there doesn't seem to be much info on it.

He seems nice enough and I like him but he has a very poor work history and a bit too reliant on his parents. He's still at home at 30ish.

She's quite successful and has her own place.

Now I do not wish to bash or disrespect those suffering with this condition but I can imagine life could get problematic in a relationship if one of the partners has it.

Any experiences to share? It's not serious at the moment but it could get that way.

Yes I completely get your point. I was referring to the young people I taught and my DD but accept that dating someone with a PDA profile would be completely different.

My relative is an outgoing, gregarious and generous person. She loves animals.

See my concern is that someone who is not independent - living with parents at his age AND no job (I guess just living with parents at his age is OK if he worked) would exploit such a person as my relative-not out of malice but necessity.

She has poor self image of her looks and he is a good - looking, charming guy.

She is frankly obsessed by him and does all the chasing. He's half-arsed about her, not willing to 'label' things.

But he can't live with his parents forever. So then whoosh! Cocklodger city.

Is this how people with PDA can typically be in relationships?
They could be good friends etc but exploit partners?

Not to be nasty but self-preservation.

I taught special needs for 40 years so have obviously come across it many times . I actually think it's surprisingly common and one of my ADSs has a mild version of it undiagnosed . Basically you never directly tell them to do anything . So you'd say do you want to wash up or put out the bins ? Do you want to do bath or story time ? It sounds tefious but you just get used to asking in that way - so they still feel in control.

Thanks for replies, I'm sure as a general thread about PDA the insights are invaluable.

I need to ask, though, when it comes to relationships do they seek out someone who is in their view controllable and this might be a major factor for them when considering who to be in a relationship with?

That's a really interesting thread. I don't know the answer to that, but it does sound as though your sister is quite vulnerable. I wonder if it's simply a case of looking at how this man behaves in general, rather than dwelling on the condition that he says he has.
Some will use it as an excuse to behave badly, and others, such as my family member, are very self aware and use a diagnosis as a reason to get help and learn strategies.
I can understand your concern about your sister and this man.
I know two men who I think are unlikely to have diagnoses but in late 50s appear to have asd and some sort of demand avoidance. They are both pleasant and quite fun to be around in short bursts, but both are under achievers by modern standards and live in very cluttered and quite dirty homes. Neither have had romantic relationships that have lasted, and not for some years. They seem happy with their lot, but I can't see anyone wanting to live with them ( and tbf both of them find too much company very draining anyway)
Chances are that even if sister gets into a proper relationship with this man, it won't last so in your shoes I'd relax a little!

I don’t think so.
But I suspect some people sticking around are more vulnerable/people pleaser/ND themselves/trauma/low self esteem/(over?) empath.

They are not abusive men, who seek a victim.
But it takes a certain type of person to accept the ASD quirkiness to be happy to try and make it work.

My own experience is people with autism will relate more easily to people who have similar interests/special interest more than anything else.

The relationship will be hard work. My DS had a friend with PDA and while the chap could be a sweetheart when things were going his way if anything went slightly wrong he would explode and I mean 0 to 100 in seconds. His mum is frightened of him and constantly on eggshells . Without warning one day he just ditched my DS as a friend and turned nasty towards him. It was hard on my DS who is too kind sometimes but understands now that the dynamics of that friendship were not healthy.

Yes. Can’t have PDA without autism, otherwise there’s a similar condition called ODD. Loads of info out there.

https://www.google.com/search?q=pda+or+odd&rlz=1CDGOYI_enGB903GB903&oq=pda+or+odd&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyCQgAEEUYORiABDIICAEQABgWGB4yCAgCEAAYFhgeMg0IAxAAGIYDGIAEGIoFMg0IBBAAGIYDGIAEGIoFMg0IBRAAGIYDGIAEGIoFMgcIBhAhGKAB0gEIMTc3OGowajmoAgCwAgHiAwQYASBf&hl=en-GB&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#vhid=rmW5DNGjn5RYXM&vssid=l

my husabnd meets the profile

imagine being married to somebody who if you ask hem to do something they basically refuse and the more you ask the more you refuse

it got so bad I went int psychosis ad lost everting I worked for

I find this a bit confusing, why is dd ok with being asked to go check the towels but not with cleaning her teeth?

OP I don't think this sounds like a good relationship at all, it sounds like she is quite vulnerable and desperate and he is not really that interested. I doubt though that she'll appreciate you saying anything about her relationship, better probably to encourage her self esteem and let her know you are always there for her.

Because there’s no real expectation that she would check the towels every day, so she doesn’t see this as a demand. There IS an expectation (=demand) that she brushes her teeth every day and she knows and predicts this. So if I ask her a wee random favour while brushing her teeth, this distracts her from the teeth brushing but serves as a reminder that this has to be done.

its just a softer way to land the message. Obviously I don’t ask her to check the towels every day - I have to vary every request / expectation like this.