Pathological Demand Avoidance

[Felaku]

Hi a close relative has started seeing a man with this condition. I've never heard of it before and there doesn't seem to be much info on it.

He seems nice enough and I like him but he has a very poor work history and a bit too reliant on his parents. He's still at home at 30ish.

She's quite successful and has her own place.

Now I do not wish to bash or disrespect those suffering with this condition but I can imagine life could get problematic in a relationship if one of the partners has it.

Any experiences to share? It's not serious at the moment but it could get that way.

Did he tell her he has this condition? Diagnosed by a psychiatrist?

He's told her he has this. Unsure if he's been diagnosed professionally.

It's nothing scary. It's just a variation of ASD, kids can be diagnosed as ASD with a PDA profile. Would you have the same concerns if she was dating someone with autism?

If 'just' autism, maybe there would be other concerns, however, it's the word 'avoidance' that concerns me.

I’d be VERY concerned. I have met people with this who were literally ‘scary’.

I think it could be very challenging in a relationship. Him still living at home in his 30s doesn't bode well for someone being a capable and equally contributing partner and parent.

She might find herself spending a lot of mental energy helping him manage his condition.

It's not his fault he has this, but I'd be wanting to see him taking responsibility for managing his condition, seeking professional support etc. does he have his own way of managing day to day life? Taking the bins out, doing dishes, getting by at work etc.

Why? When you know nothing about it.

It just means their brain responds differently to demands (either requests from other people, or time related demands, or demands they place on themselves). In my experience it's a bit like having panic attacks around certain things, it's anxiety based. It doesn't mean somebody is lazy or scary 🙄

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance#Impact

Howabout - the person I knew with PDA was violent, clever and very manipulative. A frightening combination.

I have a PDA son and no way would I ever date someone with it. My boys father was controlling and abusive and after my sons diagnosis I did winter if ex is PDA to. It's a pathological need to control your surroundings often people due to extreme anxiety. I had a phase my some was controlling my clothes and when I could leave the room/use the toilet. It was massively triggering for me because of how his dad was.

Now my son has low anxiety and is an absolute lovely little boy. But to keep his anxiety level it takes a lot of work. I don't know how he will hold down a job unless he's self employed or the boss. And I worry so so much for any partner he has. I hope to teach him not to control a partner but I worry. But it's controlling how the home is set up struggling with joint decisions etc. Not a future I would want for someone I love

There is a PDA Society website which is really good. Look it up. There are lots of stories from adults with PDA.

Agreed howaboutchocolate
Nothing to be scared off OP. I work with children and young people with PDA profiles and it is almost as if they are programmed to say "no" when anything is asked of them and that is anxiety based. I have become quite adept at rephrasing questions in order to give them autonomy. My daughter also has a PDA profile with her autism so it's a challenge and I'm still working it out.
Granted these are people/children I parent or teach so in terms of a relationship it's completely different. But my point is that there's nothing to fear and there's loads of information online about how PDA presents itself.

If it genuinely is PDA, I think he would be incredibly challenging to date. PDA is thought to be driven by extreme anxiety and people with it avoid demands to an extreme degree (even sometimes avoiding things like brushing their own teeth because it's expected of them). Just imagine what that would be like in a partner day to day life. "Darling, it's your turn to do the washing up / bath the baby ,/ make a cup of tea for us both / do the shopping / put the bins out". They wouldn't do it. Your friend would be nuts to rely on him to do anything . It may of course not actually be PDA and therefore not nearly that bad. I think there's a lot of non clinical diagnosing going on over social media at the moment.

My daughter who has autism has this. It's not scary.
But perhaps in a relationship it could hard work.
Basically it's when they feel overwhelmed by something and struggle to start it.
Can be something simple like putting the washing away, not necessarily big tasks. It's usually linked to anxiety or sensory overload.
PDA society has lots of helpful info . Hopefully the fact he is open about it is a good sign and he will be self aware and have strategies in place to help.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/

Ultimately your relative is an adult so its not really your business unless they ask for your advice or the relationship is harming them in some way.

Wizzbit - do you not think dating someone who says ‘no’ to everything might not exactly be life enhancing?

This is not a recognised medical or psychiatric condition in this country. It blows my mind to think people go around spouting this stuff as soon as you've met them.

They don't say no to everything.

It's a condition that can be managed, like anxiety, depression, OCD etc all of those things can be challenging when someone is burnt out and struggling but most of the time they're absolutely fine and can cope.

It's like saying oh don't date anyone who has depression, they'll be in bed all the time and miserable.

My daughter has pda and I honestly don't think i could be with someone with the same profile.
She has to control everything and I don't think it would make for a long loving relationship 🤷‍♀️
Ps love my daughter to bits but she is extremely hard work

I'm really angry with tbe offensive, blanket dismissal of an entire section of society who have a particular profile of autism!
Can life be challenging for a person with PDA? Absolutely it can! Does that make them all "scary" and should to be barred from the possibility of a loving relationship. No it fucking well doesn't!

I must go and tell my(PDA) daughter's fiance to take his ring back...

FFS people, take a moment to think about what you are writing and consider that as its a spectrum disorder, and all people are individuals, there are allsoets of people with PDA. And most of the ones I know are awesome.

Just stop @Sandyankles
You are talking bollocks

It's very hard work. Constant tiptoeing to make sure things are phrased correctly. Requires a lot of patience. Hard for somebody with these tendencies to hold down a job. But not scary, in my experience.

It was first identified in this country!
It is widely recognised profile of autism not a separate diagnosis

I'd be expecting the relationship to be fairly hard work unfortunately

That's one person.
Perfectly reasonable to discuss one person, but to use that to write off every other individual is not reasonable

Perfectly sensible statement, if a little sarcastic.

Vera - I have first hand experience. The person I knew was violent and exceptionally challenging. I have NOT said all people with PDA are ‘scary’ but some are. It may be difficult to hear but sadly the traits of PDA aren’t ideal in a life partner. It isn’t wrong to acknowledge that.