Am I naive/Aibu or is this the ick?

[IsthistheIck]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, 2 DCs, 6 and 2. He’s never loved the early years and definitely has more of a bond with the DCs as they get older. He’s much closer with 6 than he is with 2, for example, but she is very much still in her mummy all the time phase.

Recently DH has been complaining about some of the early years things, for example we went to a splash pad whilst on holiday, he said he’d rather not be there, he’d rather be at home reading a book. Or he’s rather be at a museum than at the zoo. That sort of thing.

its really getting to me, and I feel a bit angry with him. He wanted to have children (didn’t pressure me, I wanted them too,) but I’m a bit tired of him playing the martyr when we go to the children’s farm instead of an art museum. (We go to those too). He’s not a snob generally and we’re not posh people so I don’t know exactly what’s going on.

We’ve never had many rows but this bit is really getting to me. Do other partners do this? AIBU to be annoyed? Am I getting the ick? I would also love a day to lounge in bed and read a book but we chose to have two children so I think we owe it to them to have some days out with child-centred activities and no moaning from the adults!

He’s just being honest and by next summer your little one will be 3 and things gradually get more interesting.

Sounds like he is just verbalizing what you are thinking. Days out at petting farms etc are dull, he isn't wrong.

I found pretty much all kid related stuff a chore. Of course I did it and hopefully they never noticed, but I have to say I'm much happier now they're in their 20s! As long as he's doing his fair share and not being sulky about it I think how he feels is pretty normal.

Tell him this what you wrote:

I would also love a day to lounge in bed and read a book but we chose to have two children so I think we owe it to them to have some days out with child-centred activities and no moaning from the adults!

Would you rather your DH lied to you and masked how he was feeling? He loves the DC, he just doesn’t love the early years like you say.

Fair enough, I reckon iambu, that is why I asked here before tearing into DH! He is a lovely dad and husband I guess it was just grating on me that I planned the days out and he was so grumbly.

Well I tend to agree with him to be fair. My kids are now 11 and 13 and we get to do actual enjoyable things now. When they were small, playgrounds, the swimming pool (urgh), soft play etc were kind of boring but they enjoyed them and you know it isn’t forever.
I remember my husband (who adores our kids and is very good with them) after one weekend of hard work and early mornings saying “I’m actually looking forward to going to work on Monday for a rest” and I could see where he was coming from!

I mean, he has a point. Most adults don't really want to spend their free time at petting zoos and splash pads

As long as he grins and bears it, I really can't see an issue. When I was younger, my parents would often tag team so they didn't both have to go to kid friendly stuff all day long - which confused me a bit as a child but makes absolutely perfect sense now!

Of course we did spend time as a family too.

Oh I really miss those days . Picnics in the park .Bucket and spade holidays . Bedtime stories. He can visit museums and read as many books as he likes when he is retired and the kids have long since flown the nest. It would put me off him to be honest as he doesn’t appreciate what he has.

I seem to be the outlier here but I'd much rather be at the zoo than a museum 😂

This would really bother me because what it says is that he doesn't enjoy spending time with his children. I wouldn't on my own choose to go to a petting zoo, but if I went with my children when they were young I absolutely loved it because I loved seeing their curiosity and how much they got out of it. His reaction says to me that he's making it all about himself and his feelings and that would totally give me the ick.

Is he a selfish person in other ways?

Most adults find those kind of things a bit boring, but is there any point moaning about it? Just get on with it

I meant is there any point in your dh moaning about it?

Yes , he has a point. But you do enjoy these days out because watching your kids have fun is what it's all about. The grumpy behaviour would bother me , and mustn't be overheard or seen by the children.

That would really get on my tits. Yes, it’s all a bit boring, but this is life with small children, so suck it up. I’d resent the implication that he’s the one being put upon, when actually, you’re not arranging this stuff because it’s your ideal day out - it’s for the benefit of the kids, who are as much his as yours.

You're not being unreasonable to feel it, no. Feelings aren't meant to fit into reasonable or unreasonable. They just 'are'.
His feeling, therefore, isn't unreasonable either. If you don't want him to voice his feelings, and you don't respect your own, could you look into why that is? There's nothing unusual about committing to something and not loving every moment, is there? You know, I'm so glad my parents are here for dinner, but I wish there wasn't all this washing up, that sort of thing?

Is there a deeper feeling, for you, that he's not as engaged with parenting as you would have hoped?

Sharing his feelings with a view to having an honest and understanding relationship?

He’s just saying what you are also feeling OP.

I guess it depends, is he expecting to stay at home whilst you go out and do all the ‘boring’ stuff? In that case he is being bloody unreasonable and just needs to suck it up. Or is he just expressing frustration but getting on with things? In that case no one is being unreasonable, really, he is just moaning and you are just tired of the moaning.

Every week there's a MN thread about posters hating holidays with young dc, how trips out with the dc are dull and that they refuse to take their dc to certain attractions, so he is just expressing how many parents feel.

I'm very lucky that DH and I enjoy days out with the dc but it would be much less enjoyable if I felt that he was only there out of obligation. But many couples do split the task and take turns doing trips out so the other parent can be child-free for the day.

If he has a face on and is grumpy that would massively piss me off. Like dragging a recalcitrant teenager around, no thanks.

if he’s trying to make the best of it but grumbling quietly to you that’s not so bad.

but if it gives you the ick then it gives you the ick, thats a personal thing!

Of course there is - what's the point in being married if you can't have a good, cathartic whinge occasionally?

So would I, but preferably not with children in tow 😂

There's a difference between saying 'Won't it be great when we can take the dc to some more grown-up, cultural things?!' and moaning that he'd rather be at home with a book, especially if this kind of moaning is frequent. He wanted children. What did he expect? I hope he's not expecting you to say 'It's ok darling - you stay at home and read. I'll take the children to the splash park, because I'm a mummy, so I automatically love all children's activities'.

Hmmm more detail needed.

Is he grumpy and refuses to parcicipate on days out or is he just verbalising how most parents feel?

I would much rather go to a coffee shop and read a book than spend 2 hours in the local soft play - this is a passing comment I might make to my partner, but I wouldn't spend the next 2 hours miserable. And I wouldn't keep repeating it either, as it's stating the bloody obvious!