Am I naive/Aibu or is this the ick?

[IsthistheIck]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, 2 DCs, 6 and 2. He’s never loved the early years and definitely has more of a bond with the DCs as they get older. He’s much closer with 6 than he is with 2, for example, but she is very much still in her mummy all the time phase.

Recently DH has been complaining about some of the early years things, for example we went to a splash pad whilst on holiday, he said he’d rather not be there, he’d rather be at home reading a book. Or he’s rather be at a museum than at the zoo. That sort of thing.

its really getting to me, and I feel a bit angry with him. He wanted to have children (didn’t pressure me, I wanted them too,) but I’m a bit tired of him playing the martyr when we go to the children’s farm instead of an art museum. (We go to those too). He’s not a snob generally and we’re not posh people so I don’t know exactly what’s going on.

We’ve never had many rows but this bit is really getting to me. Do other partners do this? AIBU to be annoyed? Am I getting the ick? I would also love a day to lounge in bed and read a book but we chose to have two children so I think we owe it to them to have some days out with child-centred activities and no moaning from the adults!

What did he expect

Empathy, probably.

Being grumpy and ruining your day not on.

Tell him that when he's divorced and 50/50 he will have to do the farms alone on his weekends...

Otherwise, maybe you can work out some downtime between you. One day or half a weekend where you can lounge around and the other takes the kids out for a decent length of time. Everyone needs downtime, you included.

Those saying he's just saying what OP is thinking are missing the point. It's rude and puts a massive downer on the family day out to have one of the adults whinging. I would point out the obvious to him OP - this is a family day out stop moaning and get involved.

I think this happens a lot. The woman books the activity for the children because the man never thinks to do things like that. Then the man blames the woman for having to go out somewhere which suits his children instead of him.

Nothing more icky than a whining man child. He needs to shut up and get on with it. It's the price we pay for having children. What did he expect?

It's not compulsory to do soft play and petting zoos etc.

Maybe there is something that the 2 year old likes to do that he prefers more?

Personally I hated soft play so we really didn't go much, but I was always up for a day at the park (them tearing around playing while I read my book)

Nah that's not on. He needs to suck it up, it's not forever and you are giving your kids a great childhood by going to these places.

He can read a book when the kids are older or sleeping at night.

Yanbu

It doesn’t have to be all child centric entertainment, what about National Trust days out, museums etc, children are interested in what you are happy to do.

It depends on whether it's a passing comment or he's miserable the entire trip, which I don't think OP has elaborated.

If it's the former then it's quite a normal way for parents of small children to feel but if it's bothering OP then she can probably nip it in the bud with a retort back. If it's the latter then this would really grind my gears as it presumably puts a downer on most weekends.

Does he think that you love the kid centred activities? Does he think he's alone in finding this stuff less than scintillating? Does he get any joy from seeing his kids having a whale of a time?

I guess it was just grating on me that I planned the days out and he was so grumbly.
Get him to plan them instead unless that would mean no days out at all, which is a completely different relationship problem. Can you compromise and get him to plan family days out for some of the time and if his choices don't entertain the children then let him handle their frustrations (you do the minimum of soothing and distracting). He will soon agree the petting zoo is the best thing ever or you will find out the children actually like different things.

A lot of life is what you make of it (obviously not if you come down with a horrible, debilitating disease or something like that). Yes, I would find it to be irritating and depressing to have my partner constantly miserable about things which should be nice, yanbu imo.

If he doesn't like petting zoos, would he rather do art and craft projects with them at home? Or football club? Or cooking? Or to the beach? The cinema? There are literally so many things to do with children, and as the adult, you can choose. If he really doesn't enjoy ANY family-friendly activities, he sounds like he needs an attitude adjustment because he's just in a negative mindset.

And to answer your question, no, my partner would never whinge on about spending time with our children. He's alwsys positive and engaged, and enjoys them and the time they have together - teaching them things, and watching them enjoy themselves. He has to work six days a week or else we wouldn't have a roof over our heads, and I know he wishes he could do more with us. If he was grumpy all the time, I'd tell him to do one, and go out with other family members or friends so me and the children could enjoy ourselves and not feel like a burden!

Yet when a woman posts on here complaining because they're at soft play or whatever yet again, she gets guaranteed sympathy 🤷‍♀️

I don't buy this "you chose to be a parent, what did you expect?" nonsense - it's not like you can do a trial run beforehand 😂

but if it gives you the ick then it gives you the ick, thats a personal thing!

Over a long marriage there will be phases and sometimes you have to ride the negative times, rather than giving in to the "ick' (which I think is an immature phrase).

I'm agreeing with most people, he's allowed to express how he feels and it signals he wishing to reclaim some of his own enjoyment, such as museum visits. You have to balance life and it can't always be about the children. Regularly women post about sending DC to childcare whilst they chill at home or do something to refill their "cup" which allows them to be good parents

Op, do you both get some adult time to chill?

I don't disagree with him, I find nothing more mind numbingly boring than going to the park, splash pads etc. But I think it's unreasonable to be obviously grumpy about it, particularly if the children can pick up on that. It sends a rubbish message to them and sometimes you just have to suck it up and do things that the children will enjoy even if you'd rather be doing something else.

What has helped DH and I is the divide and conquer approach so sometimes I take DD1 and he takes DD2 and we do things separately. It's nice to have some one to one time with them anyway. Or he takes them bike riding at the park and I take them to friends' birthday parties or soft play and then we each get a bit of free adult time too. Obviously we do plenty as a family all together too but it does help mix things up a bit.

What has helped DH and I is the divide and conquer approach so sometimes I take DD1 and he takes DD2 and we do things separately.

@GameOfJones this is great advice and something I keep forgetting is an option, even though it's really obvious when you think about it.

It's easily to fall into the habit of thinking you have to so everything together, which means you only get a break in the evening (if you're lucky).

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. His complaining sounds like a request for you to do the boring bits of parenting so he can have more time.

Tbh I thought he sounded like a bit of a dick from the point you said he doesn't have much of a bond with his younger dc, as if it's normal to pick and choose what age you will love and support your dc. Love shouldn't be conditional.

I'd say he needs more 1:1 time to bond with his youngest.

I love a petting farm. And I don't even have kids 😂

Does he accompany you, tho? I mean, if he’s whinging, it’s tempting to leave him at home but I definitely wouldn’t be happy with that. It’s what having kids is all about, you have to do stuff you wouldn’t dream of as an adult. It’s just tough and not forever.

YANBU.
Like you, I do all the organising, days out, weekends away, holidays... and if DH moans about things too much it pisses me off. All he has to do is turn up and make the best of it and if he won't even do that, it's not fair. I think the least they can do is show some appreciation for the fact that we're trying to organise things for the family and make an effort to be positive or at least neutral.
DH and I do both have a moan sometimes about the kids' behaviour, and we often say we wish we could have a child-free day or holiday. But that's both of us saying it and not when we're actually doing an activity for the kids that I've organised and he's grumpy about.
I see this is a minority view though, the handmaidens seem to expect us to put up and shut up, no moaning about his behaviour, while he can moan as much as he likes!

Part of the joy of having little ones is seeing their wonder at discovering the world around them and seeing their enjoyment of simple things like splashing about in water etc. I feel sad for your DH that he doesn't enjoy days out with your DC - it's a shame he can't throw himself into it and try and see the world through their eyes!

It depends what he is expecting to happen after his moan.

If it’s just a ‘oh yay. It can be a bit tedious can’t it?’ and then move on, fair enough. We all need to air feelings some times.
If he then expects you to let him off to go and read, that’s a big fat NO.
If what he actually means (but struggles to verbalise) is ‘I need a break. Shall we get organised so we both have time off away from the dcs’, then fair enough it’s a discussion to have.
If it’s constant moaning, playing the victim/martyr, then again, big fat NO. Just grow up. Same if it’s because he doesn’t enjoy the youngest activities and want to unload them onto you.

@IsthistheIck you’ll know where he falls.
The fact you are starting to wonder if you aren’t ‘getting the ick’ is telling me it’s something that happens often rather than a throw away comment.
I suspect you can also feel he’d like to unburden himself from said activities wo a second thought about you/you having to step up for him.

I have to say, whilst it’s fair enough to play on each other strength, I dont think that, when it comes to children , you can go down the route of ‘I deal with the oldest because I enjoy it better whilst you always deal with the youngest because I dint like that’
I think it’s unfair to the children who then dont get the opportunity to spend time with both parents. It’s also unfair to the parent who ends up doing all the tedious stuff (if you find that tedious too)

This is hardly the whole story. Large parts of raising a child involve not having time to do things you love because you are ferrying them about doing things that they love. You can't be expected to enjoy everything, or never be too tired to enjoy something.

Is he just someone who likes having a bit of a moan and doesn’t particularly think that it’s a bit draining for you?

Im totally on your side as I’m definitely a “put your game face on” person and find it really hard if someone else is complaining. I also tend to take responsibility for everyone else’s feelings and it sounds like you’re doing that with him on these outings?

I wonder what he’d do if you said “ugh, totally agree, I’d actually love to be sat with a glass of wine and my book! Maybe in a hot tub or on an amazing beach…!”. It sounds like he has sort of taken on the role of grumpy teen and you’ve taken on the role of relentlessly cheerful parent so anything that shifts that dynamic might help.

It might be worth just saying, at a time when you’re not in the thick of an outing, something like “when you’re saying you’d rather not be on an outing, i do end up feeling a bit down as I’ve done the planning and I’m trying to keep my game face on for the kids. Are you just wanting a moment to have a moan and would like some solidarity or is it something else?”.

As a mother, I’ve always found the younger years really hard work
Teenagers were amazing to me!!

It’s great you are finding those times amazing. But Not everyone does and that’s ok too.

What isn’t ok is to make a big song and dance about it. Or to not put his big boy’s pants and get on with it.
As parents , that’s what we do. It’s impossible to be happy and enjoying every single part of childhood and teenage hood. But we still show up.

@IsthistheIck I would also love a day to lounge in bed and read a book but we chose to have two children

So you don't ever have a lazy day? If so then I'm not surprised he's moaning. Everybody needs a lazy day here & there. I personally think it's important for kids of any age to have occasional time away from a schedule and chance to just relax. Do whatever they want around the house. They need to unwind too.