Am I naive/Aibu or is this the ick?

[IsthistheIck]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, 2 DCs, 6 and 2. He’s never loved the early years and definitely has more of a bond with the DCs as they get older. He’s much closer with 6 than he is with 2, for example, but she is very much still in her mummy all the time phase.

Recently DH has been complaining about some of the early years things, for example we went to a splash pad whilst on holiday, he said he’d rather not be there, he’d rather be at home reading a book. Or he’s rather be at a museum than at the zoo. That sort of thing.

its really getting to me, and I feel a bit angry with him. He wanted to have children (didn’t pressure me, I wanted them too,) but I’m a bit tired of him playing the martyr when we go to the children’s farm instead of an art museum. (We go to those too). He’s not a snob generally and we’re not posh people so I don’t know exactly what’s going on.

We’ve never had many rows but this bit is really getting to me. Do other partners do this? AIBU to be annoyed? Am I getting the ick? I would also love a day to lounge in bed and read a book but we chose to have two children so I think we owe it to them to have some days out with child-centred activities and no moaning from the adults!

I loved those early years best. The joy of teaching about the world and how things work. How to do and make things. What the animals in their books really looked like. But we went to museums as well. The 1 year old onwards fascinated by dinosaurs loved seeing skeletons and reconstructions showing size. Dinosaur exhibitions, too. He was fascinated by ancient Egypt sections , natural history and costumes and weapons. He wasn’t so keen on Sandy beaches but loved playing in rock pools, looking at sea anemones, limpets, wee shrimp and hermit crabs etc. Sea life centres are not just for children. For us, things like the Falkirk wheel , looking for fossils in known areas, castles, boat trips , fishing all of which adults do enjoy too. I have never understood why any parent doesn’t take as much of this as they can get , even before they can walk, the lap up everything, not just soft play etc We adults also learn while teaching them. When they start school, they change. Outside influences arent always beneficial. Pre school goes by so quickly and you can’t get it back. Before long they don’t want mum and dad so much as their pals and gfs / bfs
Then there are too many ‘lazy days’ . Never needed ‘lazy days’ when the children were so much more fun. Pity the father for not appreciating what he has.

Well yes that's true, you have to try and find some balance so that you still have some time to do the things you love as well. But when you have children, you know that they are dependent on you and your own needs have to take a back seat to theirs when they are very small. So you have a choice - take them to the beach/zoo/splash park etc and throw yourself into playing with them and enjoying their company or spend your time resenting that you're not at the museum/at home reading a book in peace or whatever. Surely it's better to try and enjoy life than to spend it moaning and being resentful!

I drove with DH past a play centre we used to frequent recently and I said 'thank fuck I'll never set foot in one of those again' and we laughed. The day has finally come and you'll get there too.

Child centred stuff is painful but necessary, he just needs to moan once then suck it up and slap a smile on his face and pretent to give a shit about giraffes or whatever. I think YANBU to think he needs to behave more enthusiastically in front of the kids and understand you may feel the same. He is not BU to feel how he does.

It would definitely give me the ick. How sad that he wishes away any time of your little ones lives. They should all be appreciated and have their place in memories to look back on. I really wouldn't put up with such selfish nonsense. Tell him to STFU 😂

Im with your husband nothing worse than play stuff its boring.
Its like going to a beach you want to chill have a relaxing time etc but with young kids you got to have eyes in the back of your head.
My sons in his 20s thank god and i enjoy my time doing what i want now.

Absolutely this. I enjoy doing those things as I love my children and enjoy sharing their new experiences and watching their faces light up. Their happiness should be our happiness if we are caring parents surely, he’s selfish.

YANBU, OP. If you behaved the same as your DP, you'd both be moaning about the life you chose. What does that achieve except to bring the family mood down.

He sounds like he's actually behaving really childishly by not accepting the consequences of his choices and getting on with it. That puts you in the role of mother to three, which is bound to give you the ick.

When you are at these places with DC is he involved or does he hang back?
In the early days, if we all went out together my DH would always default to letting me take the lead, he would kind of hang back and although he was physically there he wasn't really present. We discussed this and he admitted he found these places boring and hated the crowds/noise etc. Things were actually better when he took them on his own, he had to be present as default parent wasn't there. They would come home and be so hyped up that they'd all had a great time, I also think that was crucial in terms of them all bonding.
We changed a lot of our trips over the years after realising our daughter was ND, we tended to go to less busy places like the beach or the forest, this was where DH came into his own. He would spend hours in the sea with them, building sandcastles or building dens in the forest, taught them how to cook on camping stoves etc.. It was fantastic for me as he would organise the whole trip and take over meaning I could relax. Childrens attracttions aren't for everyone. At least he's being honest.
Perhaps try finding some other activities that he is more interested in and let him go on his own a few times to help build his confidence and his bond with DC

Children can enjoy the things you love, like museums. You can read when they’re in bed. We are supposed to love being with and raising our children. Not trying to palm them off on someone else so we don’t have to be bothered and they don’t interfere with the lives we had before they came along, as a lot of parents seem to do these days. Good on the OP for taking hers about and shame on the father for not being a proper father. It’s only a temporary situation as they grow so quickly and if he isn’t prepared to put into the parenting without moaning and being resentful, he should not have produced children in the first place. Always look on the bright side..he has children and he should enjoy raising happy, social, educated future members of society because if he makes them feel he resents them…well..they’ll choose his nursing home one day

A good compromise is National Trust membership - you do a bit of the house and a lot of the grounds at that age.
But before you know it you'll be windsurfing or whale watching, cliff climbing or kayaking with the kids, and then you'll be wandering round the museums just the 2 of you.

Thank you for the further replies. To clarify, DH doesn’t moan if we’re at a museum, its particular places he finds dull. He does do loads with the kids and they adore him, he’s brilliant with Lego and way more patient that I am with tantrums. But sometimes if it’s the zoo or the children’s farm or a carnival he’s just SO bored and it’s a bit annoying. It’s not endless whinging but still makes my eyes roll.

i reckon it’s also especially irritating for me as I grew up quite deprived so planning these days and taking the children out means a lot to me.

since initially posted we’ve had a chat and he’s apologised, he agreed it’s a bit daft to moan like that in front of the children.

The early years ARE boring though!! Yes, we have to make it fun for our toddlers but Christ, it's dull! Anyone would prefer to be anywhere else BUT the sodding petting zoo or soft play 😵‍💫

I'm Team DH on this one OP, sorry 🤷‍♀️

That’s good @IsthistheIck

I have to say I also like the idea of letting him go on his own, esp as he seems to be hands on and not actually useless iyswim.
I've found that when you need to be all hands on the deck, the boring aspect just disappears 😉😉

Also it might be worth reminding your dh that his dcs might well develop a taste for things he doesn’t like or enjoy. He should well start learning to still encourage them, enjoy their pleasure at doing that activity and be present and supportive.

im thinking spending hours at the sides a football pitch or on the side of a swimming pool….. (very personal experience there. But they are many others!)
There are many many times where, as a parent, you end up doing something boring for you for the sake of your child. And commenting on how boring it is in front of them or making an disparaging comment is simply not on.
He can’t be the good parent only when he enjoys it.

You and others might be but not anyone. Lots of us wish we could have those years back because it gets more boring later, or at least has unpleasant elements, like standing on the side of a rugby pitch every cold wet winter weekend , shouting encouragement to the weans and instructions to the ref 🤣 Spending hours kicking a football and being goalkeeper for practice penalties. Driving them hundreds of miles to scout camp and then repeating the drive to collect them, hoping there’s something of interest to stop at on the way back to break the journey. At least when they’re toddlers , we can join in their playtimes, in sandpits, water play, making zoos with their toy animals and then having dinosaurs attacking, or dragons and find entertainment in their antics at soft play in the warm and dry. We also had a lot of laughs in the park, looking for tigers, gorillas, dragons or dinosaurs in the shrubberies or while driving through forests, pretending we’re being attacked by blue eyed white dragons and calling our red eyed black dragons to save us. Toddlers have so much imagination. And then they’re teens, too cool to talk to us, much less spend time.
I think it’s sad to find your children boring

Yes I also enjoy the early years, I love seeing them wake to the world and getting to do so many little fun things with them. We have nieces and nephews who are a bit older (10-14) and they’re all so independent and bored by all of the adults! They’d rather be on TikTok and their phones.

Yes, but you suck it up and get on with being a parent instead of being a miserable arse with your partner, because being grumpy like that spoils the day anyway.

It’s not just about making it fun. It’s learning through play and sometimes just learning. From the day they can take an interest , it’s our job as parents to teach them about the world, how to deal with it, how to do the things they’ll need to do to be independent and give them the means for their brains to create the pathways for dexterity and become strong and agile.

We are not born just to serve ourselves. We are born with the instinct to procreate , to continue the species, like every other living thing, and with that comes responsibility. Just as the tiger devotes its time to teaching its cubs, the bear, the cat, the dolphin. They don’t sit and cry about wanting to be elsewhere. They have a job to do as soon as they give birth. Something we have a choice in, unlike them. So if you choose to produce children, it’s your duty to give them 100% gladly and not wish to escape. Petting zoos and soft play are optional . Humans managed without both for millennia. My first two got neither. We didn’t have them anyway. Find an acceptable alternative

It sounds like you want him to enthusiastically embrace them rather than put up with them. I'm guessing if you were a bit sympathetic about how unappealing to him they are (they are to me too, so easy for me to say) he would be more gracious about it.

young children at an art museum would be an interesting experience!

Exactly this! So many posters are missing the point.

We all get fed up doing the little kid stuff all the time. But it's his whining and shitty behaviour that's the problem. As if OP is loving being at the splash pad instead of peacefully reading a book with a cocktail.

"I've done a nice day for the children, look how they are enjoying themselves"...."But what about me? The important man"

She arranges everything because he'd plan nothing for them if it was down to him. Then bitches at her at what a crap time it is, like he's doing her a favour with his presence. It's for your children, you fool!

He's fucking selfish and ignorant. This was a big part of me leaving my partner. If it wasn't all about him, he whined and thought he was some kind of super dad by gracing us with his presence at the kids stuff when he could be indulging his own preferences.

@StopInhalingRevels

Your post doesn't seem relevant to lots of details about OP's situation. OP has stated that she does enjoy it. She has stated that he takes his share of responsibility. You're referring to 'shitty behaviour' but he's only made a few comments about a few activities. She's pretty clear that they usually get on and this is just a few remarks, so categorising him as 'selfish and ignorant' isn't accurate.

Are you still angry at your ex?!

Nope.

Just have a higher bar than to accept this sort of thing.

Yes, good. But that wasn't the same 'sort of thing' OP was talking about @StopInhalingRevels !

In your opinion.

I see very clear similarities that others possibly don't, who haven't been in that situation.

Mine started just like hers.

My DH was like this about zoo trips etc. He didn't want to do museums he just wanted to sit around all day and I think he thought the DC were entertaining themselves but it was in fact me dealing with everything while he lounged around doom scrolling.

So I got a zoo pass for 3 of us without him and now I just pack the kids off and go out for the day. I leave him a list of house jobs that need to be done. He now complains that he's left out and the DC moan at him for being lazy and not coming out with us. So now he has started coming on trips voluntarily and it got us out of me being the person having to cajole him. It also got the house cleaner!