Is junior footy this brutal everywhere? :(

[Jfcsucks]

DS 12 been in a junior footy club for 2 years.

Started off so well, then I dunno what went wrong, the others seems to progress v. quickly and he's stalled and he gets way less time on the pitch now, like a token 5 mins every other game if that 😔

Last weekend there was a tournament, just a friendly thing pitched as a fun day out, all day. Cost £20 to enter, 20 mins a game from 10am - 5pm. Think they had 10 games lined up. He got a total of 5 minutes play first game out of 4 other subs who were all swapped on/off while he sat there.

He came home and was curled up in a ball watching football technique videos all night hardly saying a word. He didn't eat. He was so low.

This feels like the straw/camel to me and I'm starting to hope he just Jack's it in because I can see its really upsetting him. He loves footy, the others are better, but he has his strengths and I feel coach is just focusing on the better ones and not helping DS improve by giving him opportunities.

I genuinely thought it was just a bit of fun? I've heard from other mums their JFC coach always makes sure even the mediocre ones get to play, part of the team, considering the parents pay subs etc. etc, but our coach seems to think he's Alex Ferguson and it's the prem, not a bunch of young children.

Is it this brutal? What do I do? No chance of finding another club now. And he has made some lovely friendships. He wouldn't want to leave but I'm wondering if he should for his mental health, I can see it's really getting him down 😔 or does he carry on just to join in with the training etc?

The FA code of conduct for youth teams explicitly say that the coach has to put the enjoyment of EACH player above winning. This cut throat environment of football for 12 year olds is bloody ridiculous and has been the same since my family were heavily involved in it when I was a child (Now 40 YO DB was an exceptional player).

I think the fact there is so much money involved in football if you ‘make it’ makes some parents loopy. They are seeing £££ already when they should be thinking “Is Timmy enjoying this?” Not all children develop at the same rate physically either. By not allowing a smaller/slower child to play, you may be putting them off competitive sport for life when, in fact, puberty may mean they suddenly catch up.

My children will not be touching football with a barge pole if I can help it. Toxic.

He does do another sport, boxing, he did it a few years ago and was VERY good and has started again recently at our local gym. But it worries me a bit. I had to watch the videos of him sparring through my fingers. Never got hit though tbf

I like the idea of karate!! I'll definitely look into that I think he'd be very good, he moves like a bullet.

Is a shame, he seems to be very good at most sports he's tried, except this level of football

To echo a PP, if he's fast on the pitch and has stamina, athletics is a good option. Get him to watch some Olympics for inspiration!

Yep. Get him down to the track (or cross country) as track season finishing soon.

I hate youth football with a passion!

If he's 12 and in Yr7 (rather than being a very late July or August born Yr8) now is the perfect time to find a new club as they'll be changing from 9 a side to 11 - side for the new season so it's a time when some clubs don't have enough players and are definitely looking for more and others have too many for one team but not enough for two so others will be reading the writing on the wall and looking to move. The end result will be that a lot of teams will have a different make up next season so your son won't be the new boy. When looking at clubs, don't just look at location and training times but also at what division of the local league they play in compared to your son's team as you can then target clubs a league or so (or even just at the bottom of the current division if your son's team is at the top) and then he might be more of an average figure.
Both of my DC have had experience of being the star of the team, a weaker (or even the weakest) member of the team and middling. They both prefer being middling. Real opportunities to learn and grow, chances to play better than you usually do and have it appreciated and not much grief (and only in a friendly way) if you make a mistake.

I moved my ds for similar reasons, it worked out really well. He's so much happier, loves his new team and they value him.

Now is the perfect time to move.

This happened to my son and he's only 6! I naively thought it was all just a bit of fun but it's brutal. There were announcements made on social media about who the teams were before any communication was given to the parents and kids who hadn't made the cut. These kids are then doing extra training and tournaments while the other kids don't get a look in. You can still pay to train but I found the whole thing just horrible and felt so bad for my son who lives and breathes football. Luckily he is at an age where he hadn't actually realised what was happening.

They have since added another coach and he's now on a team, the coach seems brilliant so far and sent a message to parents first about who had made the team before anything went on social media. He's message my dh directly and told him he's shocked our son hadn't been selected already and sees so much potential in him.

It's all left a bitter taste if I'm honest but my son is so excited now so we're just going to see how things go but it's really opened my eyes just how tough this all is, even at just 6 years old.

I hope your son is ok.

Hi OP, since you said he’s rapid what about trying out athletics? Obviously it isn’t football but it may be nice for him to try something new - perhaps make new friends and it’s an individual/team sport! My son started off with football (still plays occasionally) but since starting athletics he absolutely adores it. It’s also a much less “crowded” sport if you get me!

Thank you everyone. Very reassuring to see I'm not being a complete melt.

I'll speak to coach, and also about moving as sure coach will know of any opportunities.

I've really had my eyes opened I honestly thought kids footy was primarily about fun and camaraderie. I was a bit shocked a few times at how shouty and aggressive the coach can be!

I've been thinking I need to get fitter so might ask him if he fancies showing me up and go for runs together too so I can try and nurture that part of him to see if it does spark off wanting to do other athletic type things.

I agree with PPs saying try something new. I’d also get some 1 to 1 coaching if you have the funds as he’d probably really enjoy it. My DS played, still plays, rugby. Tbh if he’s really fast, a rugby team would love him running down the wing! I’d definitely look at that too.

2 rugby suggestions....interesting....his school has rugby on their after school clubs!

Find him another team. It sounds like he has the passion and determination and will thrive under the right circumstances! What area do you live? There are some great Facebook groups for teams and plenty are looking for players at the moment.

I agree that rugby is hugely more inclusive. I think because rugby has different roles on the pitch there's literally a place for everyone. Grassroots football is shockingly brutal and some clubs are focused solely on results.

Maybe try something else? Swimming/Running Rugby even .It does sound like something is amiss here .If hes not enjoying it it seems pointless TBH ,Maybe hes already peaked

Sounds like he's just at the wrong level. I've watched very good players choose to drop down to division 2 and 3 over the years because they take it so seriously at div 1 it's not fun for the boys, and lots of them just enjoy playing and don't want to be screamed at by coaches and parents who think their kids are going to be the next Ronaldo. If he likes football I'd look for another team.

Also in our experience when my DS was young, to my nephews who are primary school age now, its always brutal! From Dads getting overly involved to other boys .the whole ethos is a lot less "friendly" than you think!

Judo, karate, climbing, triathlon lots of other activities out there. Football sounds horrendous, have a few friends whose kids do it. It sounds like it's not healthy for him

Clubs vary massively in their ethos, and then within clubs, the teams will vary even more. It’s just down to the values of the manager and coaches.

My ds tried 2 different teams. The first one was mental, so half the team left and set up a break away team within the same club. Meant to be inclusive, fun etc. Then they started winning a few matches and lo and behold, it became even more crazy than the first team.

Manager and coaches are volunteers, they invest so much time into their teams and it’s just so hard for them to detach themselves from dreams of glory.

My advice is two-fold.

Firstly, Investigate other ways your ds can play football. It’s harder by age 12, but it will exist. Look for non-Sunday league football. Or find which league is local to you and see which teams are in the development league (eg the lowest). There is inclusive football out there, it will just take a bit of time to find it. And don’t worry about it being too late to find a new team. Basically, get him into non-Sunday League football, or playing at the lowest level for the most inclusive club if he is in SL.

Secondly, explore other sports with him. With any luck, he’ll find something and the football will just drop off naturally.

Just an aside, does he ever go to watch professional football? It might be worth getting him to a match occasionally. Football can be so important to identify for boys at that age. But that doesn’t just mean he has to be playing it, getting to watch matches can be another way for him to scratch his football itch.

I would not encourage rugby for all the money in the world. I just don’t think it’s safe enough.

I had similar issues with my DS at that age as the sports he wanted to be involved with became more competitive and less focussed on just joining in.

He was athletic, fast and had incredible stamina (still does!) but unfortunately didn’t have coordination under pressure.

It was very hard for him feeling like he was behind held back and sidelined as the other kids progressed and got the game time and team status (and the glory), but he simply wasn’t as skilled as them in the match environment. As he got older he began to understand this, which really helped.

So we found some found sports that he could do well that made him feel really good about himself. More individual-based. Less visible I guess (climbing and athletics don’t get the front page like football does!) but he could feel that he was doing well, progressing every session and being encouraged and praised by instructors.

Easier said than done maybe, but definitely the best thing for my son.

If he's that fast would you consider athletics? My son is not great at football but has really excelled at competitive athletics and it has done wonders for his confidence.

Rugby is an incredibly inclusive sport - there’s a position for everyone.

Ds has been on a team two years. It is brutal. Luckily he’s one of the stronger players so it hasn’t been too bad but I’ve seen some of the others treated as you’re describing and it is awful. It is supposed to be fun and an opportunity to exercise and make friends. Lots of parents have taken their kids elsewhere because they were hardly on the pitch or are only allowed to go to training/ not play actual matches yet paying same subs. Huge sympathy op, it’s difficult to take him out if he’s made friends

I think there is a problem in all sports that although in theory they know it's lovely for everyone to get equal time. In reality if the team is regularly losing, especially losing badly, it's not good for anyone.

As a junior I played tennis for a club. The club (small) had one ladies', one men's, one mixed team which was really competitive.
Someone thought it would be a nice idea to have a mixed team which was just for fun, anyone could play. It got a lot of support, and people were really enthusiastic.

Anyway, they asked around, got everyone's name and worked it out so they had a fair number of matches each (I think around 4). They lost every match 15-0 or 14-1 (score by sets).
Very quickly the team became very demoralised, people would drop out from matches at a moment's notice, and a lot of bad feeling was had from most of them. The lower players started making a fuss about who they played with (doubles). One quote I heard "I'm not playing with her - she's no better than me...!" and the better players went to other clubs. Some of the lower players tried recruiting better players and then refused to play unless they partnered them. There was a lot of blame "We would have won that set if my partner..."

The next year they had trials and got a large team (expecting to play half the matches) and they got 7-5 loses or wins and everything was much more cheerful. There was a much better team spirit.

So I can see from the coach's side that the team winning may not be important to him, but to 12 yo boys they're going get demoralised very quickly, then better players will leave and they'll do worse. Nothing more competitive than a 12yo boy ime!

However for the fun tournament would be a good opportunity to give those that are weaker a good chance to play, and I think he messed up there.

I'd look at athletics if he's a good runner. You get some good clubs around.