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Original poster

Former friend - WWYD ?

80 replies

Flora67 · 23/07/2024 23:24

NC for this but been around a long time .
I was very friendly with a woman for more than 20 years . We were each other’s bridesmaids, shared good and bad times . We were extremely close.
About 15 years ago I discovered that her husband was cheating on her . Friend had always said she would want to know if her husband cheated although she never thought he would . He knew that I knew .
Anyway , after a lot of inner turmoil, I told her . She didn’t take it well. We had met in a cafe and she simply walked out . When I phoned her later she hung up . After a couple of weeks I wrote to her but her eventual reply stayed that I was lying and that I was jealous. She stayed with her husband.
Fast forward and I have discovered that she is terminally ill . My dilemma is that I am not sure if I should reach out or just let it go . DH says let it go but a couple of friends have said we should make peace .
Thoughts ?

OP posts:
fleurdolease · 23/07/2024 23:27

Definitely reach out and make peace 🙏🏻 you don't want to live with any what ifs or any regrets if your friend isn't going to be around forever. Hope it goes ok Flowers

newleafontheplantjohn · 23/07/2024 23:28

That's a tough one.

I'd be inclined to say let it go, as she may not want reminded of all that and just may not want to hear from you.

If a mutual friend could sound her out and she would like to hear from you, however, I would get in touch.

EveSimpson · 23/07/2024 23:31

She is still with her husband even now? Then I would maybe write a card saying you are sorry to hear that she is ill, that you think of her often and will always value the friendship you shared. That she was a great friend - etc - but do not mention the affair stuff.

OR just leave it.

I suppose, thinking about it, your reaching out would be more for you than her (but I understand why you would). Sorry to say this but you are likely not on her mind right now and even if you were, she wouldn’t know where to start with it all either.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
alrightluv · 23/07/2024 23:34

The card idea could be ok or maybe message? If you're blocked at least you tried. Also I agree if you have a mutual friend getting them to see how she feels about hearing from you might be an idea?

EmoCourt · 23/07/2024 23:45

Send her a card wishing you well, but I’d be prepared for no response. You probably remind her of a painful time in her life.

TinySmol · 24/07/2024 00:04

Nope.
I wouldn't contact her.

poppinpink · 24/07/2024 00:12

Aw that is so sad! I think try and reach out! I hope peace is found whatever way you decide to do things x

Sunlounger25 · 24/07/2024 00:12

I would contact her definitely. She might not respond, but she could and it might help her to have her close friend nearby. Just be prepared for either outcome but don't live with regret.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 24/07/2024 00:20

Iv been in a similar situation.

Tbh I would not contact her ... with age and wisdom I have learned to let go ... choose your focus and channel your energies into those around you.

This lady had a long period of time to reach out and she chose not to.

Zonder · 24/07/2024 00:31

Is she still with her husband? If so I'd stay away.

Do you have mutual friends? If so check with them

AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2024 00:34

@Flora67

I wouldn't contact her directly. I'm not sure how you found out, but if it was a mutual acquaintance/family member I'd ask them to be a go between with a message that you are thinking of her and would like to see her. Then accept whatever decision she makes. Especially at this time, she needs to be in control of her remaining days and to be at peace.

If there's no one to act as go between, I'd send a simple card with the message "Thinking of you". If she wants to reach out, then she will.

AnnieMcFanny · 24/07/2024 00:40

I think you have to leave your old friend to spend what time she has left in peace. But if you really do want to send her your love then I’d do it by card and say something along the lines of, thinking of you with love.

Noseybookworm · 24/07/2024 00:43

I would not contact her. If she wanted to reach out to you, she would have. Leave her to spend whatever time she has left with her loved ones.

Waveforme · 24/07/2024 00:50

Don't contact her. It might bring all the pain back (not your fault) under the circumstances I'd leave well alone.

You did the right thing btw. I'd have appreciated you for that.

larkstar · 24/07/2024 00:53

It's a no brainer for me - be the person you think you are - reach out and if it's not welcomed then at least you stayed true to yourself by NOT wanting to be that type of fairweather friend that runs away when people encounter problems in life. Her reaction to the news you broke may not have been the way you might have reacted but people are different and saying how you'd react in the same situation and actually being in the same situation are different things altogether - cut her some slack, leave the past... in the past - I wouldn't let her shutting down the relationship stop you from doing what you think is right - I'd look past that. Good luck!

larkstar · 24/07/2024 00:55

Don't do it for grief tourism though.

BlimminCat · 24/07/2024 01:01

I think in this situation I would leave her in peace.
It will churn up difficult feelings about her husband, and difficult feelings about you telling her. Let her have the time with the people she loves without stirring up what must have been a painful time. Even if she 100% thinks her husband didn’t cheat, it’s bound to have churned things up for her. She doesn’t need reminding of that time by you contacting her.
She won’t get anything out of you contacting, it will just be you getting something out of it (closure?) as you are the one left behind. I think that makes it a bit selfish. If she wanted to contact you, she would.

Noescapefromtheidiots · 24/07/2024 01:04

I'd ignore it. She's the one who should be making peace with you, she wronged you. She's cut you off then ignored you all this time, there's no friendship left. How can peace be made if she still believes you were lying and jealous? You'd have to apologize for something you didn't do! Say a prayer for her if you're that way inclined, for old times sake, but leave her where she is - not part of your life.

MelainesLaugh · 24/07/2024 01:09

I’d send a thinking of you card. If she then wants to reach out she knows she can

ThePoshUns · 24/07/2024 01:16

If she is still with her husband, leave her alone. You will be reopening old wounds for her. Let it go.

BowlOfNoodles · 24/07/2024 01:18

The question is will you feel like shit if you are ignored? If so no! If yes avoid it x

Anonymousemouses · 24/07/2024 01:18

I've been though the exact same thing. Even made a thread about it.

In my case my friend had been my best friend for nearly 40 years. She then ghosted me. I tried to reach out, but nothing.

Her husband came round to see me, and wanted to know why we weren't speaking anymore, but I couldn't answer (although when they'd split up for a while he tried it on with me and openly told her he fancied me from when he met me -around 5 years after I met her, she seemed unbothered by it).

A few years later I got married, she found out and was around again, it was amazing having my best friend back, but she again ghosted me, shortly before DD1 was born.

I found out from mutual friends that she had cancer. All our mutuals thought I'd know as they knew we were best friends and always together.

I found out from her brother she'd died. I'm still really upset about it. Som many things left unsaid and I really did love her and she was a massive part of my life.

I didn't reach out to her. As much as I was tempted, the truth is it would have been for my benefit, not hers.

If your friend wanted to see you, she would reach out to you.

Don't make her illness about you, as much as you feel you want to support her, it may well come across differently to her.

The card is a nice idea, but if she's but you off, even that could be triggering.

wrped · 24/07/2024 01:19

if shes still with husband then dont reach out

she'll reach out to you if she wants too

BowlOfNoodles · 24/07/2024 01:21

Anonymousemouses · 24/07/2024 01:18

I've been though the exact same thing. Even made a thread about it.

In my case my friend had been my best friend for nearly 40 years. She then ghosted me. I tried to reach out, but nothing.

Her husband came round to see me, and wanted to know why we weren't speaking anymore, but I couldn't answer (although when they'd split up for a while he tried it on with me and openly told her he fancied me from when he met me -around 5 years after I met her, she seemed unbothered by it).

A few years later I got married, she found out and was around again, it was amazing having my best friend back, but she again ghosted me, shortly before DD1 was born.

I found out from mutual friends that she had cancer. All our mutuals thought I'd know as they knew we were best friends and always together.

I found out from her brother she'd died. I'm still really upset about it. Som many things left unsaid and I really did love her and she was a massive part of my life.

I didn't reach out to her. As much as I was tempted, the truth is it would have been for my benefit, not hers.

If your friend wanted to see you, she would reach out to you.

Don't make her illness about you, as much as you feel you want to support her, it may well come across differently to her.

The card is a nice idea, but if she's but you off, even that could be triggering.

I can actually feel your hurt even through text I'm sorry 😞 x

TwinklyNight · 24/07/2024 02:44

I wouldn't want to risk stressing her out reminding her of it. I think if she wants to make peace with you that she will reach out to you. I hope that she does!