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Original poster

Former friend - WWYD ?

80 replies

Flora67 · 23/07/2024 23:24

NC for this but been around a long time .
I was very friendly with a woman for more than 20 years . We were each other’s bridesmaids, shared good and bad times . We were extremely close.
About 15 years ago I discovered that her husband was cheating on her . Friend had always said she would want to know if her husband cheated although she never thought he would . He knew that I knew .
Anyway , after a lot of inner turmoil, I told her . She didn’t take it well. We had met in a cafe and she simply walked out . When I phoned her later she hung up . After a couple of weeks I wrote to her but her eventual reply stayed that I was lying and that I was jealous. She stayed with her husband.
Fast forward and I have discovered that she is terminally ill . My dilemma is that I am not sure if I should reach out or just let it go . DH says let it go but a couple of friends have said we should make peace .
Thoughts ?

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 24/07/2024 03:00

Another vote for let it go, do not contact her. She has cut you off for 15 years, and though it might be possible she'd welcome contact from you in the circumstances, chances are she wouldn't and then it just churns up the past in a way I'm sure she doesn't need in her final days.

PaminaMozart · 24/07/2024 03:15

I didn't reach out to her. As much as I was tempted, the truth is it would have been for my benefit, not hers.
If your friend wanted to see you, she would reach out to you.

I agree with this poster. If she wanted to reach out, even now, she could. I'd let her be. Not even send a card - it might only bring long buried pain back to the surface.

Quitelikeit · 24/07/2024 03:25

I would not contact her especially if she is still with her husband

I would not send a card either

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Relationship problems
Galoop · 24/07/2024 03:27

Tbh I think this is more about you than her (even if you don't intend it to be). The last thing she needs if she's terminally ill is this .... unless you think she regrets treating you like this. It's a difficult one, but I'm leaning towards not getting in contact

Original poster
Flora67 · 24/07/2024 06:34

Thank you for the replies .
I met one of her neighbours who I know slightly and she told me . She clearly knew the history but thought I would want to know .
I said I was very sorry to hear this news .
The majority of you seem to agree with my DH so I will leave it . The last thing I want to do is cause her any more distress .

OP posts:
AnnieMcFanny · 24/07/2024 13:49

found out from her brother she'd died. I'm still really upset about it. Som many things left unsaid and I really did love her and she was a massive part of my life

I believe you loved your friend very much and I’m so sorry for your loss. You come across as a lovely person and I hope you find peace of heart one day when thinking about your friend.

alrightluv · 24/07/2024 14:32

@Anonymousemouses that's so sad. You sound like a lovely person. She didn't deserve you. Yes she's been ill and now died but she was ignorant and uncaring. It's understandable for you to feel upset though. If only she'd been honest. Although my guess is it was a her problem not you.

Ivehearditbothways · 24/07/2024 14:38

Let’s be honest, the closure you want won’t come. Even if you’re Ok with it now, somewhere in your mind, you want her to say she believed you and she is sorry etc. To make peace and feel that she doesn’t really think you’re a liar and jealous and tried to ruin her marriage.
You won’t get that.

She made a choice 15 years ago, and her response to you was actually appalling. What she said and cutting you off… that was awful of her.

Her dying doesn’t change what she did, the choice she made or the things she said. And you won’t get closure on any of that. So what’s the point? She doesn’t want to see you so just leave it.

OriginalUsername2 · 24/07/2024 14:56

If she has split up with the man at some point along the line, then absolutely. But if she’s still with him, absolutely not.

Original poster
Flora67 · 25/07/2024 14:50

Anonymousemouses · 24/07/2024 01:18

I've been though the exact same thing. Even made a thread about it.

In my case my friend had been my best friend for nearly 40 years. She then ghosted me. I tried to reach out, but nothing.

Her husband came round to see me, and wanted to know why we weren't speaking anymore, but I couldn't answer (although when they'd split up for a while he tried it on with me and openly told her he fancied me from when he met me -around 5 years after I met her, she seemed unbothered by it).

A few years later I got married, she found out and was around again, it was amazing having my best friend back, but she again ghosted me, shortly before DD1 was born.

I found out from mutual friends that she had cancer. All our mutuals thought I'd know as they knew we were best friends and always together.

I found out from her brother she'd died. I'm still really upset about it. Som many things left unsaid and I really did love her and she was a massive part of my life.

I didn't reach out to her. As much as I was tempted, the truth is it would have been for my benefit, not hers.

If your friend wanted to see you, she would reach out to you.

Don't make her illness about you, as much as you feel you want to support her, it may well come across differently to her.

The card is a nice idea, but if she's but you off, even that could be triggering.

So sorry to read your story . You sound so hurt and I can empathise. When this happened I was actually ill for ages , I was so distraught . I can’t go through that again .

OP posts:
Emmz1510 · 27/07/2024 14:11

I think I would leave well alone. She chose to throw away your friendship and being terminally ill doesn’t absolve her of that or change the fact that she should have been the one to reach out .

PassingStranger · 27/07/2024 14:22

I think people come and go for a reason in our lives. The ones who are meant to stay do and others fade away.

I probably wouldn't contact her now. It's been a long time and she didn't treat you very well.

If she rejected you it could upset you and it's not worth it. Self care, thinking of ones self is important.

ladydeedy · 27/07/2024 14:27

EveSimpson · 23/07/2024 23:31

She is still with her husband even now? Then I would maybe write a card saying you are sorry to hear that she is ill, that you think of her often and will always value the friendship you shared. That she was a great friend - etc - but do not mention the affair stuff.

OR just leave it.

I suppose, thinking about it, your reaching out would be more for you than her (but I understand why you would). Sorry to say this but you are likely not on her mind right now and even if you were, she wouldn’t know where to start with it all either.

I think this is perfect. And sometimes you need to do it for yourself so you can continue to live in peace. She may well appreciate it so I'd say do it in exactly the tone as provided here. You're not asking for anything, you're just acknowledging the friendship you had and wish her farewell.

Bellyblueboy · 27/07/2024 14:32

I would leave it. It was her choice to stop communication. She may have know and been humiliated. Seeing you again at such an emotional time will bring all that back.

it maybe seems a little selfish to contact her now. More for your benefit than hers?

Trallers · 27/07/2024 14:43

Given that the husband knew you knew I think he had a lot to do with why she cut you off. Goodness knows what he must have said about you being jealous, wanting him for yourself etc.

If your friend believed all that then she may have never realised she did anything wrong towards you.

If they are togther still then there is a high chance you would stir up a lot of upset just be reaching out (none of it your fault, it just would). Given how ill she is that doesn't seem like a good idea. Can you find out if they are together? If not, then that changes things.

DecoratingDiva · 27/07/2024 15:02

If she is still with the husband I’d leave it, she won’t welcome you now, she won’t want reminding of what you told her.

If she found out the truth and is no longer with him then maybe I’d get in touch but it has been 15 years and she hasn’t made any effort to contact you so I’d consider if she would want to see you now?

BirthdayRainbow · 27/07/2024 15:03

Do you think that a thoughtful card from you might actually bring comfort, rather than distress?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/07/2024 15:13

The friendship ended when she walked out. Sending a card isn't really for her it's for your own peace of mind. Flowers

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 27/07/2024 15:14

This may sound heartless but she was in the wrong, you did what I would want a friend to do, and the right thing. She chose not to believe you and didn't deserve you. It's sad that she is terminally ill but she would reach out if she wanted to - she should apologise and make peace, but I doubt she will. This is not on you.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/07/2024 15:17

TinySmol · 24/07/2024 00:04

Nope.
I wouldn't contact her.

This would be me too.

I don't think I'd be reaching out to her.

She said she wanted to be told if her husband was cheating on her and you did the decent thing and told her (as per her request). She walked out on you and wouldn't accept your phone calls....nope. She associates you with being the one who broke the news to her and nothing will change that perception. Don't forget, she has also had the same level of opportunities to apologise to you for the way she reacted to hearing the news and hasn't reached out to make contact with you at this point.

Ellie1015 · 27/07/2024 15:26

If she reached out i would be willing to reconnect and hopefully make peace.

I would not contact her as she is going through a lot and may find it upsetting to hear from me as it would remind her of dh's cheating.

Notamum12345577 · 27/07/2024 16:11

Flora67 · 23/07/2024 23:24

NC for this but been around a long time .
I was very friendly with a woman for more than 20 years . We were each other’s bridesmaids, shared good and bad times . We were extremely close.
About 15 years ago I discovered that her husband was cheating on her . Friend had always said she would want to know if her husband cheated although she never thought he would . He knew that I knew .
Anyway , after a lot of inner turmoil, I told her . She didn’t take it well. We had met in a cafe and she simply walked out . When I phoned her later she hung up . After a couple of weeks I wrote to her but her eventual reply stayed that I was lying and that I was jealous. She stayed with her husband.
Fast forward and I have discovered that she is terminally ill . My dilemma is that I am not sure if I should reach out or just let it go . DH says let it go but a couple of friends have said we should make peace .
Thoughts ?

I would reach out. But not mention the affair, or even the argument, I would just reach out and try and make some sort of peace

PaleSunshineOfHope · 27/07/2024 16:15

I'd let it go. She dumped you for trying to do the right thing. She is not a friend.

Onehotday · 27/07/2024 16:16

Noseybookworm · 24/07/2024 00:43

I would not contact her. If she wanted to reach out to you, she would have. Leave her to spend whatever time she has left with her loved ones.

I agree with this. Don't make it about you.

tuvamoodyson · 27/07/2024 16:20

She’s had time to contact you to make up before she dies, she’s chosen not too…it’s not up to your other friends to decide what you should do, I’d leave it.