Former friend - WWYD ?

[Flora67]

NC for this but been around a long time .
I was very friendly with a woman for more than 20 years . We were each other’s bridesmaids, shared good and bad times . We were extremely close.
About 15 years ago I discovered that her husband was cheating on her . Friend had always said she would want to know if her husband cheated although she never thought he would . He knew that I knew .
Anyway , after a lot of inner turmoil, I told her . She didn’t take it well. We had met in a cafe and she simply walked out . When I phoned her later she hung up . After a couple of weeks I wrote to her but her eventual reply stayed that I was lying and that I was jealous. She stayed with her husband.
Fast forward and I have discovered that she is terminally ill . My dilemma is that I am not sure if I should reach out or just let it go . DH says let it go but a couple of friends have said we should make peace .
Thoughts ?

I wouldn't give her the time of day. She refused to believe you and has had nothing to do with you .

Don't let the emotion of her impending demise cloud your judgement. Her prediciment now does not change her behaviour from the past. You owe her nothing and did nothing wrong.

Personally no I wouldn't, I think if she wanted you to know she would have reached out to you, I'd leave it

You haven't seen her in 15 years. Let it go. Sounds as though you're reaching out more for your peace of mind than hers.

I wouldn't. You're strangers to each other.

No. Do not do it. It is unfair, but you are a source of pain for her. Intruding now when she is dying is cruel. I would let mutual friends know that your door is open if she wants to contact you. Then leave it at that.

I'd say no because she's the one who didn't want to continue your friendship. As in she dumped you not the other way around so it's not your place to disrespect her decision. It's also bringing back up her husbands cheating which I doubt she wants reminding of at the moment

I had a similar situation. We'd worked together and become really close friends, she came to my wedding etc. Then she fell out with me for an absolutely stupid reason, just when I found out my ddad had terminal cancer and I really needed her support. She uninvited me from her imminent wedding and we never spoke again. We had an ex mutual colleague we were both friends with, who updated me (and probably her) on what was going on in our lives over the years. Many years later, mutual friend told me ex friend's brain tumour she'd had as a child had returned (it was always her fear) and she hadn't got long left. Mutual friend was going to visit her, so I gave her a card to pass on, just saying I was thinking of her and sending her my love. I, obviously, didn't mention anything relating to the fall out. Apparently, she was very pleased to get the card and told mutual friend she couldn't even remember why we'd fallen out in the first place all those years ago and it was nice of me to send the card. I'm glad I did as it meant so much to me to know there was no ill feeling between us anymore. If she'd rejected the card I would have still felt satisfied that I had, at least, tried and at least she knew I bore no ill will towards her, whatever she may have thought of me.

No leave if, if she had wanted you to know she was terminally ill, she would have have contacted you earlier. Some things are best left alone.

I wouldn't. She chose to not believe you and then ghosted you.

I've got an ex friend of decades that couldn't be arsed to make the slightest effort for my big birthday although dragged out promises for over a year. I had supported her through everything. She finally thought to make an effort but it didn't happen not even to check in during a global pandemic. It was her big birthday last year and I didn't even acknowledge it.

It's not about your friend, it's about protecting you.

I wouldn't. It's been 15 years and she hasn't been in touch. If she wants to reach out to you in an end-of-life, self-reflective way then she will. You reaching out to her uninvited is only going to serve to remind her of an awful time in her life. I don't think it's fair to her to potentially stir things up again when she doesn't have much time left.

I wouldn't contact her.
It has been 15 years, you are only a painful memory and she might be a different person. I don't think she would like to be reminded of what happened.
If she would like to make peace she would reach out (very unlikely).

I think that you should reach out.
Anything could have happened over those years and he could have had more affairs or she could have found out that you were telling the truth after all, and not known how to reach out.
I wouldn't mention the past, just a little card to let her know that you are thinking of her and that over the years she has never been far from your thoughts.
It may have been one of life's big regrets for her and it may give her some closure, you were friends for a long time.

I think that you should reach out.
Anything could have happened over those years and he could have had more affairs or she could have found out that you were telling the truth after all, and not known how to reach out.
I wouldn't mention the past, just a little card to let her know that you are thinking of her and that over the years she has never been far from your thoughts.
It may have been one of life's big regrets for her and it may give her some closure, you were friends for a long time.

I wouldn't reach out to her, sadly she made her choice. I'd want to contact her husband though and tell him that his cowardice in not coming clean about him cheating cost you a friendship you dearly valued and now you've lost years of memories you could have had with your friend thanks to him being able to keep it in his trousers (don't do it, I'd WANT to do it but given the timing I wouldn't dare).

Reach out to her. My mum was terminal and really wanted to see the friends she had lost, unfortunately no time was left and it was a really sad situation. I think everything surpasses in that moment and she'll be happy to see you and make peace with you. Good luck ❤️

Just a quick update .
Out of the blue I received an email from former friend yesterday . Her neighbour had told her she had met me and that I was sorry to hear her news.
The email was long and basically tore me to shreds . I should have contacted her immediately I heard her news to apologise for lying about her husband having an affair . Apparently I was always jealous of her and her happy marriage and tried to wreck it . ( For the record , I have been happily married to a wonderful man for many years).
There was other stuff but some of it is very outing .
I was stunned and very upset as you can imagine . Talk about shooting the messenger.

I would probably leave it, it is unlikley to benefit her.
You are a reminder that her H had an affair

Sorry to read your update. Had you contacted her immediately I imagine her response would have been similarly vitriolic.

As you say she has chosen to shoot the messenger and is still angry about the pay, and likely angry with her current prognosis. Unfortunately for you, youre in the firing line.

*angry about the past

Wow that's a lot of vitriol she has for somebody so unwell. Be glad you rose above it.

Thank you .
DH isn’t convinced that she wrote the email !

Fucking hell.
Do not reply to that.
The husband might have written that but honestly - who cares?
Leave it be.
You cannot win here.
Leave the two of them to it.
Even in death - a lot of people remain down that big river in Egypt.

No, I wouldn't.
She made her choice.

Would it be making peace for her though, or just raking up unhappy history when everyone else will be trying to make her time left as pleasant as possible.

Well at least now you know not to give it any more thought. She made her choice back then and she's made it again now. There's no point even replying to that.