Things we say to our pets.

[ProvincialLady2024]

Ddog barking in the garden at absolutely nothing. I call her in and as she trots through the door I hear myself saying
"You are a nuisance, the neighbours think you're a nuisance, the cat thinks you're a nuisance. You are a lovely dog really, but you need to work on this."

Anyone else try and communicate won't their pets beyond their levels of comprehension?

Disclaimer - Ddog always brought in as soon as she starts barking.

im usually found saying “dogs name, get in, it’s not even 9am and you’re pissing me off”

I also say strange things I’d never say before like get your sisters ear out your mouth. Shouting EYES when they play and get a bit carried away. Stop sniffing her bum she doesn’t like it. Don’t you dare jump on her.

i also say daily your my favourite white dog and you’re my favourite black dog

i love my dogs 🥰

I frequently fat shame my Guinea pig, Wilbur. I mean it’s not his fault he’s huge, I can’t ration out the veg and pellets as he’s got 3 girlfriends who all need to eat when they want (he’s neutered so no funny business). I tell him he’s too fat and he should leave the nuggets alone. 🤣

You are a noisey little arsehole...
Why are you so bloody loud?. We are moving and leaving you behind...

I've said to my cat this evening:

"No, you aren't having any more treats. You've just been fed and I know you guilt tripped the kids into giving you a treat stick earlier because they didn't throw away the empty packet. Stop being a fat git"

I got hissed at.

Hello darling. How’s your breath this morning? “Hiss” Ok, are you hungry then? “Meow” You’re such a sweet girl.

To DDog:

• “How many times are you planning to shit today?”

To DCats:

• “What the fuck are you eating now?”
• “Stop climbing in the bin!”

To all four of them:

• “I love you all, my precious angels, but you’re very fucking irritating.”

"Oh you're such a scrumptious boy, let me put you in the oven and eat you all up for my dinner"

Then he follows me to the utensil drawer, I use a spatula on him to lift him into the oven and then when he's done I take him to the cutlery drawer and he lets me pretend to chop him up with a knife and folk. I loudly chomp every mouthful, telling him how good he tastes and he gets awfully excited.

Yep we're both bat shit.

Calls cat by name in enticing loving manner.
Pause
"Suit yourself then, you little shitting mobster"

You is kind, you is smart special, you is important

Stop eating your own shit, you monstrous curly fool.

Similar here too

My neighbours probably think my cat is called “You Little Grimy Bastard”

This is an embarrassing one but hey anonymous mumsnet is the place to share it 🤣 I have a bedtime ritual for my little maltipoo every night...

"It's time for all the puppies in the land to go to sleep, especially my puppy. So you go to sleep and have some lovely puppy dreams for me, and you can tell me all about them tomorrow. Goodnight Roxie, you're the best puppy in the whole (mwah) wide (mwah) world" in case I needed to explain, the "mwahs" are kisses to her face 😂

Aside from this, she gets a lot of "you're an absolute irritant and I'm taking you to the pound tomorrow"

Poor thing doesn't know if she's coming or going

I regularly make up songs about how amazing/annoying/smelly my dog is. He looks at me like I'm bat shit. I probably am 🤣

Bedtime at our house is a skinny dog elbow in my ribs, a cat licking my eyelid to check I’m not dead, a cat loudly washing themselves at the end of the bed and another cat seeing if there’s anything exciting in the aforementioned bathroom bin. We wake up with all four though 🥰

I love you too sweetheart.

Thats it you’re going to the pound. (Always said to my husband when she’s not in the room)

You put your dog in the oven? 😆

When my dog barks at things on the TV, stop barking or you Will sleep in the shed. We don't have a shed so what are you gonna do about that? 😂😂

I love you cat 🐈‍⬛ x

To the dog:
Come on stinker, walkies

That's enough pooing now my boy

Surely you're all pooed out

(Me pretending that we live in the Yorksire dales) Come by, stay, stay, that'll do

Yes, we do a lot of "it's on the TV you idiot!"

Sometimes - That'll do pig - to the cat

I regularly tell both my cats they are the most beautiful creature in the whole world and we love you very much.

Yes we like "who'd have thought the old girl to have so much poop left in her?"

Cat disappearing for hours and hours lately. Once 20 hours. She comes back for food. I said to her "stop treating this house like a hotel". Just looks at me like yeah yeah.