Things we say to our pets.

[ProvincialLady2024]

Ddog barking in the garden at absolutely nothing. I call her in and as she trots through the door I hear myself saying
"You are a nuisance, the neighbours think you're a nuisance, the cat thinks you're a nuisance. You are a lovely dog really, but you need to work on this."

Anyone else try and communicate won't their pets beyond their levels of comprehension?

'you are both hooligans. The neighours will think you have no manners.'

They roll in shit given half a chance. I dont think the neighbours opinion of them is high on their priority list.

Tell my cat daily he is my favourite out of everyone in the house and he's the best looking cat in the street

"You're just using me because your dad isn't around you little user, you snake"

Me to my lovely little cat as she makes biscuits on my lap and I don't want to let on that I'm loving the attention while her preferred human is not around.

DD used to pick up our best cat and tell him he was such a baby that she was going to bake him in a baby pie. He would purr loudly at the prospect.

Right! You're going to Battersea!

When I suspect my dog of having done something I ask her if she's "done a naughty" and she looks in the bloody direction of what she's done. Betrayed by her own eyes.

For some reason I like to tell my dog that I'm going to punch him in the face.

Said when not listening to me, in a real 'I swear I'm just going to punch you right in your little face one day' mock gritted teeth, Eastenders vibe way.

Then I'll raise my fist up to him, just to see if he has any notion of what I'm saying.

He doesn't.

[to the cat]

'You are a baby! You are the world's tiniest baby!! And if the police came round and asked me if you were a tiny baby I would simply have to tell them that there is no baby tinier than you!!!'

'What an outrage you are, what a terrible outrage' [shortly before snuggling him]

I had a very serious but somewhat one-sided conversation with my cat recently in which I ran through the reasons why she shouldn't jump on my head at 5 a.m. Sadly I don't think the message has landed

It's only me and the dog during the week so have a lot of conversations

How many poos you planning on doing.? Want to make sure I have enough bags

Stop barking I know you're just catching up on the neighbours gossip but give it a rest?

Are you going to eat your food or you going to leave it till later?

Fgs stop barking!!

my 14 year old today after our dog again shouted at nothing on the lane 'good girl, thanks for protecting us from the invisible army once again, good doggy'

hes so funny with her.

♥️

‘Biscuit, stop acting like a twat. You’re a dog, not a cat. Don’t embarrass me’. I’m hoping the neighbours can hear my disdain at his barking at nothing.

Who is the most handsomest Guinea piggie in all the land….its yoooooo….and he’s such a good clever boy…no don’t piss on meeeeee!!

My mate has a beautiful but absolutely bonkers black lab. She talks to him like he is a toddler…Hugo Maxwell Smith! That is not the appropriate behaviour…we have guests…

I've just told my dog that I'm not chasing her around the garden with dds dirty knickers in her mouth, she can stay out all night if she wants I'm not plating her game!

If you don't stop barking, I'll send you to the Korean pie factory!

Will you stop mimicking the bloody doorbell and making him bark!! To my mynah bird.

Dog 1 upstairs by my bed so…..
Dog 2 downstairs whilst giving bedtime treats “ sleep well my darling, you be good boy and go bye byes. I will go bye byes upstairs and you will go bye byes upstairs. I will miss you and you will miss me but I will see you in the morning and take you out for a lovely big walk. Night night, I love you”
Dog 1 havimg bedtime treats “ here is some treats for you my darling baby and you will do some snoring and I do like the snoring and I do love you my angel. Sleep well my lovely darling “
Hisband - sleep well (thinking “I’m trying to read ok?????”

Also had a conversation with this cat this morning where I told him I lo e him but don't like his taste in presents, was a dead rat outside my bedroom door this morning, first time in 8 years he's brought one upstairs.

And obviously it's the law that when a pet stretches you have to say 'ooh that's a big stretch"

Or Dogs Trust.

On dog barking

• “… is there someone stuck down the well?”.

’Cat, if it is raining out the front windows then it is also raining out the back door’. To either of my two cats.

’Time for a wee wee poo poo’ to the dog

Me, as yet again the bloody rescue Siamese tries to escape through the door when the food delivery came. He's lovely, but not bright. We've had him over 4 years. He was indoor but young when we adopted him. Thought we could get him outside. No. The new rescue, similar age, but female and much brighter, but also indoor only, loves the catio but won't even look at outside. My conversations are weird!!

After reading this thread I know I’m in the company of other bat shit crazy pet owners! 🐾🐾💕
Love my dog I tell her every day she’s my furry sausage dog of joy even though she’s a Labrador!! My neighbours also hear me say every day “that’s my tea towel/sock, it doesn’t belong in the garden”!! My cat gets reminded every day that she’s a miserable skinny little shit (she’s 21)!

Our cat gets shut in the kitchen at night otherwise he is an absolute pain at 4am looking for breakfast. As I close the door I say, night night, you be good, we love you, and we’ll see you in the morning. I also frequently tell him he’s a big ginger pest, but he’s my big ginger pest.

"There's my puppy!"

• to my adult cat