Things we say to our pets.

[ProvincialLady2024]

Ddog barking in the garden at absolutely nothing. I call her in and as she trots through the door I hear myself saying
"You are a nuisance, the neighbours think you're a nuisance, the cat thinks you're a nuisance. You are a lovely dog really, but you need to work on this."

Anyone else try and communicate won't their pets beyond their levels of comprehension?

Could you not? I SAID COULD YOU NOT??

I chat away to the dogs all the time - they pick up on tone and intonation way more than we realise. Small DDog knows the names for five of his toys and can bring them on request, so I have no doubt that Big DDog, who is above such human-pleasing tricks, understands what I mean when I tell her she's the most precious and clever duchess of all the dogs, that she'd be doing me a huge favour if she'd explain to her baby brother how to use the doorbells, and that she has my heart in her handbag. Her eyebrows move up and down, anyway, as if she's silently telling me to stop talking, please.

There's nobody there. Absolutely no need for you to be shouting. (Have to open the door to show shithead doggo that there is literally nothing happening outside)

Do you have to wash that now? And so noisily? (In the middle of the night).

Please don't eat that, it's bound to be disgusting! (Usually cat poo).

You are possibly a little bit large for that space. (As he tries to climb on my lap while I am sitting at my computer on an office chair).

Really? That's the position you've decided to sleep in? (Pic attached).

To my lovely rescue boy who was about to be taken to Battersea by an owner who could no longer cope:
”we’re going to Battersea, we’re going to Battersea, we’re going to Battersea and then we’re coming home” Pointless drivel

Ha ha I do that too.

I’m very careful to talk to my cat at her level 😂

Who’s my best and only girl?
You so pretty
Have you done me a nice wee?
Are you being a naughty girl with my fairy lights?
Don’t do that to the nice carpet

Big stretch! Big yawn!

I sing, ‘He’s a porg, he’s just a sweet and tiny porg,’ to one cat. (The little creatures from Star Wars, he reminds us of them.) Tell the other one I’m going to turn him into a hat because he’s so horrid. (While giving him a big love of course!)

The dog I don’t even know where to start. Not only do we talk to him constantly, he also talks back! He has a ‘voice’ that we can both do. What’s embarrassing is when we forget and do it in front of people.

‘Oh I know, you’re a poor starved kitty… whatever will become of you? You’re practically wasting away…’

To my chonky boy cat

Both my dogs have voices. One sounds like a Welsh rugby player (pick one, any one) and the other is basically Penelope Keith.

“Just because it’s there it doesn’t mean you have to eat it”, about any leftover food including things like bread that aren’t eaten all at once (yes he’s a Labrador!).

”If you want me to throw the ball, you have to drop the ball. That’s how the game works”.

I also sing to him:

soft puppy, warm puppy
little ball of fluff
happy puppy, sleepy puppy
woof, woof, woof.

He is not a little ball of fluff at all he’s 30kg of sleek, shininess but we used to sing it to him when he was a puppy 🥰.

Mine has a voice too, we have full on conversations “with” him. He’s got a deep, enthusiastic voice and usually says, “oh my dog, this is the best day ever!”