Things we say to our pets.

[ProvincialLady2024]

Ddog barking in the garden at absolutely nothing. I call her in and as she trots through the door I hear myself saying
"You are a nuisance, the neighbours think you're a nuisance, the cat thinks you're a nuisance. You are a lovely dog really, but you need to work on this."

Anyone else try and communicate won't their pets beyond their levels of comprehension?

One of my dogs barks incessantly with excitement as soon as I go to open the backdoor, because despite living here for almost 5 years, every single time he sees the garden, it's like the very first time?!

So I stand there with my arms folded, waiting for him to stop before I let him out.

I actually say, "It's your own time you're wasting you know!"

It works though, because he slinks out quietly and sheepishly every time 😁🐾

Said to small, cute, fluffy spoilt dog on regular basis (in annoying baby voice - I live alone so nobody to annoy except the dog!)

who's the best doggy in the world, yes you are, yes you are

Have you had a good day. Did you enjoy your walks. Are you going to stay another night at the doggy hotel (my house). I hope so ....mummy would be so sad if you left. You're a VIP guest , very important paws

Oh dear has the service been poor today (dog looking at me with distain like I'm an idiot). Are you going to have to leave. Have you packed your tiny dog rucksack already.

What's Fido having for his dinner today. Lamb. Oh that sounds good for the doggies. Mummy will just go and cook it for you. That's it under the grill. 15 minutes till it's ready. (Dog rolls eyes, jesus not lamb again, I had that last week)

What park shall we go to today. Mummy will think of somewhere good to take you cos you're the best doggy in the world. Any special requests. No okay mummy will pick.

How many poo's are you going to do today. Two. Oh you're such a good boy.

In my head whilst outdoors pretending I'm translating what the dog is thinking/saying 'I'm free, I'm free, yes that's right ladies Fido is here. Check that cute furry butt. I'm working it, I'm working it. Wiggle, wiggle. Ah now to spread the word of Fido with the golden nectar (dog pee). That's right dogs of (Made up street name) take that. Read it and weep. Fido was here.

I always act surprised when I encounter one of my cats lolling on the bed or sofa and exclaim “What kind of creature is THIS?!”
They stretch and present themselves for a fuss as if they are indeed the most wonderful and astonishing beings on the planet.

This thread has reassured me that I’m not alone in my madness. Thank you.

I tell my dog bedtime stories which are usually 1 of 3 themes:

What he has been doing that day ... making sure to include his favourite words about the chicken he has eaten, the walks that he has gone on and the balls that he has chased etc.

Or I tell him about stories about what he got up to when he was a puppy.

Or I describe his body to him in superlatives whist pointing out each area ...he has the waggiest tail, and the wettest nose, and the hairiest paws, and the rumbliest belly, and the lickiest tongue, and the jumpiest fleas 🙄

I have songs for her...
Oh little tiny x, style of Coventry carol
I'm a tiny x, in a tiny world, Barbie style
Tiny tiny tiny dancer, Elton John
Girlfriend!

Ask her not to shout out the window or at the telly. Also belly belly good, for shame.

Yes all a bit bonkers

Oh that's just the spoilt one.To the other one...

You're the best boy. Is this your couch?
Stop giving out to me while I throw the ball
Get back on you couch, is it the best? You're the best.
Who wants treats!

So do I.

Also "Mum will be home soon" "Did you miss Mum then?" and "No, that's my tea. You've had yours."

All recent quotes.

"Can you not stick your nose in your sister's bumhole?!"
"Do not slap your children"
"Don’t you dare shit there, you know better!"
"Are you going to be sick?! Oh no, erm... 'GULP GULP GULP BLEURGH' ...and it's on my bed"
"Did you actually fucking shit in my handbag?!" (He did)
"Oh god, someone's been sick on the kitchen floor... NO! NO! DON'T YOU EAT IT!"
"Holy shit what was that, oh fucking hell it's a rat. It's in my shoe! Oh it's okay, shhh shhh I'll just put you outside" (rat escapes the shoe and runs around the house with me blocking running cats until I get it to run into a boot, cover the top and tip it outside),
"Why are your feet orange?"
"Oh my god, what was that?! My back is warm, oh fuck what did you just do?!" (Turns out males can still spray after being fixed many years ago, especially on what they think is their territory - me).
"Your full body weight is on my boob with one paw, GET OFF!"
"I’m having a wee, would you like me to come and shout at you while you're having a wee?"
"No, a second storey window is not an exit"
"Oh you're in a carrier bag again, okay"
"Who has the brain cell today? It's clearly not you"
"Don’t you hiss at me young man!"

• 7 fixed cats

"Can you give her a bit of peace please, you randy bastard?!"
"Oh please don’t be dead!"
"How the fuck can you piss and jump at the same time?!"

• Two fixed rabbits (he's a humper, the female sleeps slumped on her side every now and then).

"Oi madam! Would you like to be dragged around by your neck?! Be nice to your sister!"
"Please don’t hide the mince!"
"My hood is not a good place to sleep because it's bloody hard to breathe!"
"Nope, out of my tshirt!"
"You are not going up my pant leg!"
"How's the view from the top of my head?"

• Two fixed ferrets

I have mice and guinea pigs too but they are much more well behaved

Same. He is the tiniest puss in all the world, and the most beautiful most tiny puss.

@Nooshoos123 This thread has reassured me that I’m not alone in my madness. Thank you.

Same.

One of my cats always knows I'm on a diet because he brings me some grass to go with the dead mouse he brought me. I always say "thanks but I'd rather make my own salad". Dh usually feeds the cats but I do it when he's out. Both cats then wait for dh to come home. They come galloping in after him, meowing that nobody has fed them for a week and a half.

God I’m glad it’s not just me. One of mine involves “bunny hunt” and a rhyming word.

This made me laugh.

I have 3 cats. They each have their own theme tune. 🙀

I've given my 2 cats a full on lecture on their behaviour and their systematic ruination of the stair carpet. They did both dutifully watch me throughout my rant, then fucked off upstairs to fight again. 😒

"Stop bullying the neighbour! You're making her cry, that's so mean!"
Like as if they'll turn around and say "oh ok sorry mum, I didn't realise" 😆

Thank you for this deranged joy.

My dog has taken to pulling plants up so now when I let him out I say sternly 'you can go out but we don't need you to do any gardening, thank you'. I wonder if my neighbours might hear and think I'm talking to my husband!

Also I talk to my chickens and it always comes out in a welsh accent (I'm not Welsh). Hulllooo chick-ENZ!

Oh I talk to the cat in a comedy French accent ('You arrrrre une tiny bebe! Oui oui oui!' /aggressive snuggling)

Heard a neighbour once shouting at her dog crossly, 'Don't you understand English? I've told you not to go on the flowerbed'. She meant it, I'm sure.

I speak to my cat in French and she answers! T'as faim, chérie ? Bah, ouais, maman !_ etc in a funny squeaky voice that sort of comes from DH's direction (odd that).

I tell our spaniel that I love her more than anything and that she’s a good kisser. I sing to her a lot and ask her to come and help me do jobs around the house. She trots around after me and wags her tail so I know she understands me. I never knew you could love a dog so much.

I have 5 or 6 silly made up names for our dog and she answers to them all

I caught myself telling my standard poodle to "rise above it" and "use your inner resources" when he lunged and tried to pick fights with rottweilers and alsatians. He was a big softie but seemed to assume that (with my help) we could take them. I blame myself for rescuing him when he was attacked by a bad tempered golden retriever, forever afterwards he assumed we were an invincible fighting team.