Autistic women assemble! #4

[RainbowZebraWarrior]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

Thread 3:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4979068-autistic-women-assemble-3?reply=136877684

Thread 2:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Thread 1:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

Welcome @MrsEmmelinePankhurst 😊

Why do I keep buying jumpers? I can't seem to stop.

😂😂😂

In fact, I seen to remember mentioning this on a previous thread.

Jumpers, jumpers, jumpers.

I have to hide them from DH.

A jumper is a cosy shield against the world. It's not just a garment, it's a cave.
I have more pyjamas than day clothes, and would happily just stay in jammies forever if I didn't have to go out and cosplay as a Normy occasionally.

I absolutely love a jumper. Comfy knitwear is everything. Can I say hi? I'm not diagnosed yet but I am deep in burnout, both myself and my GP are pretty convinced I'm autistic. I will be looking for a diagnosis at home point. My DD is on the RTC pathway for both autism and ADHD. Just trying to rest and recharge and rediscover myself. I'm lucky that my GP has signed me off and work are being supportive but DH isn't convinced and wants me back to how I was before. He doesn't get it and I'm too exhausted to make his brain work as well as my own.

Hello everyone. Welcome HighFive.

I've just got an email saying I can now make my first appointment (online) for my assessment with psychiatry.com. Eek.

Jumpers - I love my hoodies; jumpers are too itchy. :)

I also love cosy stuff too like pyjamas and soft things like dressing gowns you can curl up in

Hello everyone

Hope you don't mind me posting. I don't have an autism diagnosis, I just suspect I may be on the spectrum.

I am in my late 30s and feel so confused. I have always felt 'different' but I don't know how much of that is just being naturally shy and quiet and not coming from a big family (I am an only child).

I actually do OK socially these days. I don't have a big circle of friends, but a few people who I really 'click' with. They tend to be 'quirky' types too. I think they value and appreciate my friendship, which is lovely.

I feel very far behind in life though. I do have a partner, but was late to finding a relationship. I don't have children and am scared to have any in case I do have autism and pass it on.

I feel a bit childish in ways. I enjoy soft toys still for example. I have always felt like that there is this tier of life that I can never reach - 'proper adults, proper people'. Sometimes I just sit and observe others doing life. They seem so much bolder than me, they have the confidence to do things that I struggle with. I am a real worrier. I have anxiety and I also suffer with OCD and have a secret eating disorder too. 🙁

I think I have low self worth. Even now I am feeling bad about writing all this as it seems self indulgent and like I am wasting peoples' time having to read it all!

I just don't know what to do. I blame myself a lot fot being 'different'. I think about the things I could have done differently, but realistically, could I? I have always been me, and I have always felt different. Now I am getting older it is coming to a head.

I am happy in some ways. I am a very creative person. Being alive does bring me joy and I enjoy nature and just appreciating the little things. But there is still that sense that I am different and 'not good enough' because I am not quite the same as other people.

Thank you for reading!

Hi @Starfish89 and welcome. Are you pursuing a diagnosis?

Have you taken the AQ50?

Not at the moment. I don't know what to do. I feel in some ways that if I did receive a diagnosis it would help me 'forgive' myself for feeling / being different.

I have just done the AQ50 test and scored 26 so not particularly high.

Hi everyone, especially @Starfish89 - you've inspired me to post. Joining the thread as I've found it helpful to read everyone's stories. I'm mid-40s and over the last few years have suspected I'm autistic. I've felt 'different' for most of my life but put that down to having a slightly unusual early family make-up when compared with my peers. Some of my relationships and life events make much more sense when seen through an autistic lens - I'd always assumed it was me just being 'not like the other girls' and fairly rubbish at relationships etc. No diagnosis here; unsure if I'll pursue one as I am not sure it will benefit me much. AQ50 score of mid-40s though. I love a jumper although I have some fairly specific requirements (unsurprisingly!) - natural fibres, not-itchy, not too tight especially around the neck, must sit below the waist, no scratchy labels etc. Tend to buy pre-loved clothes as it means someone else has worn them in.

@FloozingThePlot Thank you, glad my post inspired you. I love jumpers too and definitely agree that too tight around the neck (or the cuffs) is unbearable!

I'm glad it's not just me. I can't stop either! I can't fit anymore in the wardrobe, but I still bought another one this week. I have very specific requirements with knitwear (with most things really). The jumper/cardigan must be made in Scotland. No made made fibres under any circumstances, no itchy wool, no scratchy labels and the sleeves have to be a particular length.

Welcome @Starfish89 and @FloozingThePlot

The self forgiveness, greater understanding of self and acceptance of self that comes with/after a diagnosis, in my experience, is priceless.

I’m autistic, raising an autistic child, come from a probably very ND and very undiagnosed family…

I’m historically not great at ‘connecting’ with other autistic women, so, yeah. But maybe that’s because I’m autistic.

😂😂😂

Exactly! But not all made in Scotland.

The labels get cut out.

I HATE LABELS.

The labels get cut out.

This has to happen in our house. My son in particular cannot tolerate them at all.

Scratchy fabrics are also a no-no. Even buying good quality natural fibres some things (e.g. lots of types of wool) are just unbearable. One of my jumpers which is just about ok for me if worn over another layer, my son will not hug me if I am wearing because it is "too scratchy". So mucj stuff has to be sent back. My daughter will only wear fluffy/ soft things. Hates being cold so walks around like the michelin man even though house is kept at 22•C minimum. 🤣 She's still there with her electric blankets on and asking me if we can light the fire yet in early Sept as soon as school goes back from holidays. And both of them HATE socks with a passion. Tights... when the school uniform stating that I just laughed. It's never going to happen.

Why do I keep buying jumpers? I can't seem to stop.

I have this problem. See also: coats and jackets. 🤣

Hello @Starfish89 and @FloozingThePlot . Welcome to the thread!

It is a very personal decision whether to pursue diagnosis. I think the consensus here, and from other autistic women I know, has been that it can be a shock to get a diagnosis even if you have referred yourself for assessment and were expecting it. It is a lot to process because you reframe so many memories and understand your own life in a different way, particularly as the diagnosis report is detailed and personal: it's not just "you are autistic/ not autistic", it will go through the different diagnostic criteria and your specific profile on the various aspects of the spectrum and how these impact you, so suddenly there are areas of self-understanding. There can be a bit of a process of grieving for how life could have been very different with a diagnosis and support in childhood, but on the other side usually comes a sense of relief and self-forgiveness (as we all have a tendency to have blamed ourselves for having struggled in various situations, not knowing at the time it was due to autism and therefore beating ourselves up about it which does so much damage over the years). It often provides a way to then start to design a life which is a bit kinder to yourself, make positive changes. I don't know anybody who regrets having decided to be assessed and have diagnosis (or not!) confirmed.

My opinion is that the self-understanding that comes from it is very healing and worth its weight in gold. It has also led me to find others who are similar and understand as they've had the similar experience of being women who lived much of life struggling undiagnosed, which has been an incredible source of support here and elsewhere. I have lots of lovely NT friends but the real understanding of the lived experience of late diagnosis autistic women and solidarity and mutual understanding we have through that has been invaluable to me, after spending a large proportion of my lifetime of being misunderstood.

Hello! I hope you can connect with some of us here (if you want to 🤣).

We're not all the same, are we, just like any other group of people.

I love jumpers too and definitely agree that too tight around the neck (or the cuffs) is unbearable!

Omg yes. Polo necks. What completely insane person came up with that?! No, I don't want to walk around all day feeling like I'm being strangled. 😒😣😆

I hope you are ok and your DH starts being more understanding. A supportive GP is so important so it's great you have that. Burnout is horrendous and can take months or years to recover from, especially if you still have a lot of pressures outside work... like an autistic child to care for!

DS is asking why I didn't pursue an autism diagnosis for him when he was young and struggling, as he is now linking so many of his issues to autism and the adult diagnosis pathway is very long here.
Looking back, we just put our own accommodations in place, like unpicking labels (cutting them out left sharp threads), serving safe foods with options on trying a mouthful of other food, leaving places if any of us got overstimulated, and planning a "runabout" activity before anything that needed focus.
Thinking back, his 40-minute tantrums were probably meltdowns, but I'm not sure I'd have done much different if I'd recognised them as such. I used to make sure he was safe, read my book, and wait it out until he was calm enough to continue.

But @InMySpareTime if he didn't know why many things were much harder for him, that may have had an enormous impact on his self-esteem and self-understanding. He may have made different choices about what kind of life to design for himself as an adult, also, if he had this self-understanding. And it isn't just about accommodations being made at home - although that is admirable and more than many of us received - but about his needs being understood and met in other environments e.g. school. The ability to be able to advocate for yourself later and explain why you won't put yourself through absolute torture to meet other people's preferences and not feel guilty about saying "no". The impact of living without a diagnosis can be immense and the effects of this can impact someone's entire life: even when they finally get diagnosed as an adult, the damage cannot be undone and they have to go through a grieving process for the child they were and how different life could have been with proper support and understanding and an explanation.