Are you close to your MIL?

[arlequin]

I'm a mum of 2 boys who are absolutely amazing. I really hope I can continue to be really close to their families if and when they grow up and meet someone.
Are you close to your MIL? I am close with mine although she lives far away so we don't see her as often as we'd like.

No, but then neither is my DH. He comes from a family that just seem emotionally distant from each other, but with no animosity. It seems very odd to me and always has.

We have a polite and friendly relationship with her and see her once a week.

I get on really well with my potential future DIL though, she's lovely and I care about her very much.

I wasn't close to my late MIL or late SIL. Nothing against them, but our interests really didn't align. I was always very polite and hospitable when we met, but we didn't see each other often. They were both very much 'if you don't like the answer don't ask the question' sort of people which isn't me at all. DH is totally different; in fact he and his sister are (or were) chalk and cheese in every respect - he's very much live for the moment, enjoys life and has lots of varied interests whereas she could be quite insular, especially later in life.

In addition, I'm the second Mrs Wine and I often wondered if they both resented me for that, despite DH and his ex having split up at least 10 years before we got together. I know they kept in touch with his ex and she used to visit.

DH and I were having a heart to heart one day when we were out, and I said to him that had it been another life me and his sister would definitely not have been friends and he said he could see that. He found it difficult and sad, but totally understood.

I am, closer than I am to my own mother. I see my MIL more than my husband does 😂 I take my son round to see her every week.

Not at all close. She was very critical until I had 'the grandchildren' and has since been on her best behaviour. My MIL is very close to her elderly MIL and is her full time carer. She is aware that I won't be replicating that relationship!

I loved my MIL very much and miss her every day. A quiet, gentle woman.

I used to be but around 7 or 8 years ago she did something absolutely horrific that while it did't affect me directly it meant I could never look at her the same way and distanced myself from her.
Her resultant tantrum made me realise that she was a lovely lady - unless you didn't support her deluded view of herself and the world in general.
Now I am civil and reasonably friendly but I leave all arrangements to DH and I don't have a relationship with her myself

Mines a superstar. I wish we spent more time together.

Yes, I adore mine. She's a sweet, tiny little Irish catholic lady and has been nothing short of amazing for our entire relationship. She clearly dotes on her son (my DH) and her daughter (equally amazing) but she doesn't overstep boundaries.
My only gripe is that after lockdown she's become terrified of falling over when out and about meaning she's now become quite agoraphobic, so it means the walks and going out are a bit tainted by her panicking about 'falling' even though she's still perfectly mobile. It's such a shame as she's effectively disabling herself when she could be doing so much more, she won't accept help or admit it's down to fear (the family have tried everything and she's been tested top to toe so definitely no physical reason for it). I miss taking her out!
But I genuinely like her more than my own mother!

I'm not very close with my mil. I tried to be close like a daughter she never had but she was far too busy scheming behind my back, gossiping and far too invested in trying to pick certain aspects of my life to paint a negative picture of me to dh her son in a derogatory way and even going into lengths in doing the same about my family which is a red line she should never have crossed! I tried to form a relationship with her and I am a very thoughtful, easy going person but it's very difficult to trust someone and bond with them who constantly uses their energy to scheme and make me look bad in her sons eyes. I can explain more but I wish she wasn't like this as I wanted to be close to her like I am with my own mother but her jealousy gets in the way.

From the other side of the fence, I have a DS and two DDs, and am as close to my DIL as I am to my DC. She's like another daughter to me and we have a relationship quite separate to the one I have with my DS, meet up for lunches etc. and genuinely enjoy each other's company.

No. She was terribly intense when DH first introduced me to his family, almost stalked me, tried to get together all the time, would even turn up at my office because "she was in the area". I found her nosey and insensitive, she's also too "casually racist" for me. It was way too much too soon, so I made excuses most of the time. She was a bit insulted, I think. Then my mom died and she upped it to 1000%, kept telling me how she'd become my mother now, tried to replace her (all while I was still intensely grieving), just kept pushing and I just couldn't do it anymore, went very LC myself and left all contact to DH. She's still trying to ingrate herself into our everyday lives - I have no problem with her being in our life, but whenever we let her in a little she tends to try and take over like a hurricane, so I keep our contact very low and only see them for special occasions and holidays.

No, we are just very different, nothing to do with her being my MIL. I am close with my SIL (brother's wife) and nephew and she has a good relationship with my mum as does my brother with her mum. It just depends who the IL is!

No we're not close, but we have a nice friendly relationship.
She suffers with mental health issues, basically (without sounding awful) she's become very simple and childlike, she takes medication for it, her hygiene isn't great and she can't work,
When I'm with her I try and struck up a good relationship but she's not capable of giving enough back to create one,
DH describes her as a thicko, which I think is harsh, she's just very simple and unaware.
Sometimes I envy friends who have a great relationship with their MIL and who help out with the kids. But I guess I should be grateful we don't have a bad relationship!

Yes, she is an amazing woman, mother, and now grandmother to my kids.
She makes our world a much better place.

I had a half decent year long relationship with mil.. When dc was born she dumped all of us. Haven't seen her since dc was 3 months old. Over 9 years ago.

I loved my MiL very much, and miss her now she has passed. I miss her on my husband's behalf as well as our children who she adored, and personally as well.

She was a great mother to 4 boys, who never 'imposed' herself on any of them. But they all held her at the centre of their families even though she didn't live near to all of us as we are quite geographically distant. She was always invited to someone's Christmas, another's holiday etc etc. She was loving and supportive to all her daughters in law, respected our wishes re parenting etc.

I hope I can manage the same when my 2 boys are adults. (I also have a daughter, and tbh she is already so independent at 13 it is more likely to be her that disappears!)

Not really.

I used to be, but over the years she has become unreasonable, demanding, selfish and plain rude.

I avoid her as much as possible now.

Yes, for the 30 years I’ve been married she’s been more of a mother to me than my own mum. She’s kind, warm and gentle. She’s a wonderful grandma to my boys and adores her great grandson. She’s not too well at the moment and it makes me cry when I think she might not be here anymore. She is genuinely one of my favourite people in the world.

I get on well with my DDIL’s too, Our DSes arrange when they come to see us, or if we go to see them we do it through our sons. Our DDIL’s aren’t their PAs. I love our DDILs, they make ours sons very happy, so that’s the most important thing,

Yes very close. She lives a 5 minute drive away and looks after our little one 2-3 days a week. She’s an amazing woman.

Yes I am close with mine. I speak to her more than my DH does. We communicate more, she'll always text me about get togethers etc. We go out for the day and I'm going away for the weekend with her soon. I love her to bits and we have a lovely relationship.

I think reading MiL threads on MN must be very dispiriting for mothers with sons.
Try to remember that MN only represents a relatively small and very skewed sample of the population. People are much more likely to post if they have a problem with their MiL than to say "Actually, she's fine and I like her".

My MiL didn't like me especially because DH and I lived together (in the late 1980s) before getting married. She was quite old-fashioned and was terrified I'd get pregnant. We managed to get along appropriately though.

She didn't take much notice of older DD when she was born because her own daughter had had a baby a couple of months before. We still managed to get along though.

By the time I had 2 DDs, she turned out to be a brilliant GM for the toddler stage and my DDs adored her. I would say I got to love her too, because it's easier to love someone who obviously loves your children.
So for the majority of my marriage I'd say we got on very well indeed. My DDs had a very loving relationship with her which benefited them (and her, I hope!) enormously.

I'm sure if MN had existed and I'd posted about some things that happened/were said in the early days I'd have immediately been advised no/low contact and she would have been called names.

So glad we just persisted in just trying to keep getting along. Ultimately it was a relationship that proved immeasurably valuable to my DDs and I got a lot out of it too.
DH was probably quite relieved as well.

My DDs are now married. One is low contact with her MiL because her husband is and I understand the (quite extreme and relatively unusual) reasons he has.
The other gets on really well with all her in-laws as, I'm sure, do the majority of people. You just don't read about it here.
Never forget that MN isn't like all of real life - just a little section of it. Not unimportant, but not necessarily representative of the majority.

I love my MIL very much and FIL as well, they are both absolute legends. DH and I socialise with them (and DH's aunt and uncle, who are probably our best 'couple friends') a lot as we genuinely enjoy their company. Loved my late first MIL very much too. I realise I have been incredibly lucky!

Not really. I'd have been open to being closer but it hasn't happened.

She's nice enough but we're very different and I'm not sure she really approves of me.

It's fine.

No I'm not. She has many DIL and you could say she has her favourites, DH says she hates all of us she just hates the "favourite" ones a little less. I don't think that's true of course. She doesn't mince words and she is the last person that would be two faced.
She's difficult to get on with, yes, some would say she's hard work but I find her good company when we do see her (about once a year). She can be very funny. We live very far away from each other, so she is happy for us to stay with her. I do think DH has a strained relationship with her, maybe a personality clash as he was more like late FIL. She occasionally sends money to all her children for the grandchildren so she is very generous even if she seems quite hard faced. People show kindness in different ways. She would never phone me but I don't phone either. She would speak to her sons instead. I honestly don't think anything bad of her. All her sons moved away and from her perspective she is between a rock and a hard place. Probably, she would love more contact but feels she might step on the DILs' toes. I think MILs often get a bad rap, especially on MN. Yes I know some are beastly and there is no excuse for it, then again sometimes DIL can be expecting too much or there is a clash of personality.