Why do some women despise me for not being neat?

[Tarene]

I am lots better at math and science, and even art, than I am at being neat.
I don't have a dirty, messy place, but I do have clutter on my tables. I live in a small apartment, so it's hard to find enough space at times. I also like to write books, stories and poetry, so I have lots of paper around.
This all seems to make other women despise me a lot. I was told by my oldest friend that she didn't mind my messiness, but other people would. That was even though I thought that I'd cleaned like crazy before her rare visits to me. I was dropped by her, but try to feel relieved, because she bragged a lot about her money, trips abroad, and her perfect house.
She was not the only one despising me, though.
Should I try harder to be neat? I find math and all of the other things easy. But cleaning like those people do is beyond me. I seem to get confused, and never know where to start, and so on, whenever I try to make my place a showpiece like theirs. I can do math in my head, but not cleaning!

Despise is a strong word.

Mess stresses me out (AuDHD), but I don’t despise it.

I’m sorry I don’t understand how that translates to her despising you.

have you used the wrong word. Maybe despise doesn’t mean what you think it means?

Despise is an incredibly strong word. And how many people have seen the inside of your flat? Your level of clutter may translate to someone else’s level of hoarding and that may make them uncomfortable but I doubt it makes them despise you. If you know your flat makes people uncomfortable, perhaps meet up elsewhere.

im clean. im always clean but im horribly chaotic with things like my desk and i cant keep track fo things at all. paperwork, emails, post its, phone numbers. i dont even know why i cant keep track of things but its always been something ive struggled with, it doesnt help that ive got problems with my memory which have got worse in recent years but i was always chaotic before then and losing track of stuff, i just do my best to keep things in a state where theres clear floors and its at least clean. i guess if it bothers people, im not forcing them to come here and either i can go visit them or we can meet somewhere else. i really do try to keep on top of it but its a struggle no matter how many systems i try to make it tidier

I'm a bit messy. My house never looks like a show home. I have never felt that people despise me. I'm a bit baffled at why you are contrasting this with you being good at maths. I can't see how that's relevant tbh!

I couldn't care less what my friends homes are like. I like my own space neat and tidy because I find mess in my own space quite anxiety inducing. If a friend dropped you because your own home is messy , then there is something wrong with them, not you.

People are VERY unlikely to "despise" you because of your clutter.

Your post comes across as if you are ND in some way, that might be why you struggle with friendships rather than because of some clutter...

When you say some women it sounds like you just mean this one friend's imaginary 'other people'? Ignore her! How your house looks have fuck all to do with anyone else.

"Clean" (not dirty) and "messy" (chaotic) are different things! I am clean, but admittedly chaotic. If I fall off my decluttering rota, stuff just piles up. If you struggle with clutter, try tackling it on a schedule - every second Wednesday or something. If you struggle with actual cleaning, try getting a cleaner every 2 weeks or so?... If that genuinely concerns you.

@whichmag you absolutely can. Clutter is essentially a "decision fatigue": do I keep this spare charger wire, where does this amazon box go, oh - a local newspaper might read that later (never do), a recipes booklet from supermarket, things meant to be sold on eBay which been sitting in a box for months, piles of clean but unfolded laundry, and before you know it, it is all cluttered and messy.

@whichmag my house is not cluttered, as being aware of my tendencies I am following a declutterring rota. And you are quick to jump on assumptions and judgmental.

Despise is a very very strong word.
Do you genuinely think women despise you because you are messy?

I'm a woman and hand on heart I honestly don't give a shit how you live. I think you'll find that's how most people are tbh.

If I loved you I might be worried if you were hoarder level or your home was a healthy hazard.

If you were an acquaintance I'd probably just avoid going round to your house.

But despise? How many women in your life do you think despise you and what does despising you look like?

What a strange binary - maths/clutter or being ‘despised’.

Friendships and life don’t work like that op. If want a friend you need to be a friend. True friends will love you for your eclectic and intelligent nature. But it works both ways. You need to embrace and forgive their idiosyncrasies too.

I'm trying to think of a situation in which I could say I despised a person.

Perhaps if I was supporting someone who said they had cancer, but it turned out they were lying.

I have a cluttered house and can well imagine someone judging me for it. Not despising me though.

I would very much doubt anyone despises you because of mess. If they don't live with you, they wouldn't even care. If you're losing friends, it's another reason.

I really really doubt anyone despises you for being messy.

I actually agree. Unless people are regularly moving all their clutter to clean underneath it/clean the clutter itself and then putting it back where it was, it’s unlikely the house is ‘cluttered but clean’.

Honestly, OP, I think your problem is with the people you designate as ‘friends ’. I have a large, chaotic, semi-renovated house where my belongings have to fit into currently habitable rooms (so there a punch bag, and a clothes rail in the living room, as well as a couple of thousand books), I’m unapologetically untidy, we have people around a lot, and no one appears to ‘despise’ me.

Can you explain a bit more about what maths has to do with your way of living and why you choose the word despise?

The fact that you think you can have things sitting in a box for months and also be clean shows you're not 'cluttered but clean' because that eBay box will be gathering dust and dirt just by sitting there and will be dirty. And anyone who needs a planned fortnightly declutterring day has a hoarding issue. Sorry.

The fact that you think you can have things sitting in a box for months and also be clean shows you're not 'cluttered but clean' because that eBay box will be gathering dust and dirt just by sitting there and will be dirty. And anyone who needs a planned fortnightly declutterring day has a hoarding issue. Sorry.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

What a strange "pick me" type of post! It's like you're waiting for someone to come on here and say it's so fantastic you are good at maths & art, and then kindly suggest that you could be neurodivergent which is something you probably know already but want to hear it again from strangers.