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Original poster

Is it offensive to ask why someone never had kids? kid

115 replies

Roundtheroundabout27 · 03/07/2024 23:02

I come from a religious community where ppl mostly get married young and have families and life revolves a lot around family lifestyle. It would be offensive to ask anyone in the community why they didn't have kids.

I'm highly pregnant and going to meet an elderly'ish client out of the community who never had kids.

Just trying to understand if it would cause offense to discuss if this came up?

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 03/07/2024 23:07

Yes extremely offensive. I’m waiting for round two of IVF and if someone asked me this I’d probably break down and cry. Lots of good reasons for people not having kids that they might not want to discuss. Also, it’s none of your or anyone else’s business.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/07/2024 23:08

It's a huge invasion of privacy. I wouldn't dream of asking anyone that question.

PurpleWhiteGreen123 · 03/07/2024 23:10

My cousin never had kids and I've never asked why. It's a deeply personal question.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Ozanj · 03/07/2024 23:11

You can’t be that religious if you even have to ask this question. Tsk tsk you definitely won’t be going to heaven with this lack of empathy.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/07/2024 23:11

Just trying to understand if it would cause offense to discuss if this came up?

How do you mean 'came up'?

If they bring it up then no, obviously.

If you bring it up then you'd be massively inappropriate.

Hazelville · 03/07/2024 23:12

Yes it is very offensive and none of your business.

GrumpyPanda · 03/07/2024 23:12

None of your fucking business.

TheDandyLion · 03/07/2024 23:13

I don't think it's offensive but it's none of your business.

JC03745 · 03/07/2024 23:14

I would never ask someone why they never had children! Yes, its rude. So you come from a community that would never ask such a question, but are asking on MN if you could discuss it??? I'm not sure I understand your question.

Firstly- its none of your business and there could be SO many reasons.
Infertility, husband died young who knows.

IF someone mentions it 'Oh, I see you are pregnant, how lovely. Fred and I couldn't have children due to XYZ' I'd listen and say my sympathies. I wouldn't delve deeper into the reasons why they didn't have children!

As someone who TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and had no cause for infertility found- I've been asked this numerous times. I've found it extremely hurtful, upsetting and at times offensive.

Touty · 03/07/2024 23:14

Don’t ask the question.

LordPercyPercy · 03/07/2024 23:15

I know British people find it am offensive question. It isn't offensive where I grew up though so might depend where you are.

TheTripThatWasnt · 03/07/2024 23:15

Yes. HTH.

bunnypenny · 03/07/2024 23:16

You can ask someone if they have kids.

but if they answer no, never ask them why they’ve never had kids.

its that simple. Why do you think it wouldn’t be offensive to ask outside your community?

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 03/07/2024 23:17

Absolutely inappropriate and potentially highly offensive to be so intrusive. None of your business at all. Talk about the weather!

Touty · 03/07/2024 23:17

I get lots of nosey people fishing for information as to why I don’t have any; why is it important?

adviceneeded1990 · 03/07/2024 23:18

JC03745 · 03/07/2024 23:14

I would never ask someone why they never had children! Yes, its rude. So you come from a community that would never ask such a question, but are asking on MN if you could discuss it??? I'm not sure I understand your question.

Firstly- its none of your business and there could be SO many reasons.
Infertility, husband died young who knows.

IF someone mentions it 'Oh, I see you are pregnant, how lovely. Fred and I couldn't have children due to XYZ' I'd listen and say my sympathies. I wouldn't delve deeper into the reasons why they didn't have children!

As someone who TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and had no cause for infertility found- I've been asked this numerous times. I've found it extremely hurtful, upsetting and at times offensive.

It’s such a horrible feeling isn’t it? 😞

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 03/07/2024 23:18

It’s not offensive at all imo but I’d say if you’re overthinking it already it’s best not to ask at all

Rookie93 · 03/07/2024 23:20

Completely inappropriate to ask anyone why they did or didn't have children. It really is none of anyone's business unless an individual chooses to share such information.

TowerStork · 03/07/2024 23:26

If someone wants to tell you they will. Asking is horrific and none of your business.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/07/2024 23:33

It depends how you say it, but it is hard to word it in a way which does not sound hostile or accusatory - in general why questions can be quite confrontational. At best it sounds like asking someone why they did not do something 'normal' which implies there is something wrong with them or their choices. At worst, you will find people with heartbreaking stories who are really hurt by it being brought up. People will tell you if they want to. Then by all means, discuss away.
'

lazzapazza · 03/07/2024 23:37

Asking that question is about as appropriate as opening her handbag and having a crap inside.

VotesAndGoats · 03/07/2024 23:43

Roundtheroundabout27 · 03/07/2024 23:02

I come from a religious community where ppl mostly get married young and have families and life revolves a lot around family lifestyle. It would be offensive to ask anyone in the community why they didn't have kids.

I'm highly pregnant and going to meet an elderly'ish client out of the community who never had kids.

Just trying to understand if it would cause offense to discuss if this came up?

It's just a bit ignorant. Some people won't know why they never have kids. Some will have difficult stories. Some may not yet and may not know if they will.

I haven't yet and I don't know why. I mean I personally am coming to terms with it, but it's a vulnerable topic to discuss with someone I don't know.

Appalonia · 03/07/2024 23:50

Please don't ask. You have no idea why. It could be that they grew up in an abusive family environment and didn't want to feel trapped like their mother. Or there may be health reasons that they don't want to discuss. They may have had numerous miscarriages.

But the worst thing is, if you are childless, when someone asks and you say no, the implications are that there's something wrong with you. And you know you're being judged for it. It's a horrible, humiliating feeling.

I could tell you the reasons I don't have kids, but you REALLY wouldn't want to know...

Appalonia · 03/07/2024 23:57

Just wanted to add, I really appreciate your sensitivity and kindness in coming here and asking us. It's very thoughtful and I hope the responses have given you opinions you may not have thought about before. X

StaunchMomma · 04/07/2024 00:00

Your religion and background aren't at all relevant - it's basic manners to not ask people personal questions.