Is it offensive to ask why someone never had kids? kid

[Roundtheroundabout27]

I come from a religious community where ppl mostly get married young and have families and life revolves a lot around family lifestyle. It would be offensive to ask anyone in the community why they didn't have kids.

I'm highly pregnant and going to meet an elderly'ish client out of the community who never had kids.

Just trying to understand if it would cause offense to discuss if this came up?

Imagine asking that to women who yearns and aches for children but can’t have them or someone who has lost a child or pregnancy. especially so with you being pregnant yourself. It won’t only be highly insensitive it’ll also come across as very very smug and like you’re rubbing salt in open infected wounds. If you’re looking for a conversation the weather will do!!!

Offensive? No. Insensitive, yes.

I think some people use “highly pregnant” when your pregnancy is very obvious and affects how you are moving and coping with different tasks so highly likely the topic will come out in a conversation. This expression is probably based on “highly visible”

Yes of course it is.

I would say it has literally nothing to do with you and you have zero need to know that about them. Unless you regularly ask women (and men) why they chose to have children?

In Britain it's offensive, It's a invasion of someone's privacy and possibly their medical history

It took me 6 cycles of IVF, multiple miscarriages and immune therapy to get my son.

No, I wouldn't have been offended if someone asked me why I didn't have children but I would have been pissed off if they didnt then sit and listen to me telling them exactly why and what I was doing to remedy it in fine detail.

It could be upsetting for them especially if you don't know them very well.
If people ask me 'do you have kids' I tell them yes I have a DS but he passed away. If they look embarrassed or shocked I don't care tbh because they asked.
I'm from a Catholic background and married young so I imagine lots of people ask me for this for the same reason you're thinking this.

No you never ask.

If they volunteer the info then that's fine. Sometimes people want to tell you!

I do assessments in peoples home and I do ask if they have children as it's relevant but never ask why not if the answer is no.

Yes it bloody well is.
I never ask people why they don’t have children. It is very insensitive as one does not know whether it was their choice not to have any or whether they were unable to have children

It is really intrusive and not something you should ever ask.

If you’re old enough to get “highly pregnant” then you’re surely old enough to know that question:

A) could be very upsetting for a lot of people: and/or
B) often comes with a lot of judgement which is belittling/upsetting/isolating for a lot of people.

Yes, it would if you asked it. If they brought up why, then fine, but asking someone else when you don’t know the backstory would be egregious.

I'm trying to imagine a situation in which you would actually need that information in order to provide someone with a professional service.

You say the question would be considered offensive within your religious community, presumably because it would be thought intrusive and potentially cause distress. Why would it be any different outside that community?

Yes, it's offensive and potentially extremely upsetting.

I have been TTC for 5 years.

If you asked me why I didn't have kids, it would be an extremely invasive question that would require me to share intimate details about my reproductive system.

You should never ask it - especially in casual conversation/ someone you don't know all that well.

There's only two real answers to this question anyway.

They didn't want any
They couldn't have any

What more do you need to know?

It might be awkward for them to be asked this by a pregnant person! Especially if the answer is "because I think it looks awful ".

It’s not offensive.

but it is nosey, rude and potentially very hurtful and unkind.

Massively offensive. They may have had many miscarriages, they may have tried desperately for years and never said, their child may have died at birth. How bloody insensitive are you?

Yes, I'd say it was offensive.

I think it's over-sensitive to get offended by people simply asking if you have kids, as long as they move on if you say no.

But asking why they don't have them is offensive because it's none of your business and there's a high chance of a painful answer. The only non-painful answer is "I don't want them", anything else is going to be awkward and upsetting.

What would you say if she said something distressing to you?

Like she was worried about dying in childbirth or that her husband might have an affair when she was 'highly pregnant' or fat after having a baby or that child cost half a million pounds to raise and she would rather spend that on something else? Or that she despises children and feels like they ruin your life?

That would make for an awkward visit.

Generally speaking, assume that people outside of your community are pretty similar to people inside your community. I’ve seen people from closed communities worry about this kind of stuff so often - I know you get taught that people outside it are different, but really most of us have the same worries and the same joys.

In my younger day, such a question upset me. Now I am in my sixties, I am not asked as often, but on the rare occasion I am asked why, I just reply ‘ Gosh, how rude!’
Generally shuts that one down.

No one can be this dense, surely?! Of course it could cause offence. It might not, but there's a chance it was not the choice the woman wanted to make and could be very painful.