Is it offensive to ask why someone never had kids? kid

[Roundtheroundabout27]

I come from a religious community where ppl mostly get married young and have families and life revolves a lot around family lifestyle. It would be offensive to ask anyone in the community why they didn't have kids.

I'm highly pregnant and going to meet an elderly'ish client out of the community who never had kids.

Just trying to understand if it would cause offense to discuss if this came up?

It's not something you should ever ask. Imagine how you'd feel if you'd spent years trying to conceive or had suffered with miscarriages or stillbirth? It's a very personal thing to ask and best avoided.

Well, as someone who only had her only child a few months short of forty, it was irritating because of the frequency, even leaving aside the invasion of privacy.

But what I think is odd here is that you are already dwelling on this fact about this client before meeting him or her — I mean, is this really the most significant thing you can think of about this person?

Yes. It took me years of ttc, ivf, miscarriages, and injecting every hormone known to man into my body before I finally managed to have DS. Never ask this question.

We're all different, some people want to have children and some people don't. Unfortunately there are lots of people who would love to be parents but are unable to or are currently trying to get pregnant. Best not to discuss unless the person wants to speak about it.

It's rude to ask such a deeply personal and sensitive question. Even worse than asking someone how much money they make. Taboo subject.

What the bloody hell is highly pregnant? You’re either pregnant or you’re not.

Do you mean in the later stages of pregnancy?

Anyway, doesn't matter. None of your business is the answer.

I'm struggling to imagine a scenario in which it would be appropriate to ask such a personal question of an "elderly-ish" person with whom you are interacting on a professional basis. In what way would you expect this topic to come up in conversation? The only thing I can think of is if, as a PP has already mentioned, your client says something like "How's your pregnancy going? You must be excited. I would have loved children but sadly it wasn't to be." In which case the appropriate response is something along the lines of "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm doing well thank you, not long to go now." Then you return to whatever your business with the person is, not demand more details as to why they are childless..
I guess there must be some professional circumstances, such as if you are delivering health or social care when you might need to know if a client has any children but I can't think of any when you would really need to know why they haven't. If you don't have a legitimate professional reason to need to know personal information about a client then you shouldn't be asking it.

Ask them why they haven’t got a hamster?

There are so many other wonderful questions you could ask, questions that allow the dialogue to flow with ease and comfort. Ask them about the experiences they have lived, not about the experiences they haven't known.

Or why they never became a submariner?

It’s one thing that is definitely none of your business, ever.

Yes, offensive. It's none of your business.

if you do it super direct, yes. out of order and rude.
if it comes up naturally through a chat about family and you know them well so you are comfortable with each other - prob ok to chat about, but still need to be sensitive in case there are emotional reactions

ultimately, empathy and compassion are more important than the words you use

Hella yeah it's rude.

Maybe in your community, start teaching manners.

If they want to discuss it they'll bring it up, if they want to tell you why they'll tell you. Completely unreasonable to bring it up at all or ask leading questions even if they bring it up. If they're childless by choice its none of your business and rude to ask. If they wanted kids it's likely to be a very hurtful thing to ask. They could have been through infertility, had a cheating or abusive partner, they could have lost a child, had lots of miscarriages, had some jerk run out their fertile years by future faking. It's too likely to cause harm, so don't ask.

It would be very inappropriate to ask this question at all. Please don't.

There can be all sorts of very personal reasons why people do or don't have children which are nobody else's business at all.

Speaking as someone who doesn't have children and is elderly-ish, no it wouldn't be offensive to ask me, but it could be intrusive especially as I wouldn't know you well. You've no idea why a person doesn't have children, there could be a painful history behind it. I'm not sure that the person involved would just bring up the subject themselves, especially as you are pregnant.

To be honest I don’t even ask people if they have kids, let alone why they don’t.

There’s a myriad of possible answers when people don’t have kids, many of which would be uncomfortable for most people to discuss.

I’d say that it’s fine to ask why someone doesn’t have children, provided that you always ask parents why they have children. If you don’t want to do the latter, think about why it seems ok to you to do the former. The underlying assumption really does need examining.

Yes.
Unless your are like that with them I.e have a good friendship and discuss life things then thats ok. But if a stranger then no. No. No. No.

Why do you need to know?

Yes, very offensive. I also still get asked if I’m pregnant (I’m 53 and have a belly but have never been pregnant) which is just as bad.

Just don’t. Ever.

Yes.

Don’t do it.

It might be commonplace. Thay won't make it any less hurtful for people who wanted kids but couldn't have them.

What would you do with the information if you had it?

Have you thought about why it’s not ok to ask that question in your own community, and why those reasons would / wouldn’t apply here?

I’d just tell you I preferred cats, which I do, but I would think you were being nosey and inappropriate for asking given that some people would find it an upsetting question.