Anyone else not invisible in middle age?

[MadYoke]

I've read a lot about women becoming invisible as they age but haven't experienced it myself. I'm 60, and I feel quite seen, at work, and just generally. I was wondering if it is about not being desired by men, rather than not being seen? That is probably true, it just doesn't bother me too much. I've gotten more assertive as I age, perhaps that has countered the invisibility? What do others of my age think?

I'm 60, still feel visible and heard. I think it's the confidence I have now that I didn't have as a younger woman.

I've got a very lovely husband who I wouldn't trade in for the world, but a much younger colleague had a very obvious crush on me last year. I've never been bothered about my effect on men, I've been with DH since we were young, but I will admit to being quite chuffed about that one!

I'm in my mid-60s and have never felt invisible. I don't get (much) male attention, but I don't want it! Happily living alone for years, and have no wish to change that.

I am early 50s and don't feel invisible at all. Just been on holiday with my DD and there 3 men helped me with things who were fellow guests, and about 3 asked me if I was my daughter's sister. 😂DD, 18, complained I was getting more attention than her, and said when I didn't go on a walk they were all saying how amazing I was to travel to Borneo after cancer treatment with just my daughter and I. One time I did feel invisible was when I had to give up work to look after SN child but that was women more than men.

I feel like you and I are having a different conversation to everyone else! And some people are being slightly offensive. I wasn't invisible when younger, i am not unattractive. I 100% do not give a shit about strange men fancying me... i'm talking about people, of both sexes, not seeing me.
Yes, people talk to me when i'm out and about. I'm reasonably confident. I have friends and go out often (not sure why some women are stating that as a reason not to be invisible?). However, people walk into me. Stand in front of me in queues. Don't seem to see me waiting for a table or service in a restaurant or shop. These are the things i mean. But apparently it's just us.

I think this is probably the best time ever to be an older woman. Just look at all the female celebrities who are still rocking it, like Kylie, Cher, Madonna, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Aniston, Jessie Ware, Reese Witherspoon Shania Twain, Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda etc.

Also recently there's been a couple of films about younger men falling in love with older women ( something that you used to hardly ever see! ). The Idea of you with Anne Hathaway and A Family Affair with Nicole Kidman. And in these films, you never think, what is he doing with HER? It's a sign of the times.

Do hate tho how assertive older women do get called
' Karens' tho, horrid.

I think what TV, Film and advertising are also waking up to is the fact that older women in general have a bit/ lot more money to spend than our younger selves.
Money talks!

I’m delighted to see this thread. The other threads talking about middle aged invisibility are so depressing. I’m mid-40s and don’t feel invisible at all, my early 40s were actually the time when I almost felt more male admiration coupled with respect at work than ever before. My family obviously see me and as I put more effort into friendships I’m feeling more seen there too (I’m just coming out of the baby/toddler years). I was not looking forward to it all falling around me at 50 so it’s good to hear that may not be the case. Who really cares about men on the street and in cafes if you’re seen by work, family and friends (I’ve no idea if randomers see me or.not?!). My least seen years were probably the year/18 months after giving birth each time, when I was tired, no make up, overweight, then I remember being over looked by tradesmen etc.

What an awful way to describe a woman.

Who really cares about men on the street and in cafes if you’re seen by work, family and friends

Exactly. Plus I chat to people of all ages (not specifically men) in cafes and shops, on dog walks and on holiday and they chat back. I think the British are a chatty lot - other than the misanthropes of Mumsnet, of course!

I’m 52 and definitely don’t feel invisible. I’m in a senior role at work and feel pretty valued. I’ve never experienced being ignored in public. By my husband on occasion, yes.

Still get lots of (unwanted) male attention.

Great post, and I agree it was when I was pregnant/with small baby even the pervs became respectful.
But it hasn't stopped in my 40s, only increased. I get asked for my number more. Still get far too many sleazy looks that make me feel like prey. I think I look better and have a hell of a lot more confidence. My mum and aunts said the same, and people in general respected them more as they aged. Felt more a part of society than ever, engaged with them. What has stopped is the teenage fetish men and now I just feel protective of teenagers when I see it happening.

Alternatively, they got a lot of male attention when young and feel invisible now it’s gone?

I became “invisible” (to many men) by becoming fat in my late 20s. It was great, so much nicer to just live my life without male gaze bullshit.

I do find people who don’t know me will talk over me or turn to my husband to ask things, but they get short shrift.

However, people walk into me. Stand in front of me in queues. Don't seem to see me waiting for a table or service in a restaurant or shop. These are the things i mean. But apparently it's just us.

Again, I think it comes down to different perceptions.

I think the things you describe happen to most people.

So if and when a random person doesn't notice me, I assume it's a problem with them - i.e. they're oblivious to their surroundings or just ill mannered or not good at their job. What I don't do is project motive onto the other person and assume they're choosing to ignore me because of my age and sex.

I don't want to diminish your experience but I do want to suggest that maybe if you assume you're invisible you become invisible. Take back your space!

I'm retired in my 60s and I have never felt "unseen."

So much of this is about attitude.
It’s how you hold yourself, walk and how you talk and interact with others.

Smile, laugh, make conversation.
Too many older women shy away and make themselves invisible.

All those you name have had extensive work done, so they do not appear like normal older women. It may be the best time to be an older woman if you can afford a good surgeon, otherwise it’s creams and potions, botox, fillers and a lot of hope!

Wikipedia says middle age is from 45 to 65, which sounds about right to me. At 54 I don't feel invisible, however I don't really care if I am.

It may be the best time to be an older woman if you can afford a good surgeon, otherwise it’s creams and potions, botox, fillers and a lot of hope!

No need for surgery, fillers, botox - most of the women listed don't look young or good ... just weird. People who are engaged with life are the most attractive.

Met a guy today who I dated in my early 20s and felt like I had loads more sexual confidence and control than I did back then, and I’m 51. Back then I was so insecure but I walked away from our little meeting today knowing I’d totally won him over. By the time i got back home I had four texts practically begging to see me again. And he’s younger than me. So no, I don’t feel invisible quite the opposite!! That was first date since divorce, can’t wait to do a few more. So much more rewarding than when young and feels far sexier too just because there is no worry of having to have kids, settle down etc. 50s is totally liberating. But it takes work to look good of course whilst in your 20s of course it’s effortless.

I think saying middle aged is fine for 60. We all know we’re not going to live to 120 but its certainly not ‘elderly’ ffs so I’m sure we can all understand the term.

I’m 53, feel 35 and am just coming to terms with ‘middle age’ as my demographic.

I agree that ‘Senior’ sounds American and I wouldn’t encourage it. (DH is from Ohio and he dislikes ‘Senior’ too, strangely).

I just want to say this is my favourite thread of the year! 🖤 Such a tonic against all the invisible depressing posts.

I was always invisible, so haven't noticed any change. Spent my teens and twenties with short cropped hair and in weird clothes which had much the same effect on men as middle age thankfully😅 (Avoiding being bothered by men was not the intention, but I realised in retrospect a very happy side effect)

I’m 51 and I wear baggy clothes and rarely dress smart - a casual dresser is what I am and therefore have never attracted attention. Underneath though I have a great body. I work out a lot. Recently I’ve stared flirty texts with a guy I know who is an ex from years ago. He last saw me naked 25 years ago. One eve I was in my room and I took a topless pic of myself for the first time ever as wondered what I actually would look like if I posed a bit etc. so took it, felt a bit embarrassed doing it, but fuck me picture was brilliant. I look amazing in it and actually burst into tears as I just thought of all those years of confidence issues wasted. So, coincidentally the sexting with ex got to a point where he was cheekily asking for a classy picture of me in a state of undress (he lives far away so we cannot meet yet). So I was like no way. But then I thought I want desperately to share the picture I took. So much to ex’s surprise I sent it to him. I know the risks. My face is turned away from the camera. If it got out in the public realm I honestly wouldn’t really care I am quite proud of this beautiful picture I took of me - no filters, no editing, no make up, just me in my knickers in an elegant pose on my bed taken quite quickly.

anyway, ex was absolutely floored by it. He can’t get over it. Literally he’s like ‘omg I’m massively turned on’ Turns out a 51 year old body can have more fire and power than a 25 year old one. He was never that wild about me back then I’m sure!

so ladies, change your mindset. You have power, you just need the confidence to reclaim your fire 🔥 .

I'm still me, not invisible and bored stiff with people banging on about the menopause and "peri.

Hear, hear.

This has happened to me. At work, I am just saying what I've said for the last 20 years, but now am a wise experienced person who has started to be quoted in meetings!

Bizarre!!

I'm 58 and have never been invisible.
I'm still bigger than average after losing five stone but I'm glamous (beauty industry career).
I've earnt some of my highest salaries since I turned 55.
I was at lunch in London last year and was sent a glass of champagne by a football legend. I had no idea who he was or his friends but they were very dapper. My friend was gobsmacked when she arrived. I never recognise famous people so I smile and say good afternoon to all. I did it again last week. I am happily married but I do like to admire beauty.