What do you teach your daughters about how to walk home safely late at night in fairly empty urban streets?

[loveyouradvice]

Just that really....

Tiny back pack + rape alarm and keys in each hand? Keep alert...

Anything else??

If someone pulls up to ask you something never go up to the car you can stay well back and answer or give directions.
Don't be afraid to run into front drives/gardens bang on doors or lounge windows if you can see a light.
Obviously only in a desperate situation or if being chased.
If you think you are being stalked or followed talk loudly on the phone to someone or again try to go to a house, people are generally kind if you explain you are scared.

I live on my own & don’t drive. One of my top priorities when choosing where to live has always been being able to get home as safely as possible at any time of night - hence now living 10 mins walk from a tube station & 5 mins from a bus station with night buses, in an area with lots of late night takeaways & restaurants. Also never being drunk enough that I can’t get myself home, & wearing shoes I can run in.

I know it’s not that simple for most people but it’s always worked well for me. If I didn’t live in London I’d definitely be budgeting for taxis more often.

If it's so easy to avoid, can you please tell me how I get home from work in winter when it's dark by the time I leave work at 5pm? I don't own or want to own a car or a bike.

This isn’t practical or proportionate. What are you going to do - get a taxi back from the tube station that’s a 10 minute walk from your house every time you meet a friend after work? No one does that.

Sadly this.

When I was a teenager my dad had a rule that no matter the time/place or state I may be in he would always come and get me. No questions, no telling off about where I was etc.

Traveling in a car is the most dangerous thing we do regularly. It’s almost certainly more dangerous to drive than to walk.

So what do you do when you live in a city and get public transport home at 9pm on a Monday night because you’ve get a friend for dinner after work? Don’t walk back from the tube station that’s 10 min walk away from your house? You’d probably spend longer hanging around trying to get a cabbie to take yoh 800m than you would walking it.

I've never spoken to my young adult daughters about this. I don't want them to be scared of something that gives them freedom to be independent.

I've also been attacked (not on the street) and I'm aware that the sheer physical difference between a man and a woman means I had absolutely no chance of escaping - keys, pen, whatever. A man can almost always do whatever he wants to a woman.

@RichardMarxisinnocent I drive so that I will never be in this situation.

@Icanttakethisanymore London is a bit of an exception and driving in Central London is a pain, for sure. Not sure what the answer is there I'm afraid!

I just narrowly escaped so many situations in my 20s I just arrange my life so I'm rarely/never in this situation anymore. Although granted it's a lot easier when you drive.

So by very easy to avoid, you meant very easy to avoid when you own a car? I can drive, and i could buy a car (though I don't want to) but that wouldn't help me avoid my walk home from work in the dark because I live too close to be able to get a parking permit.

It's a moot point though, because I don't actually want to avoid walking alone in the dark. My walk from work is down roads which are full of cars heading home from work (I live in a city) and the walks I do later than that are 5 minute walks from the bus stop to home. I don't wear headphones, I wear a cross body bag, and I try to be aware of other people who are around, but I don't do any of the other things suggested (well I don't wear high heels but that's because i never wear them anyway).

I’d tell them not to. I was told the same by my parents and has it limited my life? Yes. But I would rather be safe and I consider it good advice. At uni I’d joke to friends that if I was out after dark I’d turn back into a pumpkin! Didn’t go to a bar once. Honestly does not appeal to me at all. I’m tiny and would stand zero chance in any physical altercation, and the risk:reward ratio was not enough for me. Big urban areas are also not appealing to me for the same reason. I’d never judge or victim-blame a woman though, it’s ridiculous that it’s something we have to think so hard about.

That said, I think there’s a big difference between dark and it being late at night. 5pm in winter is dark, but still far safer than 1am any time of year.

My goodness, it doesn't matter the statistical probabilities of risk in any situation – taxi, walking, someone you know, someone you don't know.

We know as women that there are risks in life – of course you'd teach your daughters some strategies for navigating them!

You teach your kids how to cross the road safely. You teach your kids basic First Aid. You teach your kids how to cut with sharp knives – not based on statistics or probabilities, or to 'fill them with fear', but to give them tools to use to take care of themselves.

Nobody says that teaching kids to look both ways before crossing a road is 'teaching them fear' – it's just smart to know.

Debating about what's 'more risky' is sociological theory. Parenting is practical love.

OP, your daughter has been through something horrible. You equip her with whatever she needs to feel a bit safer - and know that her confidence will regrow with time and with care. There is nothing wrong with giving her tools she can hold on to in moments when she feels vulnerable, and in so doing learn that most of the time she will be OK, but if something ever knocks her confidence she's not entirely out on her own with nothing to call on.

And more than anything else, she'll know that her feelings are valid, and she;'s being taken seriously and met exactly where she is by someone that loves her. That's worth its weight in gold.

Yep. It’s a huge difference to walk home in late November at 6pm when plenty of people are still around or 10-11pm after a meal and drinks.

I walk home from the station, approx 20 minutes. We rejected some houses where I would have to walk through a park as I didn’t feel comfortable.
But a normal residential street is perfectly possible.

Yes that's commendable to alter male behaviour unfortunately there will always be men with evil intent.

They have never walked any distance alone at night. They know to always stay with their friends and if that's not an option they both have Uber accounts linked to my credit card.

Some kind of self defence classes or something like Aikido. There are online self defence courses but I think a recommended real life course would better.

There’s a difference between feeling safe and being safe. Saying don’t walk home alone makes you feel unsafe, sure, and no-one wants to live like that. But - that’s where we are.

Precautions just make young women feel more empowered to do a dangerous thing. They might help if you’re lucky but they don’t ensure a positive outcome. Unless they’re experts in hand to hand combat, or whatever these lone young women are carrying will enable them to floor an assailant, they could still end up raped and beaten unconscious in a hedge. Or worse. When I was attacked I froze. It’s a common response. So - why get into a situation where you might need to fight, and may not be able to?

If by some misfortune there are no taxis or parents to give lifts or whatever, then okay, you might need to run the risk. Use your precautions and hope it won’t be you that night.

As an aside, I would also suggest young men don’t walk home alone. As both a female victim of stranger assault, and the family member of two men who’ve been set upon, just for being there, I’d say anecdotally, the best defence is appropriate footwear and a turn of speed. Better to get right out of it than fight. So wear flat shoes and train for a really fucking fast quarter mile, while you’re at it.

The same things I did as a teenager - no earphones, avoid alleyways and be alert

I have no friends who have been seriously sexually sassaulted by strangers in the street. I have 2 friends who have been attacked by taxi drivers. If I can I’d rather walk.

I started becoming aware of them from 'grounding' techniques from trauma therapy and also from some sources on Instagram/books.

Some Instagram accounts:
Rebekah Ballagh 'journeytowellness'
'HealthwithHolland'
'TheWorkoutWitch',
'RyanRoseEvans'

Also i can highly recommend reading 'The Body Keeps the Score' which explains impact on the nervous system, ways to overcome when it gets stuck in the sympathetic response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn).

I hope it helps x

Keep to the busier route, walk on right side so traffic coming towards, backpack or cross body bag, shoes you can walk properly in and crucially be alert which means don't walk home drunk and no headphones.

Just saying don't isn't helpful because they will at some point need to walk home and need to learn how to.

My mum always told me to keep my keys in between my fingers to use as a weapon.

Walk in the middle of the road if it's abit secluded.

Share location

No headphones

Trainers or shoes that don't clip clop

Know your area

My DDs are young adults and have been taught this, I do the same, none of us are afraid of going out at night. Men are statistically more likely to be attacked at night - the fact it's headline news when something happens tells you how rare it is

@loveyouradvice just to add to the somatics/nervous system stuff above and the debates on avoiding things. It may be helpful for your daughter to understand that the opposite of uncertainty is not certainty, it is self-trust. We will never be able to guarantee certainty (and trying to do so stimulates lots of anxiety and control issues) but we can build our self trust, through building confidence, measures we put in place, self defence classes and knowing we can and will cope whatever situation presents, just as she is coping now.

I did all the same things with my DD re walking in the road, using well lit roads, only one earbud in, holding keys etc. She let me know she was on her way and would sometimes call me for a chat and I would sometimes walk up the road to meet her when she was younger. She did have to learn to do it as we live in London and if you want a normal social life she you couldn't expect to get a tax/Uber every time she went out after work or with friends. Same as me and my friends. We have ample public transport close by so it's not long distances that we need to walk at night.

Shes now 24 and comes back all hours of the night - but often coming some of the way with local friends. She uses her own judgement about getting Ubers when necessary. It's the same way I've lived my life.