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Original poster

Play dates - why don’t people reciprocate?

106 replies

Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:26

Is it just us? Do I know lots of CF’s or is this just a thing now? I have two teens and a 4 year old and I can count in one hand the number of invites my kids have received to go to friends houses during the last 10 years yet their friends are round here all the time!

My kids do have mild SN which might feel overwhelming, I guess? but then so do lots of their mates. My kids are sweet kids who behave most of the time (especially if they are around non family adults.) they are a bit fussy about what they eat but nothing that a bit of plain pasta or a burger can’t sort.

Is it because I have 3 kids so maybe people feel they have to have all three (which they definitely don’t)? or is it that our house is kid friendly and a bit scruffy and people don’t want to mess up their show homes?

I love having kids over to play but I do feel a bit sad when my kids ask to go to their friend’s houses but no invitations are forthcoming.

OP posts:
Circumferences · 28/06/2024 13:31

Hmm.
That's a bit sad for you, sorry.

I have a sort of unwritten rule that if I give tea (eg) to a child then it's their place next time for my child, then we sort of swap round, but I mention this right in the early days (not in a rude way, just casual). But most parents have the decency to do the same in return?

Maybe it's the SN thing, or maybe you have been too much of a soft touch....

trextape · 28/06/2024 13:32

teens?

They invite their friends over not the parents

trextape · 28/06/2024 13:33

Circumferences · 28/06/2024 13:31

Hmm.
That's a bit sad for you, sorry.

I have a sort of unwritten rule that if I give tea (eg) to a child then it's their place next time for my child, then we sort of swap round, but I mention this right in the early days (not in a rude way, just casual). But most parents have the decency to do the same in return?

Maybe it's the SN thing, or maybe you have been too much of a soft touch....

how do you actually word that??

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Families
LaWench · 28/06/2024 13:36

I hated hosting playdates. My house was tiny, I hate mess. I don't like the responsibility of caring for other peoples kids. Allergies were a particular worry for me and didn't want the kids to hurt themselves. There's a reason I'm not a teacher or childminder.

Sometimes the other kids were cheeky and I'm quite strict and expect manners. When mine were small I worked FT so did manage to avoid most of it but I wouldn't expect my kids to go to theirs if I couldn't reciprocate.

Original poster
Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:36

To be fair, the oldest of my three does organise his own social life to a certain extent ( mostly meeting mates in town) but my middle child (12) is less independent so he still needs his social
life organised as does the 4 yr old. It’s my younger two I feel most sorry for although the eldest went through the same non play date thing when he was younger too.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 28/06/2024 13:37

This is a very common thread so it's not just you.

Common reasons are:

  • because they work
  • because they are ill/disabled
  • because they have an ill/disabled child
  • because they are embarrassed about their home
  • because there is someone who works nights trying to sleep
  • because of overcrowding/their home is very small
  • because your children aren't as well behaved as you think they are
  • because they just don't want to

All you can do is concentrate on what is in your control i.e. who comes to your house. If your kids enjoy having their mates over then carry on. It is a shame that they don't get invited back, but there isn't really anything you can do about it, just remember that people have all sorts of crap going on in their lives.

StrangewaysHereWeCome · 28/06/2024 13:40

There are lots of reasons why people can't reciprocate - vulnerable people at home, working hours, a shift worker at home, building projects, cramped spaces...

I did always find it helpful if someone mentioned that though. I didn't feel a need to know why, but if a parent says "little Johnny does love coming to yours, it's unfortunate that we can't host right now" then at least I knew my kid wasn't doggedly pursuing a one-sided friendship, which I worried about otherwise.

Heatherbell1978 · 28/06/2024 13:41

I rarely host play dates because I work full time. It's common where I am for kids to be invited on a Friday afternoon (half day in Scotland for school). I can have my kids here when I'm working but not anyone else's.

Similars · 28/06/2024 13:42

When I invite children to our house, I do it because my children have asked for them to come and play and we have time for it to happen. It’s for my own children’s benefit. I don’t do it expecting a reciprocal invitation.

So if my children are invited elsewhere, it doesn’t occur to me that I then owe them an invitation. They’ll get one, if my children ask for them to, but it may not be for a while as it can be hard to find the time.

Original poster
Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:43

Exactly Strangeways! I feel if people were up front it would be much less confusing. I have no problem having someone over on a non reciprocal basis if there’s a good reason it’s just if nothing is said I start to feel taken advantage of and a bit of a sucker.

OP posts:
trextape · 28/06/2024 13:44

Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:36

To be fair, the oldest of my three does organise his own social life to a certain extent ( mostly meeting mates in town) but my middle child (12) is less independent so he still needs his social
life organised as does the 4 yr old. It’s my younger two I feel most sorry for although the eldest went through the same non play date thing when he was younger too.

so the 12 year old regularly has friends over that you arrange to come over with the parents?

trextape · 28/06/2024 13:44

and the 4 year old…. the parents stay or drop and go?

Original poster
Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:45

Trex - yes at least a few play dates a month.

OP posts:
trextape · 28/06/2024 13:47

Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:45

Trex - yes at least a few play dates a month.

the 12 year old? and what do they do? after school? weekends?

Original poster
Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:49

The 4 year old has friends that are dropped off (after the initial checking out coffee where parents stay to check we are not monster raving loonies etc😀)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:50

Mostly the 12 year old’s play dates are on the weekends/ holidays but we also step in if his friends need somewhere to hang after school or if school kicks out early ( like the last day of term etc).

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 28/06/2024 13:51

People don't want to and don't have to. You are welcome to arrange playdates if you want to do that, but you are unreasonable to expect they must be returned.

trextape · 28/06/2024 13:52

presumably very early days with play dates and the 4 year old so give it time

and i’d let it go with the 12 year old. He’s at secondary. If others want him over to theirs… they will invite him

PFBGirlAlert · 28/06/2024 13:52

I only organise for my 12 year old if I want a catch up with the mum. Else I let her organise everything, but she has to check with me first. She prefers to go to other peoples houses, mainly because DC 1 is always here.

Cant really have other people over when DH is working from home.

I never really dared take other peoples children out anywhere as it was sometimes all I could do to keep track of DC1.
DC1 is better now, but we were never sure how he would be after a day of school so planning was hard.

Original poster
Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:56

DS 2 has mild SN (autism-and adhd) and can’t handle independent travel yet so he doesn’t experience that going home spontaneously with a mate thing that most secondary school kids do.

OP posts:
trextape · 28/06/2024 13:58

Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:56

DS 2 has mild SN (autism-and adhd) and can’t handle independent travel yet so he doesn’t experience that going home spontaneously with a mate thing that most secondary school kids do.

but is he invited by his friends?

Coconutter24 · 28/06/2024 13:58

Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:43

Exactly Strangeways! I feel if people were up front it would be much less confusing. I have no problem having someone over on a non reciprocal basis if there’s a good reason it’s just if nothing is said I start to feel taken advantage of and a bit of a sucker.

Maybe they do have a good reason to not reciprocate but they maybe feel it’s none of your business or that they shouldn’t have to explain themselves. If you want play dates at your house that’s your choice but not everyone can or even wants to do them which is their choice

trextape · 28/06/2024 13:59

the fact his friends mothers aren’t contacting you for a reciprocal “play date” is not in the least bit surprising

i sure as heck don’t for my 13 year old

BananaLambo · 28/06/2024 13:59

In addition to what others have said, sometimes people are just more sociable. I am always happy to host play dates/have friends over now they’re older, but I don’t worry about the house being ‘guest ready’. It’s usually a bit messy and I don’t mind if they make a bit more, the guest eats whatever we’re eating, there’s usually a packet of biscuits and some squash they can help themselves to if they’re peckish, and I just let them get on with it. We have been to play dates though, where the host is noticeably anxious, the house looks like it has been prepared for royalty, special food has been bought and is laid out with napkins etc. and the host is hovering round like a clucking hen. I can see why people would struggle with play dates if that’s they felt they had to go to that much effort to be welcoming.

trextape · 28/06/2024 13:59

Cocteautriplet · 28/06/2024 13:56

DS 2 has mild SN (autism-and adhd) and can’t handle independent travel yet so he doesn’t experience that going home spontaneously with a mate thing that most secondary school kids do.

So you collect him and bring him home?

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