Play dates - why don’t people reciprocate?

[Cocteautriplet]

Is it just us? Do I know lots of CF’s or is this just a thing now? I have two teens and a 4 year old and I can count in one hand the number of invites my kids have received to go to friends houses during the last 10 years yet their friends are round here all the time!

My kids do have mild SN which might feel overwhelming, I guess? but then so do lots of their mates. My kids are sweet kids who behave most of the time (especially if they are around non family adults.) they are a bit fussy about what they eat but nothing that a bit of plain pasta or a burger can’t sort.

Is it because I have 3 kids so maybe people feel they have to have all three (which they definitely don’t)? or is it that our house is kid friendly and a bit scruffy and people don’t want to mess up their show homes?

I love having kids over to play but I do feel a bit sad when my kids ask to go to their friend’s houses but no invitations are forthcoming.

I WFH. I have anxiety. I have a very small house so there is nowhere to 'go' to keep away from the kids. Fortunately, most people are understanding when I explain that I will find it hard to reciprocate.

@Circumferences please come back and update re how you tell parents you expect a reciprocal arrangement?!!

I'm happy to host play dates without any reciprocation. We have a large house, I work part-time as a primary school teacher and there is plenty of space outdoors to play in. It's easy for me.

I organise these because my DC want them; not as quid pro quo.

I always find my DC are far better behaved when they have friends round and I no qualms about addressing poor behaviour in other DCs!

Yes I take him to and from school. I don’t think he gets invitations- he’d definitely tell me if he did. His best friend asks to come to ours though several times a times a month. He’s lovely so we love having him but it does add up £ ( we tend to get them a take away / organise a day out if there is a sleep over.

relax on what you do
normal dinner
and no “days out”
they probably just want to chill and game together and maybe a kick around in the garden anyway

so if he’s not getting invites to hang at his friends…. then it’s more likely at this age that they aren’t doing the inviting rather than their parents not reciprocating

to be fair, on another thread you describe your son as needing “full support” at school

I'm slow to offer because I just feel stressed and awkward around other people's children. I don't even know what to say to them. And I've had a few experiences of visiting children damaging things or generally being challenging.

^

I work full time and for the past year or so have had a home renovation underway and (more significantly) ongoing crisis with my daughter's father who has abused her. I have no extra time or energy to organise playdates.

It's embarrassing and difficult and also not something that I think my child wants her classmates' parents to know about.

I find play dates really stressful. I try my best to reciprocate and feel awful when I don't but both my DC are ND (and the majority of the school mums don't know this). My eldest loves inviting children over but has so many expectations of how the play date will go that I'm constantly on edge. My youngest is shy to the extreme so when eldest friends are over she hides and is incredibly scared, so it feels unfair. I'm also chasing my tail to work in the evenings so find it difficult to fit playdates in.

He needs full EHCP support at school but that’s to help him function in lessons. He’s more than capable of having a play date - he doesn’t need help with toileting /feeding / dressing / mobility things that I would class as more significant SN. To be fair he might need help with self regulation occasionally but that would be due to something upsetting him like someone being mean to him or him being very over tired. He shares well and is polite, sweet and kind.

In any case the friends he has have similar issues to himself so in theory their parents should have experience of dealing with a ND child.

Too busy with work or after school activities.
Younger child has challenging behaviour and not only smashed up the house, they might have a meltdown with other children there.

but if their kids aren’t saying to their parents … can we have XYZ over, then…. 🤷

Ok I see what you are saying … but in case of the best friend, the liaison for setting up the play date is always done through the parents so I wouldn’t expect them to organise and sign off their own thing. The best friend often asks to come over here but I always have to clear it with the parent first - they live quite a long way from school. We’ve had one reciprocal visit in 8 years of them being friends.

I hate having people in my house. Especially other people's kids who I don't know. I have let DS invite friends round but it makes me really uncomfortable so we don't do it very often at all

Up until the last few months I have been unable to host any play dates because I work full time, from home, but I'm working and not free to entertain or facilitate the entertainment of kids who need active supervision.

DD is 10 now so they knock for each other, hang out in her room or the garden, then I'll make them dinner after I finish work, so it's doable.

Meh I don't subscribe to the rule of reciprocity at all really. You do something because you want to, not because you expect something in return.

When it comes to play dates, I invite my DC's friends round because it makes them happy and helps cement friendships. If the other parents want to reciprocate - great! But I totally understand there are many reasons why they wouldn't so I don't expect it or get miffed about it if they don't

To the people that hate other people’s kids - do you let your kids go to other people’s houses?
Isn't hosting a play date something that’s part of parenting - something you do to make your child happy? I understand that there are certain circumstances that don’t allow it - ie working full time or caring for someone with significant needs but otherwise don’t we suck it up so that they can have fun?

I invite kids around all the time but I think it definitely depends on the parent situation. If a parent is on shift and sleeping or wfh I wouldn't expect an invitation. If both parents work outside the home I wouldn't either, maybe very occasionally. I was SAHM for years now only work PT term time so I guess I'm still SAHM as far as everyone is concerned and I constantly allow kids to invite friends. I'm here anyhow so why not. I don't see why it's a big deal, I just ignore them and let them get on with it. If anything it frees up my time and I get some jobs done. I don't feed them, maybe a treat or snack. I certainly don't entertain them or fuss over them, I don't think its necessary and if anything it's bad for the kids.

I agree @Cocteautriplet it's pretty shitty parenting if you don't do it simply because you don't like it. I don't like cooking or laundry, I certainly didn't enjoy the dance show or taekwondo displays I attended recently. But i do them because its the right thing for my kids. Most of being a parent is doing crap you don't like!

Work, the kids going to swimming or collecting dh at a time that means the play date would be too short and two school pick ups as well as dropping eldest into town are my big thing, plus on Fridays/ weekends we sometimes go over to mums or mils. Tbh when people ask my kids over I know it might be a few weeks before I can reciprocate and I know they got my child over assuming I’d go all in and take their child the next week! (I’ve had people repeatedly tell me what a great time they’re ds had and I’m supposed to say ‘oh we’ll have him Friday’ but then I’m collecting the teens at half four and dh at 6 so that’s not a goer!! Then one goes on one then the other speaks to a friend and next thing I know three of my kids want people over!! So it’s honestly not you, and the other person might be thrilled with the play date too but are just juggling!!!

Ps can’t believe there’s people that assume it’s parents just being selfish!!!

I occasionally set up play dates where I tell the parent "DD says your DS wants to show her his new house" but then reciprocate with tea at our house, or a park or trampoline park play date when my DS who has SEN is unlikely to be cooperative.

I agree with you - it is part and parcel of parenting, keeping up friendships and healthy social life for your child. I get that it's an inconvenience, but how are people not embarrassed accepting your invites all the time and never reciprocating? I would feel awful and would at least explain that sorry I am not able to reciprocate for X reason.