Play dates - why don’t people reciprocate?

[Cocteautriplet]

Is it just us? Do I know lots of CF’s or is this just a thing now? I have two teens and a 4 year old and I can count in one hand the number of invites my kids have received to go to friends houses during the last 10 years yet their friends are round here all the time!

My kids do have mild SN which might feel overwhelming, I guess? but then so do lots of their mates. My kids are sweet kids who behave most of the time (especially if they are around non family adults.) they are a bit fussy about what they eat but nothing that a bit of plain pasta or a burger can’t sort.

Is it because I have 3 kids so maybe people feel they have to have all three (which they definitely don’t)? or is it that our house is kid friendly and a bit scruffy and people don’t want to mess up their show homes?

I love having kids over to play but I do feel a bit sad when my kids ask to go to their friend’s houses but no invitations are forthcoming.

so this is changing

this is not a play date that you are inviting over at all.

this is a request for childcare

I think the fact you do the driving Reachedend is great! Obviously you are a decent person who is offering something back and that is the key here.
CF’s don’t do that and wouldn’t worry about not doing it.

you are somewhat changing your angle here

it’s gone from play dates

to request for childcare 🧐

Trex I acknowledge that but if someone is accepting play dates on a regular basis they will be benefiting from it even if they don’t see it that way.

I think some peoples houses become the default. Mine is like that. We've got a big 'outhouse' where the teenagers hang out now so it's getting more often !

totally different

someone repeatedly inviting my child to theirs even if i have not reciprocated… i’d think they it obviously very much suited them and / or their child needed the play dates

whereas asking for childcare is not a play date and you aren’t instigating

and if you want childcare reciprocated then you ask for it like they did to you

i don’t see my kids going on play dates at 12 as useful for me as i’d happily leave my son at 11 to go to supermarket etc and not like he demands me to play with him or wipe his bum etc

In your opinion. You are projecting your feelings.

I find play dates pretty annoying in either direction, they are disruptive and get in the way of routine!

Maybe you're doing too much. I can't afford a takeaway every time DD has a friend over, or to host sleepovers and days out for extra kids in a regular basis. I'd happily give a visiting child normal snacks or whatever normal food we were having for dinner if they were still around but maybe people think that if you are doing more costly stuff, they are a bit intimidated / embarrassed their houses / food will be poor in comparison so it's better to just not bother. DD had a good friend in primary school who came round to our house quite a few times and was invited to birthday parties. DD never went to friend's house but I know from various things said over the years they were on a low income and lived in a tiny flat. It wouldn't have made a difference to how I felt if they were wealthy though - I had DDs friend over so DD could build friendships and have fun not as a reciprocal childcare arrangement.

It isn’t necessarily a huge advantage/benefit having your kid round at someone else’s house. My kids mostly are quite self sufficient when at home. Whereas If they are round at someone’s house I have to organise getting them there and back. They are quite busy with activities so don’t really need another thing on top. It’s another thing to factor in. Plus they normally eat junk cos that’s what happens on play dates and I prefer to limit how often that happens.

I have a 5 month old and I’m dreading when we play dates with people as im not the tidiest so feel extra pressure to keep the house tidy and less chaotic. I’d definitely not do spontaneous ones and only planned ones but not often. Currently all the mums meet in cafes and at classes but I know soon the babies will be too old for cafes.

and someone repeatedly asking me child over… i’d think it was clearly for their benefit if i hadn’t reciprocated!

and presumably others independently travel home, so fact your son can’t do this - does rule out of school get together anywhere other then your place surely

I'm inclined to agree with this. We have a small townhouse but have one room set up for our teens and we have a fair number visiting.
On plus side we know everyone, what they are doing and not doing. They will be leaving home altogether in a couple of years.

I'm a mum who doesn't often invite friends here. My daughters slept over their friends quite often but one of mine has a room so tiny there isn't space for another person to sleep in the room (smaller than a typical box room) and the other shares with her older sister. We live rurally so children have to be picked up and dropped off and there is nothing here except fields whereas their friends often live in towns or the Middle of villages. Our house is small and I work with children all week so I'm disinclined to host other children at Weekends.

That said, I have hosted, just not as frequently. My children are also acutely aware our house is smaller and less posh than most of their friends houses.

I have two DC. The one with mild ASD/ ADHD has hardly ever been to anyone's house or any parties. We host often but it is never returned.
Breaks my heart when they ask about going to someone's house or find out they are excluded from yet another party.
Our Neurotypical DC gets plenty of invites to both parties and play dates.

I do it as there is an age gap between my 2 children so they have rarely played together. My oldest DS had a couple of friends where play dates were reciprocated but the youngest this doesn't seem to be the case. I still do it though as it benefits my child.

Yep it certainly seems to be a thing.. I get paranoid it's me and DS! But we asked a few of his friends to come round after-school and stay for tea and it's never been reciprocated which makes me feel bad for DS. I think people generally tend to be selfish twats who can't see past their own noses! I have given up with those mums now. Unless they actually come out and tell me if something is wrong, then they are being twats .. so fuck em!

sweet jesus

Trex - you’ve got me there I do need to be more assertive about asking for play dates/ childcare in return but after 8 years (with DS2) I don’t think it’s a case that the other family have just never thought to invite him. It’s a deliberate thing and it’s a shame they can’t tell me why. Asking for help is something I struggle with at the best of times.

DD starts school in September so I’m going to try not to offer first when play dates are suggested and see if that sets a different precedent for things to come. For one thing I think it would be very good for her to get used to being at other homes: trying different foods because her friend is / getting used to a different set up.

when you say trex

do you mean tres?

i mean true

I was just trying to reply to you - I’m on my mobile and the quote thing doesn’t seem to work for me. True works just as well though.

sorry! very thick of me

I don't know if this is similar to your case, but I think that sometimes other parents are looking for an easy opportunity for their child to be occupied outside of their house (so they can have some free time), especially if their other kids have a play date. We have often hosted, and expect a reciprocal relationship, but there have been many parents who haven't ever offered my child a return play date. And I hate brazen kids who come and ask me when they can come to play at my house (so they can run riot 🔥). Especially when my child isn't so hot on them anyway.

OP I think that some parents don't consider it important for their children to socialise outside of school/clubs. Many children prefer one on one play that play dates offer, in the safety of their own home, where they are not forced to obey school rules, but not all parents appreciate that.

😮Why are you saying that? Feeling guilty?