Play dates - why don’t people reciprocate?

[Cocteautriplet]

Is it just us? Do I know lots of CF’s or is this just a thing now? I have two teens and a 4 year old and I can count in one hand the number of invites my kids have received to go to friends houses during the last 10 years yet their friends are round here all the time!

My kids do have mild SN which might feel overwhelming, I guess? but then so do lots of their mates. My kids are sweet kids who behave most of the time (especially if they are around non family adults.) they are a bit fussy about what they eat but nothing that a bit of plain pasta or a burger can’t sort.

Is it because I have 3 kids so maybe people feel they have to have all three (which they definitely don’t)? or is it that our house is kid friendly and a bit scruffy and people don’t want to mess up their show homes?

I love having kids over to play but I do feel a bit sad when my kids ask to go to their friend’s houses but no invitations are forthcoming.

It’s also imo a massive gift to have someone host your child on a regular basis. It allows you time to have a date night / get some work done or spend quality time with the child’s sibling. I don’t think that should be underestimated by those who happily take up the offer but don’t give back.
If you don’t host, I hope you at the very least you give those that do host your kids a decent Christmas gift or at shower them with love and appreciation!

This thread is quite symptomatic of the selfish society we live in. I find it's very poor manners to keep accepting playdates if you have no intention of reciprocating them.

This was exactly my thinking.

But then I would prefer my DSs friend to come here if they wanted to, rather than have to miss out because their grown ups can't/won't facilitate the same back

Surely it's selfish to only do something so that it's reciprocated? A selfless society would offer playdates regardless of whether their friends/neighbours were in a position to reciprocate.

Because play dates are fucking awful. I hate having other people’s kids in my house, fucking stuff up, and not being able to tell them off.

Many reasons.

Anxiety
Stress
Embarrassment over home
Working
Budget concerns if food needed

Are just a few I can think of.

I noticed a few 'non reciprocals' but tbf the playdates were for DC, so didn't matter if it was at our house and not theirs. The invite was never extended to get one back.

There is that 😆

But yeah, I have a 4 year old and I work full-time. Weekends are full of parties or activities (other DC too) so not exactly sure when people want me to reciprocate.

With my older kids and I didn't work, I never invited children over to play on the basis they would be invited back. It never even crossed my mind. I invited them because my children wanted to play with them at our house, not because I wanted to foist my child over to their house next time. There was no expectation whatsoever.

I think it's more CF to expect an invite back.

Now that really IS CF. I don't have playdates to give the parents a nice time 😂You want a date night get a babysitter. You sound like Julia from Motherland.

Yep, there we have it, op wants free babysitting, a gift or being fawned over 🤣🤣🤣

True but the problem here is not about reciprocating for the parents' sake. It's the children realizing that they are never invited to friends houses and feeling left out and always playing host, never a guest.

and quite possibly… that was very difficult for them

in 8 years your 12 year old has been invited to one play date?

If you don’t host, I hope you at the very least you give those that do host your kids a decent Christmas gift or at shower them with love and appreciation!

Oh FFS OP, did you seriously just write this 🙄

I’m not talking about the odd play date here or there I’m talking about a regular thing where the parent is like ‘can you have little Jonny over while I spend the afternoon doing x, y and z’. I think non reciprocity in this case is pretty shocking. There should be some give and take in this case. If you are benefiting from free childcare on a regular basis that enables you to get stuff done in your life, why would you not offer the same in return? I don’t think I’m being a CF to not want to be treated like a doormat.

I think there can be a whole host of reasons why rolls don’t reciprocate. Not enough time or energy. Not enough space. Siblings to consider at home etc etc. it is quite stressful hosting. And if your kids gets invited, what do you do - explain your reasons and tell other parent why you won’t reciprocate. Maybe ? But sometimes you don’t want to have to explain, and is it more rude to not accept an invitation?

If the other parent is actually asking you to have their kid over then that’s a different situation altogether and very rude not to reciprocate

Are the best friend's parents or anyone in the household ND?

As that maybe why the friend hasn't invited your DS over.

You're projecting your thoughts and feelings onto others - It isn't a gift for people to host. People host because they want to host.

There are many valid reasons for not hosting, and it is acceptable for people not to host.

If you want to only host people who reciprocate, that is also acceptable.

This is a totally different situation - this is not 'hosting' this is providing childcare.

You are expecting a double standard though - they ask you, but you want them to offer. Do you ask them in return? If not, just start asking, as they do.

To put another perspective on this..

I can understand why it may be annoying when your kids are 4y etc. However, now my kids are 16-18, I love that my house is "the house" for them all to be in. It cuts down so much worry about where they are and what they're doing. I like that I know their friends, and often the parents. I like that the kids are comfortable in my house and that I'm comfortable having them here. I think it's made the teen years easier. Although I would add that my kids are generally well behaved and so far, touchwood, we haven't had any teen dramas or chaos.

When I was a teenager there were always a few houses we hung out in, I can’t remember it being a taking it in turns thing.

We live in a 2 up 2 down. Up is a double room and a single room. Single room is 5ft x 10ft. One of us works nights, so one of us is always asleep in the double room.

It has become more difficult to have kids round and they've got older because there is simply no room. So I try to reciprocate by doing a lot of the driving of kids to and from stuff. But hosting is hard.

I can't even have kids to sleep in the lounge because that's the room you have to walk through to get anywhere else, so night-worker would have to step over bodies at 8am on return to work because no other way to get into the house.

All you who refuse to host unless it's reciprocated are talking from a point of absolute privilege. Lucky you that your houses are big enough.

Yes same here. My kids have rarely been invited anywhere. We've had regular play dates for both children, but they were never reciprocated. I think people work full-time, and can't be bothered with other people's kids at the weekend.

I don’t think so Reugny, other than the BF themselves. Although now you got me thinking maybe one of the parents does and hasn’t disclosed it. Good perspective thank you. Perhaps the disturbance to routine in having some one else in the home would be too much for someone with ADD. It’s sad if they can’t say that to me though.

Maybe ds needs to ask his bf to go to his