Been called to court, I can't go, what can I do?

[Nameynameynameynamechange]

Scotland, if it makes a difference.

I've been called as a witness. Sent back the paperwork saying I'll be unable to attend, they have refused.

I have a daughter with complex medical needs, she attends school very part time (an hour per day) but that's the only time she's ever away from me. The court date is in the summer holidays too so I can't even pop in while dd is at school.

There is absolutely nobody else that can be with her (she has seizures), I can't take her with me because they can be stress induced and I don't know if she would be allowed to anyway.

My understanding is that if I don't attend they will just come on the day and arrest me and make me attend.

I'm so bloody stressed.

If I withdraw my statement would it mean I don't have to go?

I don't know what do do.

Do you have friends with children with similar conditions that might be able to help for a few hours?

This isn't really about court, it's just brought it all to the fore. You can't carry on like this - it's not safe for your daughter. A hundred different things could happen which mean you need backup - at least you've got warning for this one. With a medical emergency you might not.

I sense from you that you really value being self sufficient - with her deadbeat dad and your family estrangement, you've had to be, I get it, but it's not safe for it just to be the two of you all the time, without any plan B.

Are there mums at the school that are in similar situations? Networks you have for other parents of kids with epilepsy? Friends that are working to undergo training to help you? Even if an option isn't ideal, then I think you've got to go with the last bad option.

If necessary, have her come to court and sit in a room with someone and ask for very frequent breaks so you can check on her. They won't want you to be simultaneously caring for her as your focus won't be on giving evidence, but in the same way that breastfeeding mums are often given breaks to feed, you could maybe be given a short break every hour/45m. Not going isn't an option, as being arrested will just make things much worse. And it's vanishingly unlikely they will either let you do a video link from home or just go on a statement. Even if they did, they wouldn't allow her to be in the room with you, caring for her.

It might not feel like it, but this has at least given you a push to find emergency backup, with notice. That means it may be easier in the event of an emergency

Of course there is cross examination in the family courts, often for days on end!!

And as I said, judges much prefer for witnesses to be in court but there are exceptions to this at times. There are no staff with a witness, they should be and should swear that they are on their own.

Could you ask a charity such as Victim Support for advice.

Thank you all again.

Dd does get child disability payments, however it's not really funding that is the problem, If there was an approved suitable person to look after her then I have additional funding I can access anyway. Plus the court would pay expenses for this time as well, even if its not enough I could probably cover it. More money would always be lovely, don't get me wrong, but it's finding people that I've been struggling with (albeit now I've stopped looking altogether).

Asking anyone from school is a no go, they don't have the staff able to support her in school, so none of them would be able to take her for a whole day. The member of staff on the support lounge has my number, any problems and I'm in the school within a minute. They aren't trained or qualified to deal with her seizures.

I wouldn't say I have friends tbh, definitely no school mums as I never see see any, there are parents at book club that I chat with but they all have kids with varying needs, and it's a massive ask at this point. We don't know each others kids as such, we just have a coffee and a chat while they do their thing.

I will speak to them about it next week, see if anyone has a solution, but I know from discussions we have had that we are pretty much all in the same position wrt having funding available but no people.

I haven't been given any information about witness protection or victim support (I'm not the victim here so would it be worth contacting them) but it's something to add to the list of calls to make on Monday.

Thanks for the Epilepsy Scotland link as well, I am going to contact them as well anyway. This has definitely brought to light that I do need support. It seems to be that if you're coping OK then you're left to it, you only get help when you break, which is crap really. I shouldn't have to break before we get support.

Dd being in the courtroom itself wouldn't work, if I can take her into a quiet back room then that would be far better, if I can be with her within a minute then that would be fine. I would need someone watching her and able to get me quickly though. My ideal solution would be to have a back room, video link, dd sitting there reading or something, and an officer (or whoever does that type of thing) watching to make sure I'm doing everything correctly, but I'm not holding much hope of that atm.

Facebook would probably be a really useful tool for me to connect with other parents, I came off it years ago, dds dad and his wife did and said some pretty horrific things, so it simply wasn't worth it for me. However if I try and get on there anonymously somehow that might be an idea.

I probably have martyred myself a bit accidently. I was reaching out for support for years and never got anywhere so I do have an "I'll just do it myself" attitude now, and because we cope fine day to day I've just never tried asking again. This situation has shown me that I should though.

Thanks for all the advice, you've given me quite a few avenues to try tomorrow, hopefully I will get somewhere with someone.

I appreciate all the help and kind words.

I really didn't realise what a mess I was in tbh.

@Lyraloo thank you for your lovely answer. I'm so used to getting shouted down here

Good luck with your calls OP, fingers crossed a solution will be found.

@Nameynameynameynamechange

Re Facebook, this looks promising, OP. It's Epilepsy Scotland's Private Support Group.

https://www.epilepsyscotland.org.uk/support-for-you/facebook-private-support-group/

Thank you, I'll come back and update anyway, I'm probably not the only person in a similar situation so it could be helpful for others.

@TheSquareMile thank you so much, that's really helpful, as was the Epilepsy Scotland link. I appreciate you.

@TheSquareMile "I appreciate you" 🤣 sorry that sounds so wanky. I mean I appreciate the help.

Can you tell I'm chronically online 🤣

You're welcome.

My father had Grand Mal Epilepsy, so I wanted to help you if I could.

Totally agree with your comments! If you are a witness you must do your utmost to attend court as presumably the reason for being called is that you have important, possibly vital information that could affect the decision making of the Bench or Judge (wasn't sure if it was Magistrates or Crown Court)

OP you havent said if you have been calling nursing or care agencies, book someone in for the day to care for her.

I also thought this.
The Court has said they will pay and
it sounds imperative that the OP attends court but the safety of her daughter is obviously her main concern. Wouldn't a health-care professional (with experience of her daughter's condition) be the answer? I'm not saying everyone would necessarily be happy about it but it would allow OP to attend court knowing that her daughter was being kept safe. I hope you come up with a solution, OP, and that life becomes a little easier for you both.

She has said that it’s not possible for a stranger to care for her.

A stranger would care for her if either the mother or the daughter ended up in hospital, so it would be possible, just not ideal.

What???

I suppose this has prompted me to start the fight to get some help again though, just in case something does happen to me. I've got comfortable really, and I suppose this is one of the better ways to find out I do actually need support sometimes.

You're amazing OP. But this is probably the best thing to come out of all this. I really wish you well today and hope for some successful calls.

Asking anyone from school is a no go, they don't have the staff able to support her in school, so none of them would be able to take her for a whole day. The member of staff on the support lounge has my number, any problems and I'm in the school within a minute. They aren't trained or qualified to deal with her seizures.

Completely off the point, but it is outrageous that your daughter is at a school where no-one is trained or qualified to deal with her seizures, and that her time in school isn't being supplemented by home education. You really need to consult an Education solicitor at Govan Law Centre, as suggested, about this. I don't know what is available in Scotland, but in England there are at least two schools that I'm aware of that would be completely capable of dealing with complex seizures and it may be that your local authority should be paying for a place in one of those.

It would be surprising if a trained nurse could not give the necessary care.

if it is the school holidays would her helper be available on this one occasion?

💯 %

The op said her daughter has more fits when strangers care for her as she gets stressed.

so medically yes of course a trained nurse could care for her, but why would you risk it unless it was a real extreme incident like unavoidable a and e admission.

its one major reason carers neglect their health so much

To be summonsed to appear in court is an extreme incident and is unavoidable though - they have rejected all the OP's compromises haven't they? I'm extremely sympathetic but leaving her daughter with a caring and fully-trained professional still looks the best/only option unless you can come up with an alternative.

That’s why the op posted here. For suggestions on getting the court to allow one of the reasonable adjustments, what the court are asking of the op is not ok. It shouldn’t be this hard to do the right thing. It shouldn’t put her child at risk of a medical incident.

she does have the option to withdraw her statement

Of course it’s possible. What if op was ill or worse, what do you think would happen? Professional people are trained to deal with situations. I’m sure her mother is the best person to care for her but I think she’s got a little paranoid from being caught up in the situation she’s in. Maybe this is a good thing because it’s making her see how bad things have got! Inevitably in all our lives, things happened. Accidents, illness etc. she and her daughter cannot and shouldn’t have to continue living like this. They both deserve better.