My 11 year old dd is adamant I’m not allowed to date 🥴

[Pressstopthengo]

Separated 4 years ago from exDH he quickly got with a nice girl - kids really like her so all good. They live with each other and the kids stay over 50/50

I was full on single for three years. No dating nothing.

Last year I started dating someone, nice bloke. She knew I was was speaking to some one and his name as it would pop up on the car dashboard if he messaged. She also knew I sometimes stayed at his house. ( Her dad was a big fan of dropping them off early as I was basically doing the drive of shame home) It ended after a few months as I wasn’t ready for a full on relationship.

Since November I’ve been friendly with a guy, it’s been a real slow burner, we’ve been out for a few drinks had a couple of snogs but due to me still scared of committing I’ve really kept him at arms length.

Until now - as I really do like him. And I feel like if I get in to something with him it’s going to be long term - we talk daily on the phone now/facetime/discussing future trips ect.. he has been very patient.

My 11 year old has read my messages on my phone ( without me knowing) - nothing spicy - just us discussing looking forward to seeing each other next week.

And she has got really angry/upset. She’s read the entire thread and said I was disgusting for kissing him in his car ( it was discussed 😬)

She said she didn’t like me staying at the other man’s last year as it was unsafe and she was worried about me.

Her dad was never abusive to me although on one occasion he kicked my front door really hard because I wouldn’t let him in - after we separated - and I had to phone the police - so not sure if it’s related to that.

She really likes her dad’s girl friend but she says it’s not the same for me as I’m her mum. She’s given me a long list of things that I basically can’t do - apparently to her I can only FaceTime and not actually meet up. She said she would run away to her dad’s if I made him my boyfriend. That I’m not allowed to mention her name to him, if he touches her cat she will shave the cats fur off 🧐

I have literally done everything in my power to create a safe space/home for my kids. I’ve never had a bloke back here. Not even the guy I was seeing last year. I wanted to create stability whilst her dad was introducing his girlfriend and the kids were dealing with that.

But I know her, she is my shadow, she calls me her bestie but she is stubborn and I just know this is going to be a nightmare. I could see her mind going and she refuses to talk to me about it. I said nothings going to change but didn’t agree to her terms as it wasn’t fair.

There is no chance I’ll be introducing him anytime soon - but I’m ready to have him over - when the kids are not here.

My youngest - 8 said she felt sad for me the other day as no one loves me 😂😂😂 So I know she will be ok - even with idea of it.

Any advice on not ballsing this up but also making a path so that I could have a relationship with some one who is pretty great who isn’t being given snake eyes if they do ever meet 😬

Thanks if you got this far x

First of all make sure she can’t read your messages. Second of all, she’s an 11 year old kid who doesn’t get to decide if you see someone else or not. You say you’re a long way off introducing him so I’d just keep the relationship from her, have him over when she’s not around and she doesn’t need to know anything about it till the day comes and you want them to meet.

“I understand and appreciate your concern for me, but mummy is an adult and deserves to be happy. You mustn’t read my messages again, and if you are mean to your cat then I will have to rehome him. Nothing will change in the house and I still love you lots.”

Her "terms"?! No. You are the parent in this relationship, adult up!

perhaps if you didnt want your DD to know about any dating, you should have been a bit more discret with your messages etc.

she knows you're dating someone, and she knows you're doing it behind her back.. but she's 11.

its ok for her dad to date, but not you? stop letting her see your messages on your phone, and have a conversation with her about how you still love her and she is your world but that you are also allowed to 'live'

Yep password has been changed! And no I’ve no intention of introducing anytime soon.

I did say something similar with the deserving to happy too - but she came back with ‘Don’t I make you happy?!’

Yeah she said it made her feel ill.

I mean god forbid her mum would kiss someone. Apparently I’m too old to get a boyfriend- I’m 45

She is a child, who absolutely does not get to control your life. I would be very firm about the fact that, 'I understand that you might not like me having someone else in my life but it's not your decision to make. You are 11 and do not get to give grown ups 'rules' to live by'.

I wouldn't discuss it any more, unless she wants to and then I would reassure her that you don't love her any less - but she is not controlling your behaviour and life. I would continue to do whatever I felt like when she was at her father's house. It's not her business.

That is so weird that her dad is allowed and you're not. And why are you referring to his partner as a girl?

No honestly it was just a saying he enjoyed the kiss. Nothing spicy.

This sounds like fear of the unknown talking. You need to be seen as in charge and control of your life. Gently Shut down arguments, you are an adult and making safe choices.

And warn her the cat would shred her if she ever attempted to shave it.

She is quite a bit younger. But not the point of the thread

Wasn’t this posted last week?

Your the adult, she is the child. Proceed accordingly.

Yeah he really would. She would 100% lose 😂

I think I do need to do this. My first reaction was to underplay it - but she will accuse me of being a liar if we move forward with it.

Her dad is a compulsive liar and she hates it.

It wasn’t me!

Jeez it’s like you’re trying to rub it in her face. Of course she thinks her mums fella talking about kissing is spicy, she’s 11.
Lock your phone, be much more discreet and crack on. It’s fine for you to have a relationship, but keep it totally separate,

Ah OP I feel for you and your DD in this. She’s obviously thinking someone is going to steal her Mummy from her - bless her she’s had lots of change and this is something else for her to get her head round. But you are the adult etc., and she can’t call the shots. You deserve a special person in your life - absolutely! It’s good that you’ve changed phone passwords I’d be really careful about that!
Do you have a family member or close friend that she could confide in or talk to? A school TA or ELSA perhaps? Someone other than you telling her it’s all normal and ok might help x