My 11 year old dd is adamant I’m not allowed to date 🥴

[Pressstopthengo]

Separated 4 years ago from exDH he quickly got with a nice girl - kids really like her so all good. They live with each other and the kids stay over 50/50

I was full on single for three years. No dating nothing.

Last year I started dating someone, nice bloke. She knew I was was speaking to some one and his name as it would pop up on the car dashboard if he messaged. She also knew I sometimes stayed at his house. ( Her dad was a big fan of dropping them off early as I was basically doing the drive of shame home) It ended after a few months as I wasn’t ready for a full on relationship.

Since November I’ve been friendly with a guy, it’s been a real slow burner, we’ve been out for a few drinks had a couple of snogs but due to me still scared of committing I’ve really kept him at arms length.

Until now - as I really do like him. And I feel like if I get in to something with him it’s going to be long term - we talk daily on the phone now/facetime/discussing future trips ect.. he has been very patient.

My 11 year old has read my messages on my phone ( without me knowing) - nothing spicy - just us discussing looking forward to seeing each other next week.

And she has got really angry/upset. She’s read the entire thread and said I was disgusting for kissing him in his car ( it was discussed 😬)

She said she didn’t like me staying at the other man’s last year as it was unsafe and she was worried about me.

Her dad was never abusive to me although on one occasion he kicked my front door really hard because I wouldn’t let him in - after we separated - and I had to phone the police - so not sure if it’s related to that.

She really likes her dad’s girl friend but she says it’s not the same for me as I’m her mum. She’s given me a long list of things that I basically can’t do - apparently to her I can only FaceTime and not actually meet up. She said she would run away to her dad’s if I made him my boyfriend. That I’m not allowed to mention her name to him, if he touches her cat she will shave the cats fur off 🧐

I have literally done everything in my power to create a safe space/home for my kids. I’ve never had a bloke back here. Not even the guy I was seeing last year. I wanted to create stability whilst her dad was introducing his girlfriend and the kids were dealing with that.

But I know her, she is my shadow, she calls me her bestie but she is stubborn and I just know this is going to be a nightmare. I could see her mind going and she refuses to talk to me about it. I said nothings going to change but didn’t agree to her terms as it wasn’t fair.

There is no chance I’ll be introducing him anytime soon - but I’m ready to have him over - when the kids are not here.

My youngest - 8 said she felt sad for me the other day as no one loves me 😂😂😂 So I know she will be ok - even with idea of it.

Any advice on not ballsing this up but also making a path so that I could have a relationship with some one who is pretty great who isn’t being given snake eyes if they do ever meet 😬

Thanks if you got this far x

I’m wondering if the issue here is more the fact she is realising you are having sex with him (when just kissing is 🤮🤮 to her)
No child/teen wants to think about that re their parents.

Great that you’ve changed the password. I’d also remove texts/whatsapp appearing on your dashboard tbh. She doesn’t to know.

Oh and a very good talk about privacy.
She went way over the limits there and she knows it. A strong reminder is necessary too.

And please dint feel you have to rush back when their dad is dropping them early.
There is ‘walk of shame’ to do there because there is no shame in you having a bf.

So I wouldn’t automatically rush. You are living your life doing normal stuff, from seeing friends to shopping or going on a day out.
Let their dad know - he us pushing the boundaries there too - and come back when agreed (or earlier if convenient TO YOU)

😂😂 I feel like your really stuck on that I’ve only seen him three times.

Met him at a wedding. He added me on Facebook. He asked me out for a drink I said no as I wasn’t looking to date. But we still kept in touch as he is a nice guy and we share interests. Eventually I agreed after a couple of months to go for a drink. It was a lovely evening. Im very busy with work and don’t actually have that much spare time plus I wasn’t looking to get in a relationship which he knew all the time.

Still we kept in contact although not every day - we share interests so it’s easy to talk to him. However over the past few months FaceTimes and calls became regular and now daily and we’ve been on a couple of dates. There has been a lot going on in each others lives and it seems like all of it is clearing and yes we could actually see where it goes.

There was no pressure on either side

You've created a situation that your DD thinks she owns you and you need to row back from that.

Be open about when you are dating your new man, and reassure her that you more than enough love to go round everyone.

I split from my DP 3 years ago, and although I've not yet met a permanent DP, I'm dating and have mentioned to my DC (lower primary age) that at some stage I will meet "a new DP/DH". They had some questions around whether that would mean they'd have a new dad (they see their Dad regularly), and I've clarified for them.

It will help you to do similar m, as at 11 your DD should understand that you are your own person as well as being Mum, and will also have your own life when she is with her Dad.

I have considered she knew what I was doing when I was staying out 😬

There will absolutely be a talk on privacy boundaries

She said she didn’t like me staying at the other man’s last year as it was unsafe and she was worried about me.

Her dad was never abusive to me although on one occasion he kicked my front door really hard because I wouldn’t let him in - after we separated - and I had to phone the police - so not sure if it’s related to that.

Thai was the bit in your OP that jumped out at me. StTo be honest I think this bit might not have resolved fully yet.

It would also explain why she’s not worried about her dad having a new relationship in the same way.

Firstly, he is the one with the history of threatening behaviour. . And secondly his new partner likely isn’t a physical threat to him, based on size/strength etc.

@Pressstopthengo Gross, your ex is disgusting. Such a cliché
You definitely deserve happiness after going through that.

Crikey, I must be really strict judging from some of these replies. I would be raining fire and brimstone for going through my messages regardless of what was read/our family set up etc etc - DCs know there is a hard line crossed for going in my drawers, handbag or phone without express permission first. Being upset by what she read is a self-inflicted upset and further lesson in respecting others' privacy.

Attempting to dictate my private life would also get short shrift. I once read someone on here describing their household as being a benign dictatorship, and that's definitely the case for our family too. We all have a lot of fun together, we are kind, loving and considerate to each other, and DCs can come to us with any problem, but it is not a situation where everybody's opinion or preference carries equal weight as DCs do not have enough experience and understanding yet. DCs would definitely not describe me or DH as their bestie, nor would we want them to! I think you need to re-establish an understanding of a parent/child relationship with DD.

Put a lock on your phone

you are absolutely allowed to have friendships and relationships that do not impact your children. As long as you keep your dating life and your family life separate, you definitely aren’t doing anything wrong.

she is not wrong that women take risks when they date. I would address that issue head on. I would talk to her about what rules you follow. Things like never meeting someone for the first time in private. Getting to know someone well before going to a private place with them. Being emotionally ready to have physical contact with a new person. Sexually transmitted disease testing and safer sex practices. Basically all the same things you will want her to do when she starts dating to stay safe, now is the time to talk about how adult women do those things too.

also address that your personal life is just that personal. Family life won’t be changing unless everyone is ready. There may come a day where you like someone enough that you would like your children to meet him, but that you aren’t going to introduce her to every man you date. Even if she does meet someone, that doesn’t mean he is going to be a stepdad. The whole family has to click for that to happen and that is a special kind of magic that is going to be very hard for you to find.

You do hop to find someone to share your life with though, so you are going to date. Even if you don’t, it’s fun in the meantime.

I think you might be right. I was surprised she came out with that but obviously it’s gone deep. So I’ll need to explore that with her. But what the hell would I say? ‘Yes your dad was acting like a deranged mad man but not all men..’

Its really pissed me off thinking about it tbh that’s probably the reason why she thinks it’s unsafe.

What has this got to do with the OP's daughter reading her messages and telling her she can't have a bf? Are you trying to catch her out? You really are weirdly hung up on this point....

With that she's telling you that she's worried you won't love her anymore if you get a boyfriend. She's also worried dad doesn't love her anymore.

But she's a child so she doesn't quite get what it is she's feeling or how to verbalise it.

OP is allowed to go at her own pace - this is miles better than her rushing in when she's not ready. It might not be how you would handle it, which is fine! But it's how OP has, they having started exclusively dating, they've just been friends with a flirtation - I don't think that's particularly unusual?

I would honestly do as the first post on here says. Just change the password on your phone (which you've already done) and keep seeing the guy you're interested in when your dd isn't around

I personally don't like "mummy deserves to be happy" as an explanation as it might make her think you can't be happy without a man which isn't a message I'd want to send my dd.

Ultimately, she shouldn't be telling you who to see though, so definitely discuss that with her in a general way. But I think she was always going to be grossed out at the idea of her mum snogging or having sex. That bit is normal for her age

If the incident(s) with her dad are traumatic experience(s) for her then addressing it with facts/logic might not help.

It about being able to resolve the emotions around it safely.

Another factor is that she might not be as fine with her dad’s new relationship as she appears. It’s just that she can’t say that to him (based on his past behaviour when he was in conflict with another person).

But she feels safe saying that kind of thing to you because you don’t react in that kind of way.

And also that as she feels more safe and secure with you, she’s possibly also worried that if you get a new partner she will lose that too.

As well as that new partner might be unpredictable/violent like her dad.

Or if she does like the new partner, that that relationship might break up too eventually. There’s a lot of things that could be going on with her.

And then also she feels protective of you, which is a way to try to manage those fears as well as keep you safe.

There’s a lot of very complex and scary big emotions for a child to deal with.

If you can afford it, maybe some therapy or counselling for her, ideally with someone who specialises in trauma and/or children.

If you can’t, Bonus Family on Netflix does go into some similar issues. Maybe not directly applicable but might help you connect with some things that are going on for her.

Honestly, take her to family counselling. You won’t resolve this with her just the two of you, well you might but seriously, go to a family counsellor and get help working through this with her.

Aren’t 11yeqr olds horrified at married DPs having sex - she’s used to thinking of you on your own and is probably shocked to find you might have a man in your life. Just go slowly .

I honestly don’t know how many times I can explain it to you and it’s a bit odd you do t let it go 😂😂

We were just friends at the start - I didn’t start speaking to him because I wanted a boyfriend - it’s built up more flirty over the months, then in to something deeper. He always knew I didn’t want a relationship - and I highly doubt he has been sat at home pining for me 😁

Im sure if I said hey come round let’s get in bed he would have done but he was happy to just roll with it.

We both share a business interest so it’s always been easy to keep in contact as we bounce ideas of each other. There has been a lot of stuff in the back ground on both sides which has kept us busy - but also lovely that we’ve had someone to talk to about it with which is probably where the deeper connection started

He lives 20 mins away.

Are you my dd1👀👀

Send her to a few sessions with a counsellor. My Dd got really controlling at 10 around bedtime. Telling me what rooms I could go in downstairs when she was in bed. Banning me from flushing loos etc. The counselling sorted it right out ( it got really bad causing arguments between me and DH).

Thank you for this post. I do actually know the perfect person for it. The therapist I seen and check in with when I’m struggling. She specialises in kids that have had trauma. Dd1 does have anxiety but has been really good for a while but it’s a good idea to get her to check in with her. 💐